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Kinda not seeing a point in life anymore

C

Cillian

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Germany
I don't know if this is what the beginning of depression feels like but I'm just done with everything. Like apparently I'm just not made for society. People constantly misunderstand me,no one likes me, no one cares about me and I don't blame them bc like you can't blame people for not liking you. That's your own fault and nothing to blame on others. Doesn't change the way I feel about it cause everything seems pointless when every day you realise that everyone thinks that you're the lowest scum on earth. I cant handle it anymore. I'm tired. I keep thinking some pretty dark things and Idk it's just not right. Whining has never helped anyone but loneliness fucks you up that's why I'm here
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,736
Location
England
Hello Cillian. Welcome to the forum. You do sound very depressed to me. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am glad you have joined as you will find support here.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,338
Location
Glasgow
I don't know if this is what the beginning of depression feels like but I'm just done with everything. Like apparently I'm just not made for society. People constantly misunderstand me,no one likes me, no one cares about me and I don't blame them bc like you can't blame people for not liking you. That's your own fault and nothing to blame on others. Doesn't change the way I feel about it cause everything seems pointless when every day you realise that everyone thinks that you're the lowest scum on earth. I cant handle it anymore. I'm tired. I keep thinking some pretty dark things and Idk it's just not right. Whining has never helped anyone but loneliness fucks you up that's why I'm here
Make some friends here. It will help no end believe me. Your not alone in the way you are feeling
 
D

Daringdan

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
114
Location
Louisville, Ky
Cillian,
I think you will find that some people around here will like you and want to talk with you. Your message demonstrates that you are a thoughtful person.
 
C

Cillian

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Germany
There's literally not a single person on this planet who thinks positively about me

Here I made a list of words I've been called lately

Lazy
Arrogant
Childish
Immature
Insensitive
Naive
Disrespectful
Selfish
Stupid
Standoffish

I try so fucking hard not to bother anyone wish I could just be invisible. Or mute so I could stop myself from saying shit.
Tbh I just wanna disappear
 
D

Daringdan

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
114
Location
Louisville, Ky
Cillian,
Even though I don't know you I feel like your soul is worth so much more than those labels suggest. Sounds like you might want to consider getting into a better environment with people who support you.
 
C

Cillian

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Germany
My biggest issue is just that in 95% of the cases I don't feel like I did anything wrong. In cases where I realise, ok, I made a mistake, that's alright because I can own up to it, explain my actions, apologise for them and find ways to do better in the future. I can deal with that. But what if you're constantly being told that what you do is wrong, that your feelings are ridiculous and that your way of thinking is deeply flawed. But at the same time you don't see why that is because you don't feel like you're doing anything obviously wrong. How do you handle that

Like, kinda stupid example but like our dishwasher was broken and my dad called a plumber to fix it. Asked me to be home and let him in cause he was at work. Plumber came, looked at the dishwasher, told me what was wrong with it, left. My dad called, asked me what the plumber had said and about the repair and costs etc. And I was like "he didn't say anything about that". My father completely lost his shit and yelled at me for not having asked and told me he was tired of my "games" and hung up on me. And I'm like. What the hell. How was I supposed to know. Call me stupid if you like but I never had to deal with plumbers and repairs and stuff before and my father only told me to let him in so he could check what was wrong. I assumed the plumber would then send him a notice and a bill or would call him or whatever. How was I supposed to know that he expected me to take care of that.
And even if you could say ok apparently I'm not the smartest person to figure that out idk if it was my son I would probably just think "ok apparently my kid is missing some basic life skills, I should help him learn that kind of stuff". I wouldn't yell at my kid and accuse him of "playing games".

