• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Just wanting to vent if that's okay

L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
You can vent as well if you'd like to.

I'm just a bit annoyed and upset because I finally confided in my husband yesterday that I am feeling depressed again due to how shit the world is and how terrible some people are, the horrible things they do and how evil it is. So tonight I am trying to do work and usually he plays something or watches something, which is fine I am not bothered by it. But he puts on a movie that's really doom and gloom about sexual assault and I asked him if I could play something to try and get him to turn it off because he doesn't like me telling him what to do. But he asked something, can't remember what and I was honest and just said that I am not in the mood for a movie like this tonight. So he switches it off and I say he can keep watching but I just want to play something a bit later instead of watching the whole thing and he just said it's off now and is now watching videos on his pc with earphones completely ignoring me, still laughing at his videos and stuff but if he wasn't mad at me he would just be watching them normally not leaving the entire house silent.

I am at a loss, I toughened myself up to watch gorey movies because he likes those and I can watch them now but sexual assault is gross to me and I have just told him I am depressed because of, in part, how bad some people are, I guess I am a bit mad at him because it seems in bad taste to do that when I specifically mentioned this as something that's depressing me and I am trying to focus on my work.

I feel bad because I don't mean to make him stop really, I dunno I just don't really directly ask in these situations because either I have to listen to a sexual assault movie for 2 hours and not get any work done, or be honest and he gets mad at me and I feel upset so I don't get any work done.

I don't mean to be sensitive and I try to toughen myself up but I think he resents this part of me.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
He is definitely ignoring me. won't even look at me. God I didn't think it was that bad to not be in the mood for a sad movie
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
I knew it would have been better to just lie and say I wanted to play then not tell the truth but sometimes when things are good, you think it won't matter anymore and it'll be okay.

Sorry, I shouldn't keep posting but it really bothers me and I still don't have anyone else to tell. He'll tell me I am perfect and he's so happy with me and then the little things like this I just have to deal with or this is what happens.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
I'm here for you. Explain to me more what ur talking about. I offer guidelines to become ineffective against this turmoil u seem to be stuck in but it's by your choice we will go deeper into that when ur ready
I am happy to tell more but I don't know what else to say. I guess I just feel stuck and uncared for when I truly need it but I am too scared to really say that because I love him and I don't think he intends to make me feel this way on purpose
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
348
Location
UK
You shouldn’t need to toughen yourself up and it sounds like he has been an insensitive idiot, by doing it, especially after what you said, and then ignoring you. I would try and nip it in the bud, because it could go on for a while, which will not help when you are feeling depressed and insecure. Could you jump on him for a cuddle, suggest going for a walk, have something special for dinner? I’m not advising you ignore the negatives, just that putting them to one side for now could ensure you don’t end up feeling much worse and might avoid a proper argument. It sounds like you do need to have a proper conversation, but when things are strained and bristly is not a good time for that. X
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
You shouldn’t need to toughen yourself up and it sounds like he has been an insensitive idiot, by doing it, especially after what you said, and then ignoring you. I would try and nip it in the bud, because it could go on for a while, which will not help when you are feeling depressed and insecure. Could you jump on him for a cuddle, suggest going for a walk, have something special for dinner? I’m not advising you ignore the negatives, just that putting them to one side for now could ensure you don’t end up feeling much worse and might avoid a proper argument. It sounds like you do need to have a proper conversation, but when things are strained and bristly is not a good time for that. X
Well when I said goodnight last night he wasn't going to give me a kiss or anything but I did anyway. Went to bed and started crying straight away. This morning, usually every morning he wakes me up with a kiss and he just told me coffee's nearly ready then walks out, and then usually if I am not up still when it's ready he will yell coffee's ready, he didn't I just walked out and it was sitting there. I accidentally started crying again at the table but I was able to stop at least. It hurts a lot and I have an assignment due tomorrow and I just don't think I'll be able to get it done. I would ask for an extension but what do I say - my boyfriend is withholding affection and it's making me feel very low? That's not really something they would even think of granting one for
 
