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Just wondering if anyone can relate.

L

Le Sigh

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Las Vegas NV
Took some time to free write what I feel when I am alone and feeling a little down. Please just see any strong assertions as me just trying to rattle anything out of my brain I felt was stuck.

I don’t know why I seem to be addicted to sadness. I spent so much time alone, it was my safe place away from all the chaos. Deep down I don’t trust people, they will use me, hurt me, lie to me, or worse: expect something from me and it won’t be good enough, or it will disappoint them…. Or worse, they will become ecstatic and love me or what I give them, and I know it’s not me, or it’s overvalued. I don’t like to let people in, and I love to keep to myself. I like being alone, and I hate being alone. I crave solitude like it’s an addiction. Being in a house by myself is the most “me” I ever feel, but I don’t like me very much. I spent my whole life with people not understanding me and I love being able to hide behind any mask I want, but I also crave deeply for someone to know me. I think happiness annoys me, and comfort makes me sick. The happier people are around me, the more depressed I feel. I think I want to minimize happiness… I don’t want help because people are stupid. They don’t understand and they always think they do. They think they can figure me out when I am simply a mask. There is nothing behind the face, nothing but chaos, pride, pain, and loss. They always say the same thing or give the same derisive look. They think they can tell me what I need to do or how I need to think, but I have been telling myself all their “sage” advice since I was a little boy. A game I love to play is to tell someone the most truthful, uncomfortable thing about me, just to watch them squirm, laugh, think I’m joking and play it off as nothing while I slip back behind a mask once again, forever alone, forever unchanged.
The only cure I have found is to get lost, stay away from “me” for as long as possible, but then I will crave the solitude, I will crave the depression, I will crave the loneliness and find myself once again face to face with what I am: an indescribable problem with no solution. I don’t want to be fixed, I don’t want a solution, I just want someone to do what even I cannot do… I want someone to understand. Simply understand I am broken, simply understand parts of me are unhinged, chaotic, in disarray and out of control. But I know you don’t understand. You can’t. You haven’t walked in my shoes, you cannot comprehend being a little boy who is at once hated and rejected by his mother, and also lauded on as lovely and perfect. To have a life of excess filled with toys, and friends, and hobbies and laughter while mixed with continual chaos, stress, loss, pain, abandonment and violence. To be the teacher's pet and a lost boy at the same time. For now I will let it all go. Let go of the pain, let go of the loss, let go of the madness, the anger, the emptiness and embrace the work before me, to put on the mask of service, the mask of fatherhood, the mask of husband and dance in the light while missing the dark, missing it because it’s there I will always be, where I was all along… Silently Screaming in the void….
 
LizBo

LizBo

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 1, 2019
Messages
381
Location
Down-under
So, this is your normal...

Every addiction has a payoff, a value; what's yours?

Liz :welcome:
 
H

Hopeless wanderer 86

Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Williams landing, Victoria
Your are not alone, this touched me incredibly. So I was brought up in a good family home, no violence.. but I was sexually abused by my brother at 12yrsold multiple times. told my Mum and she said she couldn't believe it.. no more spoken of. I lived in the same house and my attacker pretending I was happy, (behind the mask) I was constantly petrified, uncomfortable and nervous for a further 10 years.. no I am a person, I feel everything. But comprehend change and a better life.. impossible. Why?. So I can trust and be hurt again.... I thankfully found someone who understands I am fucked, twisted.. but also does not know about my brother.. how could I tell him.. I live with my secret. To make life easier for everyone, whether it causes me pain and hurt. I choose the later
 
D

Djentleman

Member
Joined
Oct 24, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Yorkshire
Moving stuff.

Replying to hw86 first, I dont feel people should have to live with secrets. The right people will handle the truth and be there by your side come what may. I can appreciate why youd do it but you must look after yourself as well, and if the pain is too much, dont be the one to endlessly suffer


OP:
I too have a sort of love hate relationship with both myself and my mental health. Sometimes I allow the madness back in, quite deliberately. It's almost like a brain defect, really.

I guess I do it to fill the void. Keep me distracted and I wont force misery back on myself. I cant speak for you but I wonder if, the reason is perhaps because it makes you *feel* whether that feeling be good or bad. Perhaps it illicits emotions you otherwise wouldn't experience, and as lizbo says, it's a sort of addiction

All the best

Djent.
 
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