- Jan 9, 2015
Hello everybody, my name is Kris. To begin with, English is not my native language, so excuse my mistakes in writing. I am 19 years old and I came by explain my feelings and search for answers. But before I do that, I would share a bit about me. I've grown up in a East European country and moved away when I was 15 to Finland[Scandinavian country in Europe]. Sure, moving away was hard, losing friends too, but I managed somehow. Learned the language and everything, made friends, even made my own band, since music is my passion. In that point of view, everything is fine, just that now about few months I started feelings somewhat depressed? I don't know[Also I must point out I'm really bad at using exact words, so I will be trying to explain the feelings I have]. I sometimes get paranoid for example when I'm falling a sleep, so If I am facing the wall next to me, I have to turn and check if there is something or someone behind me, also I have this bad feeling about myself going on, and makes my emotions up and down all the time. When I tried to explain that to my girlfriend I started crying for no reason for example. Sometimes I also get angry easily, but I am not aggressive. I don't feel like socializing with people, no matter if its on the internet or in the outside world. I guess what keeps me together is that I work and also go to school, so I am meeting people every now and then because I have to. Lately also I feel like I don't want to do anything, there isn't anything interesting. I'm pretty sure its not puberty, I have been there before years, I know what puberty is like but this is nothing like it. I feel also many other different emotions and feelings, but I just can't share them, because I can't find any words to explain them, but lets say that's half of what I feel. Also I have thought about my past and have found out that all the girlfriends I ever had[without one] were really depressed and were hurting themselves and I always manage to stop them from doing that, in fact 2 of them are living now really happy life and don't have any problems that they had before. Of course later on when they get better, they leave me, but oh well, people change when they get out of depression, they become someone you don't know[this happened before 3 years, now I have girlfriend that I am with her from 1,5 years. Funny enough, she was also self harming and being depressed but I helped her, her scars are almost gone. Its just weird I tried explaining my feelings to her, but she didn't understand my feelings]. Is that some kind of psychosis that I have or what is going on with me? I guess I have to point out that my mother tried to hurt herself when I was little 2 times, also she was in mental hospital for psychosis 3 times, her mother also had some kind of psychosis and my father's mother had that, so I am also afraid that I might have it in the future. The last thing I get in mind is that I also have trouble sleeping, its hard for me to fall asleep and also I can't sleep more than 5-6 hours a day, I just feel like I have more important stuff to do than sleep[which is nothing]. Oh yeah, I'm not using any medications, so keep that in mind Well, I guess that's it from me, I'm really looking for your answers! Have a nice day!
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