C

CabbageMama

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
348
Location
UK
Lemon, I may not be the best person to give advice on this now. I have bad experiences with affection being withheld from me, so am pretty low tolerance. In terms of an extension, they don’t need to know the details. You could just cite time management or stress.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
May I inquire

I wish to inquire about why you feel the need to change your values that are a aspect of your true nature just for the affection of someone who either doesn't actually care about u. Or is. To indulged with his own wellbeing that he intends to avoid giving u any sort of reason for his displacement of u. Plz don't take this the wrong way I'm truly trying to provide u with a silver lining. Or the strength to voice your discontent with how he has been treating u. Why do u put up with more and more. Without a line of communication
I apologised this morning and asked if theres anything I can do to make it up and he said no. But still very much ignoring me/witholding the affection. I might just have to accept a fail on this assignment because I can't see myself getting anything done today, when this happens I get a physically sore chest from the anxiety.

I do this because the person I am around him is who I want to be, I want to be tough, have mental fortitude, be logical and so on. So I just try really hard to be that person. But I can't always push down who I am fundamentally inside - I am sensitive by design, I have BPD, but he thinks I am a snowflake when I get upset over things like last night, I think he is sick of me. This doesn't happen very often though and like I said I forced myself to watch a lot of other horrible movies for him and I have been fine for over a year now, it was only this one time where I am struggling and he asks what he can do to help the other night so I thought it would be okay to be honest since he asked.

He does care about me - he drove about 4 hours each day just to see me a few years ago when I was locked up in a mental health unit, he lets me talk if I need to, there's a lot he does to take care of me and be nice to me. Just that when the tides turn they turn hard and I can't handle it. I can't handle the pain, and I know that if he left me I would be a mess because I broke up with him a few years ago exactly because of stuff like last night that was happening all the time and I felt like I "deserved better" - so we broke up, he said it was a good time in his life where he worked on himself and I hit such lows where I was drinking every night and attempted suicide, I have had many lows in my life but this was the worst by far, I had nobody. I don't want to go back to that and I know the pain will do that to me if we broke up, I know it'd be hard to find somebody who is like him, I know that I would be alcoholic again and suicidal and I don't even have a home to live if we broke up so I know I would have it a lot worse off.

