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Just wondering

S

Saturngirl

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Joined
Jun 13, 2015
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2
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Penang,Malaysia; Tokyo,Japan
I am just wondering, do anyone else do the things I do?
When friends tell me of their unhappy life or their mental health problems, I often would go home and self harm as a ritual or a prayer to lift the unhappiness from them. I am not a religious person, in fact I call myself an atheist, but when it comes to friends that I care about, I would do this.

Other times I would purposely watch triggering videos and leech on others' negativity to use later for self harming.

I would say that I haven't been doing it for some time now, but I still do feel the urges when someone else is hurting. I don't really understand why I feel and do this way. I know quite well that hurting me won't make them hurt less. but I still do it anyway.

Ok I lied. I said I haven't been doing it for sometime but it was a lie. I just switched to a less harmful method. Until yesterday it has been a long time but yesterday was the day I used the new method. Honestly I don't know what to feel about that. Most of the things I said I do in this post, I don't actively do them anymore, with the exception of yesterday. It was a mistake.

So to repeat my question:
Does anyone else self harm as a form of prayer like I do?
Do you think it was just an excuse to self harm instead of a genuine wish for the better of someone else? (because I am skeptical of it too myself)
While most people avoid triggering materials, why do you think I hunt for triggering things? (I really don't know why, sometimes I think I self harm for the sake of self harming, not because life sucks or any other reasons.)

some times I think I just really need the people around me to be in a better state than I am so that I can rely on them. So when anyone of my friend has problems, I would feel like a table with a broken leg, very insecure and shaky. Maybe that is why.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Jun 20, 2015
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I think that you feel very vulnerable Saturngirl and the self harming is the only thing makes you feel reassured and in control so when you are feeling vulnerable and can't handle it you trigger yourself so you then give yourself permission to self harm.

I think when friends are hurting makes you feel vulnerable cos usually when they are strong you feel safe but when they hurt you see they are capable of feeling insecure too and that frightens you so you turn to the reassurance of self harm again and you justify this by calling it a form of prayer.

Well done if you have managed to resist for a long time.Why do you think you are getting the urges more recently,have their been changes in your life putting you under stress and causing increases feelings of insecurity?

You already know that other people having problems who are close to you is a major factor.

Perhaps you need to see that people hurting is normal a part of being able to feel not a sign of weakness or that your friends won't be able to support like they normally do.

You also need to develop your own inner strength and self trust so not seeing your friends a sole support but knowing you are a strong woman in your own right.

Good luck I hope you conquer the feelings of needing to harm again like you did before,no reason why you won't.:hug:Nikitax
 
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