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Keep baby and try it or cancel...

W

wnttt

New member
Joined
Jun 30, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Europe
I am in huge dilemma. I do not know what is the right choice. I will describe my problem in a list fashion as I believe it's more digestible than a wall of text.

My thoughts and events (more or less in chronological order) and descriptions:
- I'm European (33), nonbeliever, progressive, not traditional, I work remotely.
- Having children and starting a family has never been my dream. I don't like traditional marriage, I consider it only as a security/benefits. However I could have always imagined that if I meet the right person I could go for it.
- I have chronic depression, anxiety disorder, insomnia. When I was younger many times I though that life is a jail and I regret that my parents brought me to the world.
- I have problem with appreciating and getting satisfaction with things I have or get easily, the most satisfaction give me things I strive to get or things that are out of my range.
- In April this year I have met one Asian girl which I felt for, but she did not feel the same, she broke up with me.
- During our relationship I developed performance anxiety while having sex which symptoms still happen to me from time to time.
- I felt terribly bad after the breakup, had suffering heavily.
- Shorty after the failed relationship I started dating Asian muslim girl, we have been together for 5 months now.
- The new gf has been like an angel when comparing to the previous one, however my love to her has not been as strong as for the previous girl.
- She is a bit far from "my type" when it comes to both beauty and personality. Actually I think I'm little bit picky. I really wouldn't like to be.
- She has emotional problems as well, anxiety disorder, overthinking, vulnerable psyche, for me she seems not too intelligent and too close minded.
- She is educated, has loving parents, has money and a good job, for me she seems to be a a quite good candidate for a wife.
- She sort of took care of me after my emotional fallout, accepted my flaws, made me forget about the previous girl and gave me more confidence.
- Although she's not a radical and not a strict muslim her father is.. And she did not want me to meet her parents before marriage (sic!), the more didn't want to tell them that we're staying together in the same apartment.
- Relationship with her made me thinking that if I have so much problem with making myself happy I should switch focus to making somebody else happy (in this case her and potential children).
- Sex between us is quite good, she most often initiate it, she likes trying new things, however she's never had an orgasm neither with me nor with her previous partners.
- However I unfortunately have some sexual fantasy, which is very "sophisticated" and for 95% she would never agree to try it. I sort of dream to meet girls in the future that can experience that with me.
- We have had unprotected sex, fully confidential, not mistaken, we accepted that we may have a baby.
- She got pregnant, now 6-7 week, in the beginning I felt like I am 60% ready for it.
- Now after 2 weeks of understanding what happened I am in extreme doubt.
- The more I thought about it the more I felt I'm not ready.
- I started thinking about abortion (legal in here). She however cannot accept this option at least for now.
- I started thinking that my love to her is not as strong as it should be for planning a family and baby. I really do not know if I love her. I usually know that I love somebody only when something gets wrong, I am afraid to lose her or she gets out of my range. I have never been in a happy relationship before where I really felt love.
- I started thinking that I still want to find a better partner, more matching to my personality.
- I started thinking that starting a family with her is a huge risk for my mental health, my depression may worsen, I may be unhappy.
- I started thinking that our child may be at huge risk of having a sad life and a broken family.
- I started thinking that I should not have children, provided that I have mental problems and my gf has mental problems why would we bring to the world a human which may inherit (either genetically or just by seeing weak parents) these problems.
- I started thinking that if we decide to start a family I can still cheat on her and look for excitement somewhere else If I feel not satisfied about my life (This is terribly wrong of course I do not approve in loving relationship, I hate lies, I could only optionally approve open relationship).
- I am also sometimes thinking that maybe all my negative thoughts are just temporary and I will be super happy once our baby is born and I'll be a good father.
- I have heard opinion that when man wants to have a family and baby, he's certainly sure and happy about thinking about it, I would really like to feel this way.
- I told her about some of my thoughts, because I believe it's very important to talk and not to hide internal feelings, it made her extremely sad, we cried, she couldn't sleep, she motivated me a bit, but my negative thoughts are coming back...

I'm terribly confused about my feelings. I'm ashamed that I've been so reckless at my age. What do you think about this? I really don't want to ruin my and somebody's and my life. Should I accept it and try to live with it or should we stop it because it's too risky?
 
B

BreathingDeeplyNow

Member
Joined
Nov 24, 2021
Messages
12
Location
USA
First, it is clear that your mind is producing a lot of unnecessary thoughts. With this state of mind, any decision you make will most likely lead to a lot of suffering for you and others. First responsibility you have is to take care of your own level of consciousness. Getting lost in the mind is a very common affliction that most of us are suffering from.

Before you take any decision that you might regret later, learn to calm and steady yourself. I would highly recommend the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh. You can try his simple meditation practices, for example search YouTube for "Calm - Ease | Guided Meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh" and do it for 20 minutes to gain some stability and calm. When you hear the bell, take your attention to your breath and just breathe in and out... The right answer will definitely come from a deeper place of understanding and insight, than a confused mind.

Best wishes!
 

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