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Knowing the cause of the Bi-polar? does it help, does it F*** Triggering

K

Katss

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Knowing the cause of the Bi-polar? does it help, does it F*** Triggering

Am gonna have to share in a way not done before, am a bit scared, I don't want to give away anyones identity, and yet I have been a feature on this forum for a long time and it needs must. Warning some of this stuff is very hard core and triggering before you continue?

What was the cause of this Fucking illness? Bastard Bi-Polar I never wanted you, and yet here you are a constant and mostly unwelcome partner in crime.

Years ago was a good worker, quite a happy and go lucky quite content buzzing about life, had lots of potential, and ambitious to boot, I had encountered problems but they had not got the better of me, I was boyant and good at problem solving.

Then some bad stuff happened, OK I got involved with some people that had a lifestlyle not really for me, but I got into it anyway, some of it was illegal and yet it all seemed to be fun and hardcore partying. For some reason the people were funny, intelligent and risk takers, I don't know why but it seemed attractive at the time, they would frequent out of the way haunts and off the beaten track clubs and places.

Cut to the chase it wasn't pretty. I was still able to work and study. But then a really, really terrible thing happened to a good friend of mine, she was repeatedly stabbed in a most viscous and horrible attack by some random stranger. The worse thing that in the midst of his evil horror while she did her double best to fight back he said "Why the hell wont you fucking die?"

Then the aftermath of that having to see this friend become a shadow of herself was heart breaking. And seeing here having to defend herself in the court while they seemed to laugh? It was like she had to say why she had not deserved what happened?

Something horrid happened to me too, then another friend was almost gang raped and she defended herself (rightly so) with a broken bottle, and she managed to save herself from the horror of what they had planned. But guess who was to blame and get the rap in court? That's it her, however what was strange was that she had to agree to attend 'anger management' or go to prison, needless to say she chose the anger management?

But it still beggers belief she was seen as wrong? Oh hello those bastards who got off scott free? From an attempted gang rape were left to roam the streets still probably doing the same stuff, but the woman has to go the 'therapy'? they were going to gang rape are off the hook? Now you cannot make this stuff up, I always had a strong sense of justice, and believed in the law, and the courts and police to protect us? Really. Not so was what we saw.

Now it gets worse another good friend was attacked, and this time there was a whole number of fallouts and the aftermath was absolutely fucking terrible, I cannot and will go into detail one, its too horrible, you would be sick, and second need to protect my friends identity.

Now here there we are some very, very angry and angry and shocked women on the streets now? Like we were pissed off, then angry then angry beyond angry, add now a severe killer instinct has really kicked in, none of us are dumb, we are smart cookies, successful and driven, yet we have been the victims of seemingly random attacks and all on women, and yet all times justice was not just seen to be done it was NOT!!!
Cut to the chase, we went on a rampage quite literally, our only seeming recourse was to party like the very devil it self, we lost our selves on the rave scene, 7 dayers were the norm, and anyone who could not keep up was kicked to the kerb. We were called the 'It girl pretty hard core gang'. See even when trying to lose our selfs we were labelled? We were a scene on the London party scene for longer than it was good to be on the party circuit, but we kind of ran certain bits. Our jobs were on the line and studying had come to a standstill.

I became cold, callous and went out of my way to be aloof and unkind, it was like a back lash to what had happened to me and some good friends, we were out for revenge and did not care who got caught in the affray.

But the sad thing was we were wearing a mask and the masks began to take over, and the bad sides were spilling out and into our selves again, meaning we were just experiencing the hurt and attacks all over again, but there was no protection for us when the horrible attacks happened or after, no place to go, no one to listen or understand what was going on, we were a fixture at the places no one wanted to go.

Then to top it all a very good friend tragically took her own life in a most shocking and extreme way. in a sense that was it, we all lost the plot seriously, we all drifted apart, that was the 4th woman who had lost her way and got out the only way she know how, it was too much one by one we all got diagnosed and would bump into each other in MH institutions drugged up on pharmaceutical medication and numbed out of a life we no longer wanted to be a part of.

So if to go back it is very easy to see how and why bi-polar got slapped on me, literally, It felt like I had been slapped and then slapped again. But it you trace back to the beginning if justice had been done, had there been some help/support, even some acknowledgement of the horrid stuff me and my pals had endured, could the other stuff aka Bi-polar for me, depression, and other assorted and stupid diagnoses for my surviving pals, could all of the horrible and nasty fall out have been avoided?