I guess I feel fundamentally ashamed of who I truly am so I try to change and be the tough, logical person I wish I was, instead of a prissy snowflake. I hate it and I struggle with myself so much because I get tired of dealing with myself. I still wonder if it's easier to end it all but I couldn't hurt my family like that.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
I am sorry and I apologize for what I'm about to say but I'm a honest and upfront person and I would change for no one. Your trying to hold onto something that is essentially destroying your inner being because of the values you carry with u. But u need to wake up. He is not concerned with u as much as you are concerned with him. This year of self sacrifice that u have put urself through is absolutely fascinating. You don't understand the difficulty others would have in your position. You believe your tender heart and your affection of things is shared by this person. But this person has no real love for u. It's gone and I say for good measure. The guy u so dearly devote your entire being towards him. He knows how to manipulate and control you. And is actively pursuing your discontent because it's exciting to him and he possibly feels a sort of power or control over u. I assume he knows everything about you and yet with all your affliction that you carry with you from ur past. He is a demoralizing aspect upon u. Causing you to physically produce pain or discomfort. Ur antagonism of your own being has created a void and u seek to fill this void with false love . appreciation. Of this man because you're scared shitless of being alone it's 1 of man's greatest constraint. Fear of loinleness is a aspect of life we must come to terms with 1 way or another or you will always give away your happiness to other people who don't deserve a woman like you. I see ur true self even through all this pain u speak of. The kindness of your heart the intensity of your love. Your a empath and empaths are desperately needed in the time we are in and what is to come. I'm a empath I struggled with everything u have been through everything u struggle with I have been in the exact same boat. Your of to much importance to allow this part of u to be destroyed by someone who has absolutely no value of it. If u were mine u would be upheld. Respected and loved with full admiration of exactly who u are unconditional love and appreciation. He is lost and doesn't care to make his way back . It's lost already. I'm sorry to put this upon u I don't enjoy it and would avoid it if possible. But ur to valuable. To precious. To rare. I have everything that I need to assist u in everything that u require. But u must make the choice to repair ur true self and make changes as u see fit but the innocence u possess is hard to replenish once lost. It's purity can't be compromised it must remain intact for your own fulfillment. You are not as broken as u think.your not lost and u have a choice. Be concerned with every wim of this guy and follow him into a relationship that will only continue to get worse because he isn't aware of ur importance he tramples upon ur very essence and it sickens me that someone is doing this intentionally towards u. You deserve far much better more than almost anybody even is capable of providing. Very few are
But you are the master of your own environment and the dictator of your choices. The best thing I can offer in this moment is the advice to at least ponder these things. Weigh them out pros and cons list. You are a inspiration to those who understand u value and delicate nature. You should be proud of that you should hold that above all else I beg u plz. There's enough people who don't care already. We need more caring concerned individuals like u. Not more deception. Or controlling or manipulative.
It's okay to be honest, I prefer the truth rather than being lied to to feel better. It's hard though because usually he is very sweet, easily the most kind, considerate person and he makes my life feel so much better than it ever has been. People always tell me I should leave him but they disregard how nice he is most of the time. And I know I can be difficult to deal with as he doesn't cope well with crying and stuff, it exhausts him. I try to not do it or not in his company but I can't always. But I know that I contribute towards our issues it's not just him, we both are to blame
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Stop it stop giving urself all these reasons to stay. He is destroying ur very core u feel it deep inside I know u do... Unless ur ignoring it. Kind considerate and nice some of the time is not enough. My dad was nice most of the time. Until he wasn't and choose to inflict fear and demoralizing my mom. Hurting her. Yelling in her face calling her names and making threats. You know what my mom told me. He use to be a lot nicer. He never use to put his hands on me or scream at me. But guess what... He fuckin started 2. My mom was the most caring. Loving. Considerate person I have ever known. She also self sacrifices her self so she could impress my father early on in their relationship. U understand the capacity that resentment can bring. U r not being told this by some random joe who holds no value within the things he says... I'm not guessing at this. I'm telling u what will become. Life is to short to suffer through it all. I can show u the way. I make no promises of wealth or status. But I do promise true joy. Happiness. Appreciation. I can show u how to release urself from these thought formations u are trapped by or feel as u don't have a choice
I understand that you're speaking from experience and I thank you. I just know that last time I left I was much worse off and I know it will happen again if we break up. I'd rather just try and keep it going or I am scared I will end up committing suicide ultimately. I just have to work through the now.

He did confirm today that he is still annoyed at me but wants me to "let it go". I have a hard time - why does he have to ignore me and withhold affection if it's something so unimportant that I should let it go? He is treating me like he has done nothing wrong. He even put the movie back on after a while last night and continued to ignore me, I was crying at the table silently, trying to hide myself, he won't look at me. He seems to view it as "attention seeking" when I cry and therefore "will not give in to it" because his ex made him apologise for everything so now he will never apologise for anything to me and because he was constantly trying to cater to his ex because she was high maintenance, now he won't even bother with me when I am in genuine distress. It's like he is taking out all the shit he had to deal with with his ex on me. I never make him apologise for anything and I never cry to manipulate him, I cry because I get to the point where I can't hold it back and it just happens. It feels so neglectful. Like I don't matter to him, like he doesn't believe my pain and thinks I am being ridiculous.