Idk maybe I'm just too fucking dumb for this world. People always think I'm missing them off on purpose or misinterpret everything I say and assume intentions behind my actions that I never had.
Like I'm a vegetarian and if I ask someone if there's chicken or vegetable broth used in the soup instead of simply giving me that information so I know whether to eat the soup or just get a yogurt or whatever they get angry and accuse me of expecting them to cater to my preferences and how I can't expect people to do something extra for me and they have better things to do than to cook extra meals for me. Stuff like that. Doesn't matter that I never said or thought anything like that. People just assume it and build their opinion based on that.

That's all not dramatic but if it's all you get and no nice words ever you just get tired. I swear if I had money I would leave the country, change my name and just never talk to anyone ever again.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,338
Location
Glasgow
There's literally not a single person on this planet who thinks positively about me

Here I made a list of words I've been called lately

Lazy
Arrogant
Childish
Immature
Insensitive
Naive
Disrespectful
Selfish
Stupid
Standoffish

I try so fucking hard not to bother anyone wish I could just be invisible. Or mute so I could stop myself from saying shit.
Tbh I just wanna disappear
I feel positive about you! Lets have a wee chat. Just by your name i know your a good wee fella 😝
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,338
Location
Glasgow
My biggest issue is just that in 95% of the cases I don't feel like I did anything wrong. In cases where I realise, ok, I made a mistake, that's alright because I can own up to it, explain my actions, apologise for them and find ways to do better in the future. I can deal with that. But what if you're constantly being told that what you do is wrong, that your feelings are ridiculous and that your way of thinking is deeply flawed. But at the same time you don't see why that is because you don't feel like you're doing anything obviously wrong. How do you handle that

Like, kinda stupid example but like our dishwasher was broken and my dad called a plumber to fix it. Asked me to be home and let him in cause he was at work. Plumber came, looked at the dishwasher, told me what was wrong with it, left. My dad called, asked me what the plumber had said and about the repair and costs etc. And I was like "he didn't say anything about that". My father completely lost his shit and yelled at me for not having asked and told me he was tired of my "games" and hung up on me. And I'm like. What the hell. How was I supposed to know. Call me stupid if you like but I never had to deal with plumbers and repairs and stuff before and my father only told me to let him in so he could check what was wrong. I assumed the plumber would then send him a notice and a bill or would call him or whatever. How was I supposed to know that he expected me to take care of that.
And even if you could say ok apparently I'm not the smartest person to figure that out idk if it was my son I would probably just think "ok apparently my kid is missing some basic life skills, I should help him learn that kind of stuff". I wouldn't yell at my kid and accuse him of "playing games".

Idk maybe I'm just too fucking dumb for this world. People always think I'm missing them off on purpose or misinterpret everything I say and assume intentions behind my actions that I never had.
Like I'm a vegetarian and if I ask someone if there's chicken or vegetable broth used in the soup instead of simply giving me that information so I know whether to eat the soup or just get a yogurt or whatever they get angry and accuse me of expecting them to cater to my preferences and how I can't expect people to do something extra for me and they have better things to do than to cook extra meals for me. Stuff like that. Doesn't matter that I never said or thought anything like that. People just assume it and build their opinion based on that.

That's all not dramatic but if it's all you get and no nice words ever you just get tired. I swear if I had money I would leave the country, change my name and just never talk to anyone ever again.
Ffs you honesly sound like my wee brother. My bro aldo took alot of shit just like you till eventually he listen to me and spoke up. Tell people to shove it when need be. Be respectful but tell people to feck off when your right boyo.
 
OddballOut

OddballOut

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
57
Location
Canada
The things you described above- the soup question, yer dad going off on you.
Those aren't yer problems, those are the other peoples.

To me you seem:
hurt and
confused but also
intelligent and caring.

Have you ever heard of gaslighting? It's where people basically set you up (intentionally or unintentionally) to fail and then blame you for failing. Basically what your dad did to you with the plumber.