It is not a wonder that I am diagnosed Bi-polar, but I wish the outcome could have been different. Thanks for listening, and if any of you brave courageous, beautiful, strong goddesses, (aka pals) recognise yourselves, am sorry but it is time this stuff came out, we have all been carrying the baggage if a crap justice system broken society for too long.....

katss
 
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tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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The justice system has failed me at every turn when I have needed it over the last 20 years. I began to believe that it was up to me to take care of these dirty deeds but I was still not able to unring the bells of injustice and lack of protection.

It screwed up my children and eventually cost my son his life.

I, too, used to be fun, confident, ambitious and adventuresome.

I believe that all these YEARS of hardships and stresses along with lack of support and justice finally caused me to snap and the genetic latent bipolar manifested itself and has robbed me of myself. I am a shell of whom I used to be. If that.

Makes me crazy angry if I allow myself to think of it.

I can never right the wrongs and all it's fallout. And there is no miraculous recovery for me.

I am simply hoping that in time I will be able to navigate life more successfully. I have a very long ways to go.

((((hugs to you))))

I can relate enough to enough of your story to understand, I think.

Can we, how can we reclaim enough of ourselves? Is it even possible?

Even as I cling to some hope, I have to be honest and say I have watched too much of life pass me by as I struggle to not be swallowed whole by this illness.

((((hugs))))
 

cpuusage

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In no way negating any of your experiences Katss - it's life. i was in a lot of madness in the past as well. i think it's numerous factors that combine. Just what do the stupid labels explain? & what real help/support/understanding really is there within the system?

i think the 'trick' is to genuinely let go of all the anger & resentment & come to a place of genuine acceptance & forgiveness - for ourselves. Not saying that is always easy to achieve.
 
Davey Blueeyes

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Oh crikey :cry:

That's terrible Katss, I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say but I hope you come to a good place soon where you can start to let go.

Have some hugs (((katss))) x
 
R

Rose19602

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That's pretty rough Katss....so sorry that you went through all of that and ended up needing psychological / psychiatric help....not surprising though! Think most of us would end up in the same place with that history.

Recurring bad and traumatic events are hardest to deal with. A run of bad luck / mistreatment / tragedies can leave you feeling like a victim or angry or just plain "f****ed up.

CPU's attitude is probably best if you can arrive at that place. Most of us have to run the gauntlet of our emotions following life events such as these and have to make sense of how we reacted latterly once the emotions have done their damage to our relationships, health and lives.

I suppose therapy has a place in all that if you can get it? A bipolar diagnosis doesn't sound helpful in that regard.

I wish you all the best with trying to come to terms with it. Not easy.
x
 
K

Katss

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Its not a thing to forgive and come to terms with a friend who was left for dead by a fucking frenzied mental and nasty bit of a fucking would be murderer? and then had to explain herself in a court of law? The prat that stabbed her in a frenzy still unrepentant? That is not life, or letting go of anger? it is shit, and crap shit at that?

Life is going to work, shopping, reading, eating and catching up with friends, looking after health? Not having to see all of that horror play out for months and months, or another get another attack and again no justice? That is life in the extreme and no way am going to either forgive or forget, the nightmares sadly don't let me....... so freaking easy not.

katss
 
Jaminacaranda

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Is there any way Katss that you could channel your understandable anger in the way of victim advocacy or support? I was just wondering if that was a positive way forward.
 
tiltawhirl

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I agree Kats. Forgiving myself just does not feel applicable. It strikes me as twisted to say victims are in need of forgiveness.

Nor do I believe that these on going horrendous things are a regular part of life. I also agree with what you have said whole heartedly.

I have had plenty of time to ponder upon the things, evil things, that have happened and to ponder forgiveness. I have concluded that several do not deserve any forgiveness. esp when I have seen no remorse nor amends.
Evil exists and I do not need to give it a free pass.
In many ways that would feel like betraying the innocent victims.
 

cpuusage

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Its not a thing to forgive and come to terms with a friend who was left for dead by a fucking frenzied mental and nasty bit of a fucking would be murderer? and then had to explain herself in a court of law? The prat that stabbed her in a frenzy still unrepentant? That is not life, or letting go of anger? it is shit, and crap shit at that?