I don't know why I bother. I left, and if we hadn't got back together I would be dead right now. If we break up again, then it will eventually happen anyway, and so I'd rather be alive like this - happy and going well 95% of the time, but intensely miserable for the other 5%
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
lemontree how are you feeling today? :hug:
Hello,

I am feeling a bit annoyed today. Everything is back to normal but I feel angry at him now, I don't understand him. He wants me to be direct and honest and then when I try to he shuts me down, then does the opposite and will not be direct and just tell me what's wrong, he just ignored me and withheld affection for a whole day. Then by the time it's done and he's acting normal again I feel like I can't ask what it is I did that actually upset him so that I don't do it again? This happened every single time I am honestl ike that, he goes cold and ignores me and withholds affection, then seemingly once I have gotten to peak upset-ness he tells me it's not a big deal and I need to learn to let it go and then everything is "fine" again but I am left feeling hurt and angry that he couldn't have just told me what I did wrong rather than ignore me for a whole day.

I want to ask him about it but I don't have the energy. I don't even want to be around him right now in all honesty. It's not fair
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Update: He got angry at this morning, he makes us coffees and he came in and told me coffee would be ready soon and usually he yells out too. I accidentally fell back asleep, been on sleep meds. He was angry about it and said that I get free coffee every morning and the least I can do is get out of bed on time to show respect. Understandable. I wanted to remind him about all the things I do for him that he doesn't respect, like how I make the beds and he ruffles them up and never fixes them back up, he will walk inside with shoes and dirty the floors I vacuum daily, he dumps his dirty laundry and even clean laundry if he gets something but decided not to wear it and I have to sort through it and wash it all, I fold his clothes nicely and put them in the closet and he sifts through them and never ever puts things back so they look nice, I even sort the cupboards so you can find things more easily and he just puts things back wherever and it ends up a mess again. That all feels disrespectful to me.

He said he has felt annoyed all week but just brushes it off to not cause trouble, which sounds familiar as that is exactly how I feel about him. We talked about a few things but didn't really come to a resolution, he wouldn't really listen to what I had to say and said I need to communicate better but still expects me to "just know" stuff. We are both the problem, but me more so because I am continually causing pain to those that I love.

If he wants to break up with me then he can - I will not resist. I will not break up with him though, as I can't handle the pain of the breakup and knowing that the pain is of my own choice. If he wants to leave me then he can, that's okay. Maybe it's selfish of me to leave that to him but I still love him and want to be with him, it's him that has to deal with me and my crap all the time.

I have already started making plans in my head. If he does break up with me, I have a storage locker that I will put everything in. I am earning not close to enough on student allowance to rent on my own and I don't want to flat, nor live with my parents, as they will have to deal with the emotional turmoil I will be in. So that's my things sorted. I will be able to use showers and toilets on campus as I am studying - I will be moving back two hours away to be on campus. In the day, I can use the wifi and power from the library to study. At night, I can sleep in my car - I have done so before and it's comfy, the back windows are tinted so it's fine. Laundry I can get done for a few dollars as needed at the laundromat. I should have enough money for fuel and a bit of food to get me by.

If he does break up with me then I will not be trying to date anyone else. I see the pain I have put him through, I see the things he has had to suffer from because of me. I won't do that to anybody else. I would just kill myself as I have the means but realistically, it's less harm for everyone except me if I just suffer and stay alive and keep out of everyone's hair.

I felt so fixated on the things that he does that hurt and annoy me, but I am no better. It's best I was reminded that.
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Also he told me this morning that I have ruined his weekend.

Sometimes I wish a car would run off course and hit me. I am a blight on everyone that I love
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
1,638
Location
USA
Hi I've been reading this and I had someone in my life whom I loved. I though I loved him anyway, he could be so nice but than he would turn cold as ice. He was a Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde type. He abused me emotionally, I loved him so I let him. One time he threatened me saying I was stalking him, lol! He lived in another state and I never went there. He lied to me making promises he didn't keep. He finally stopped all communication with me with no explanation. Your husband sounds a little like him. He needs to grow up and the way he treats you is UNACCEPTABLE. The man I told you about broke my heart and I'll never be the same, never. I let him out of love and loneliness I wish you good luck, would marriage counseling help?
 

Similar threads

Top