Last night

[jax]

I actually posted this on a forum I go to a lot but the Bipolar section of the forum is not used much; so I thought that I would put it here too to see if I get any replies.

My illness really frightens me at times. I cycle very quickly as I have said before in here. At times, many times a day. My swings are usually gradual from one to the other. Last week - I was in a depressive mode for a few days. I came home from volunteer work and sh'd. Just a few hours earlier - I was extremely happy again and most likely high. I thought that it was crazy that just a few hrs earlier I sh'd harmed when I felt great again. Well . . . that was nothing. . . .

My nurse had said I was very high Monday. I did feel high. Last night I had the rabbits in and was enjoying them hopping all over and having fun. (I'd impulsively bought the two baby rabbits last week) I was writing an email to a friend and talking about the rabbits in the email. I was writing away to my friend and then all of a sudden I broke into tears. The tears just came from nowhere. I actually sobbed for about 30 minutes or more. I have not cried like that for a long time. It was crazy. No reason at all for the tears. I felt so depressed. There was no reason for the tears or depression. They just started out of the blue. When I stopped crying and calmed down. I thought to myself - wtf?? I felt like a mad person. I mean , my God - that is not normal. It is the first time that I actually saw a mood swing occur in such a short period of time. Just at the click of the finger. It made me feel frightened and scared of my illness.

My Pdoc and nurse have told me my illness is extreme and that usually Bipolar patients have long periods of stability. I have had only 3-4 weeks of stability in 3 1/2 yrs. Last night, I saw the extreme side of my illness. It is absolutely scared me and made me feel so frightened that my mood can change so abruptly. I have never seen this before in me. When I was last in hospital I had been told that my mood changed like it did last night but for some reason, I can't remember it happening hospital.

It is so scary that with all the medications that I am on - that I still am having the problems I have.

 

[KP1]

Hi Jax maybe its a good sign that you became aware of this extreme mood swing,I don't know I'm only guessing..
I don't know what the answer is I can't bear having a mood disorder myself .
Sending you some flowers.

 

[jax]

Thanks Kp. x I have decided to keep a mood diary and write anything changes that I notice.
Jacqui

 

[Dollit]

Jax rapid changes are the norm with me and always have been. Yes they are frightening but you can become stable in spite of them. I've been relatively stable for just over two years with some blips - bad blips but only blips.

That click of a finger change you describe is how I can go between 6 and 12 times a day when I'm ill and doing a mood chart just isn't feasible.

I found that a combination of medication, meditation and a few other things helps me. My consultant has me take at least a short walk each day, I have to eat daily, remember the medication and the meditation and be safe. Most of all be safe. I've given all my sharp knives to someone before now and taken buses (which I hate) just so I wouldn't have to walk over bridges.

You can learn how to get things under control but it does take time and it does take patience.

 

[Nutter_09]

Hi Jax,

I am new to this forum and have depression and possibly BP. I undertsand totally about the mood changes, especially the bursting into tears for no reason. It terrifies me as to why, one minute i am fine, the next I am in hysterics, screaming and crying.
I tried the mood chart, but it can change so quickly and often i find it hard to keep up. I am now trying not to worry about my mood and just go with it. If i feel like going out, i go out. If i feel like sobbing all day, thats what I do. Maybe not what others think is the best, but I cant see any other way as yet.

I do hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[jax]

Thanks folks for the replies. It is somewhat reassuring this this happens to others. It seems that this has happened three times yesterday and once today. Today I went the other direction from depression to high. It really and truly makes me feel 'Mad'. I haven't really felt mad with my illness - but this sure does make me feel like that.

I would like to get a handle on this illness. It seems apparent that medication is not going to do it alone. If I could just become stable - even for a short period - it would be such a relief.

Thanks again.
Jacqui

 

[jamesdean]

Keep posting jax

 

[jax]

Thankies James Dean x

 

[dizzylizzy59]

i know how u feel

ja i have just had what i calla mad three days, where i became so angry and irritable and lost all control of my mind, weell thats how i felt, but idid go and do somthing stupid, I had been crying for nearly three days constantly, then just out of the blue I lost my temper and flew out of a car(notwhile it was moving) and ran after a woman in hers banging on her window threatening to kill her, just because she hooted her car horn and shouted get out of the way, Iwas not driving we were stationary. But after that I went reclusive for a day or two but still anxious, i was ashamed and embarressed to say the least, what if the woman had not locked her car door, what would i have done. I felt very scared of what i might do. so i have had the crisis teamin and they are going tohelp me. I have had up and down extreme moods most of my life, but the doctors put it down to PMT, Hystiria,, anhi got older menopause and stress, ect, but now they say i have bi polar, i am sohoping that whatever they can do for me, will stop these agressive mood swings. before allthis ihad been badly depressed onand off for over 12 months, which resulted in me giving up my job, Ihave walked out of more jobs than i care to think about over the years, all because i get so bloody paranoid, does anny one else get paranoid at all. any way sorry about the long reply lol, I am feeling talkative today, god help my family. and just thought to say that you are not on your own, I felt like i was and that i was going mad, but obviously I am not, and hopefully medication willhelp. if any one else has had similar aggression like mine Iwould glad to hear aboutit, just to prove that i am not the only one withit

 

[faeriedreams]

Someone else

Aha, I finally found someone else that is like me. Does that mean I'm not actually crazy, but know there is something wrong inside me?
I go Wednesday for my first evaluation ever, because I think it needs to be done, and my 2 best friends said the same thing. I'm scared as hell. I know I have issues, but are they finally going to tell me something new?

Just like you, the mood swings are terrible, then comes the isolation, the small voices in my head, the tears, the temper. I was able to have it under control for awhile, but now it seems as if the moods, are every couple of days, and on a really bad day, several ups or downs. Sleep is how I try and control the moods. It doesn't really help.

I hope you can find some peace within yourself.
God Bless