Life is going to work, shopping, reading, eating and catching up with friends, looking after health? Not having to see all of that horror play out for months and months, or another get another attack and again no justice? That is life in the extreme and no way am going to either forgive or forget, the nightmares sadly don't let me....... so freaking easy not.

katss
Didn't say it was easy, & everything is life.

i didn't say forget. & i said it's for ourselves. i've never shared most of what i went through & have seen. There's a lot of injustice, pain & suffering in the World. What's better, to genuinely let go & at least try & make progress, or spend a life in anger, resentment, fear & illness? People have let go of & come to a place of genuine acceptance & forgiveness of far more.

i met a woman recently, severely disfigured in the past by her boyfriend, she'd been a model, had let go & forgiven & was devoted to a life of helping others & healing. There are people from the Nazi camps who forgave.

Free will/free choice...
 

cpuusage

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What to expect in the rougher corners of the drug scene?

& no i'm not perfect & haven't fully resolved things, & this isn't about me. Will bow out from the thread.
 
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K

Katss

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Is there any way Katss that you could channel your understandable anger in the way of victim advocacy or support? I was just wondering if that was a positive way forward.
If it was available or there, for people to engage in that would be a way forward would be a good thing, its not? not now then what? that is what am saying, there is not a place for this stuff? It does not exist apart from in fantasy dreams?xxxx

katss
 
K

Katss

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Free will/free choice...
Maybe an illusion of choice, if you have seriously been and have endured severe and bad bad stuff, it is no longer a matter of choice but a remedied and thought out study of affect and deliverance, some may be able to gloss over the actual abuse, some may actually live it out and find it extremely difficult to let go and forgive a massive and horrendeous abuse of a personal space individual, and that has to be taken into a consciousness, and takes years and years to attain a space to actually live and deal and leave behind the severe nature of the attack that took place, it is in no way easy, or formulaic, everyone is different in their response.

And if society does not help/support/rehabilitate the "victim£" then where are we? It is easy to say A did it and this Abuse happened to them, victim B, cannot deal with it, the attack or the aftermath?

katss
 
K

Katss

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WROTE a study story of truth and reality no one likes it, its like politics, its bad, and horrid, there is no remedy, not a story have not heard, read it and see what is there, stop this forgive and blah, blah, there is no forgive, if you read it? still remove and put it to journals mods ta....... top tip, there is not a remedy or a fix for this, and did not ask for one..... anger anger, management for somesuch blah.....:innocent::drool::evil::mrgreen:

katss
 
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K

Katss

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Rass help me out here...?

katss
 

cpuusage

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Maybe an illusion of choice, if you have seriously been and have endured severe and bad bad stuff, it is no longer a matter of choice but a remedied and thought out study of affect and deliverance, some may be able to gloss over the actual abuse, some may actually live it out and find it extremely difficult to let go and forgive a massive and horrendeous abuse of a personal space individual, and that has to be taken into a consciousness, and takes years and years to attain a space to actually live and deal and leave behind the severe nature of the attack that took place, it is in no way easy, or formulaic, everyone is different in their response.
Not easy, not formulaic, & everyone is an individual. People get sick & die, people get old & die, people have bad lives. Different people suffer in all kinds of different ways. i'm not negating anything. Are there people who genuinely & deeply heal, genuinely let go of the past & transform their lives, sometimes from horrendous stuff? Yes there is, i've met such people, & have read many accounts of it all. Is it guaranteed? Is everyone the same? Of course not. Maybe it is just the small minority of cases? i don't know? i do however know it's possible.

Can take decades to come to some kind of terms with some things. Can take a lifetime of work to try & deal with some things. Some things i don't think are ever fully resolved in this life.

And if society does not help/support/rehabilitate the "victim£" then where are we? It is easy to say A did it and this Abuse happened to them, victim B, cannot deal with it, the attack or the aftermath?
Most people just want to slap everything with made up labels & pump themselves & everyone else full of drugs. The 'West' is insane & addicted.

This has really been my whole 'argument' for the past 10 years of posting stuff on-line & the years on this forum, & look at the attitudes to it all! We're living in a very sick society. Whose fault/responsibility is that? Everyone is in some way accountable. & everything doesn't have to be the way it is.

Look at how the majority defend the system - & berate the alternatives? Is it any wonder everything is the way it is? We can have a genuinely humane, just & civilised World, or all carry as we are. People cry out for vengeance, punishment & blood, their hearts full of anger, fear, hate, blame & judgement, the ego & materialism worshipped, but what gets left? We just edge closer & closer to totalitarianism & a sicker & sicker society, on a dying planet.

i'm not you, i'm not other people. i'm very far from perfect, but i see an insane & barbaric World, & the only responsibility for it all being like that is humanity. It's collective choice.
 
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