I think your thoughts on if you had a kid how you would approach it is exactly right. Realize you need to teach skills- they don't magically appear.
As a parent we can sometimes forget this but it's not excuse to be an asshole. And that to me is what your dad sounded like- an asshole.
Again, that's not on you. That's on him.


but if it's all you get and no nice words ever you just get tired.
yes, yes you do. And not only that, you lose self-esteem and the confidence in yourself to handle other new situations. You end up blaming yourself for misunderstandings and other peoples anger etc.

Learning how to set boundaries would be a good start I think. And finding a course on or reading/researching how to build self esteem on your own or with the help of a therapist would probably do you a world of good too.

Sorry your dads such a dick btw. And again- you sound like a very competent and intelligent person to be able to recognize how poorly you've been treated and be able to figure out a better way to handle the same situations.
 
C

Cillian

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Germany
You know what kinda sucks
Everyone here is nice to me and it feels good to hear "it's not you, you're doing nothing wrong" because like isn't that what everyone wants to hear

But then I think well but everyone else thinks differently and think I'm a shitty person so they can't ALL be wrong. It's kind of an endless circle of feeling relief for being understood and then desperation because it seems too good to be true and there must be some truth in people's perception of me if they all think badly of me.

My life isn't so bad and yet every day feels like hell because it's a constant repetition of bad feelings and loneliness and insults and criticism. Can't remember the last time I laughed. On good days I just try to tune things out and go to bed early, on bad days I walk around at night, drinking and imagining doing harm to myself. It's not serious because obviously I wouldn't do it but truth is I'm imagining those things quite a lot.
 
OddballOut

OddballOut

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2020
Messages
57
Location
Canada
I think well but everyone else thinks differently and think I'm a shitty person so they can't ALL be wrong.
I hear ya
it is confusing and seems a bit weird for sure
consider the sources maybe?

on one hand- asshole father and random strangers that clearly have customer service burn-out

vs

people who have gone through the same thing, have an understanding of mental health from their own experiences and thus have some learned compassion

also- i believe everyone that isn't a narcissist or a sociopath etc knows when they've done wrong.
I go with- if I'm questioning whether its something I did or the other persons problem and i get angry at myself- it's probably them.
if guilt out weighs the anger and I'm questioning- it's probably me.

if its a random person and i haven't done anything except ask what the ingredients of a soup are- its definitely them

if its my parent, who I've also witnessed treat others like dirt (they may also have a favourite they dont do this to) and their nice persona is un genuine and they have a history of constantly being negative towards me- its definitely them.

also, if im a dick, which we all can be at times, and someone has taken offense to it- well, nothing i can change but i can make a stronger effort going forward and learn from my mistakes- which we all usually make.

one last scenario- if it's a person i've known very well and is usually nice and suddenly they've become mean i'll give them some space and the benefit of the doubt and then ask if they're okay.

also, not saying i dont buy into the garbage other people have told me about myself, especially my parents, really just my mother. But i have learned to recognize when she's being mean is more about her feeling "less than" than it is about me being lazy, stupid, useless, worthless, crazy etc.

cant change her, can only change the way i receive her crap.
 
D

Daringdan

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
114
Location
Louisville, Ky
Cillian,
I've got to deal with hell every day too. Mine is mostly internal I get paranoia and intrusive thoughts. I too contemplate dark things like preferring death over life but I try to remember that I can live to continue the struggle for God, my family and others. I read this study once that people usually underestimate how much they will change in 10 years. People feel they will stay the same when in fact they change a fair amount. My point is that these troubles can pass and one day you will find that you are living in a different paradigm than what you were used too.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
3,024
Location
Pyongyang, DPRK
Hey Cillian :) sorry to hear what you've been through. Truth is, people are always going to say these kinds of things to you even if you got everything right. But if you think you've done nothing wrong, then these accusations aren't fair or right - yet it sounds like you're starting to believe that they're right, even though you say you haven't done anything wrong. I know it's not nice, but some people will just say these things, and it takes a bit of time to learn not to take them to heart (though if you have done something wrong then it's fair). I think you've come to the right place - airing these out and chatting to the people here should help you through this x
 
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