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Just want to share how I feel

kristwist

kristwist

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
2
Hello everybody, my name is Kris. To begin with, English is not my native language, so excuse my mistakes in writing. I am 19 years old and I came by explain my feelings and search for answers. But before I do that, I would share a bit about me. I've grown up in a East European country and moved away when I was 15 to Finland[Scandinavian country in Europe]. Sure, moving away was hard, losing friends too, but I managed somehow. Learned the language and everything, made friends, even made my own band, since music is my passion. In that point of view, everything is fine, just that now about few months I started feelings somewhat depressed? I don't know[Also I must point out I'm really bad at using exact words, so I will be trying to explain the feelings I have]. I sometimes get paranoid for example when I'm falling a sleep, so If I am facing the wall next to me, I have to turn and check if there is something or someone behind me, also I have this bad feeling about myself going on, and makes my emotions up and down all the time. When I tried to explain that to my girlfriend I started crying for no reason for example. Sometimes I also get angry easily, but I am not aggressive. I don't feel like socializing with people, no matter if its on the internet or in the outside world. I guess what keeps me together is that I work and also go to school, so I am meeting people every now and then because I have to. Lately also I feel like I don't want to do anything, there isn't anything interesting. I'm pretty sure its not puberty, I have been there before years, I know what puberty is like but this is nothing like it. I feel also many other different emotions and feelings, but I just can't share them, because I can't find any words to explain them, but lets say that's half of what I feel. Also I have thought about my past and have found out that all the girlfriends I ever had[without one] were really depressed and were hurting themselves and I always manage to stop them from doing that, in fact 2 of them are living now really happy life and don't have any problems that they had before. Of course later on when they get better, they leave me, but oh well, people change when they get out of depression, they become someone you don't know[this happened before 3 years, now I have girlfriend that I am with her from 1,5 years. Funny enough, she was also self harming and being depressed but I helped her, her scars are almost gone. Its just weird I tried explaining my feelings to her, but she didn't understand my feelings]. Is that some kind of psychosis that I have or what is going on with me? I guess I have to point out that my mother tried to hurt herself when I was little 2 times, also she was in mental hospital for psychosis 3 times, her mother also had some kind of psychosis and my father's mother had that, so I am also afraid that I might have it in the future. The last thing I get in mind is that I also have trouble sleeping, its hard for me to fall asleep and also I can't sleep more than 5-6 hours a day, I just feel like I have more important stuff to do than sleep[which is nothing]. Oh yeah, I'm not using any medications, so keep that in mind :) Well, I guess that's it from me, I'm really looking for your answers! Have a nice day! :)
 
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cherbear

Guest
I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way and going through this . I'm going through a pretty bad time too so I sympathise with all my heart . My immediate answer is if you have not seen a Doctor yet make an appointment and discuss what you are going through .Medication and or therapy maybe options but make sure you get help hunny . It's admirable you are continuing your studies and keeping your music going . Moving away from everyone is both exciting but hard I did the same thing but did not need to learn another language . Please take care of yourself . You sound articulate , loving and caring . You are more than welcome to PM if you would like to you are not alone in this .Love and hugs xxxx
 
V

volnash

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
I had to talk a bit to you, because i get the whole paranoia thing if we should even call it that but here it goes, it's especially at night and i too keep turning around and checking if anybody is there so i can relate perfectly with you there, for you how long has it been going on?

Big props to you for helping your now exes with not hurting themselves, you say you have been feeling slightly depressed, is this like a hopelessness or is it more of a sadness? i believe there is a difference there.

Do you find the world uninteresting and dull? maybe grey perhaps? ive had that myself, and i believe i was slightly depressed at the time, i also did not want to socialise or go out much i basically had to take time and get a break from anything else, to find myself again and get over that period, im just speaking from my experience here im not telling you to break off anything you are doing in your life.

As for whether or not it's a psychosis i really cant say, but in general if you're not overly delusional and/or having voices or hallucinations i dont believe it is, but im not sure about the exact criteria, and we cant really diagnose here on the forum so your next step is to talk to a professional about this, and i dont know about the whole genetic factor ever being proven real or not, even though many doctors and etc believe it is.

That's basically all i can say apart from welcome Kris, to the forum and ill be awaiting your answer.
 
kristwist

kristwist

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
2
Thank you for the answers, each of you made me feel tiny bit better by replying to my article. The paranoia thing has been there for about a month or so, but never considered it a problem, until I started writing my previous post. Also I've noticed that I don't only check behind me, but I also can't go to sleep without double locking my apartment door[The doors here have a double lock option, never used it before, but started about a month ago].

I would say its more of a hopelessness, there is nothing for me to be sad for. I have a lovely family, friends and an awesome carrying girlfriend. I'm not completely alone, but I've notice that I'm nowadays trying to distance from everybody for no reason. That's what confuses me.

The world is sometimes interesting, but sometimes really dull. Like most young people I love hanging out and being with the people I love, but now I just can't, even if I force myself, I just think of going home and listening to music/making music and doing nothing else. Also I forgot to point out in my previous post that those moods change pretty fast, at one point I am really happy and then at some point feeling hopeless and depressed again, which is something I have never experienced before but now.

I don't hear any voices or so, but I'm completely aware that if I start to, I will need to seek help, because my mother did hear voice when she was not fine.

And thank you for the welcoming, its a pleasure to be here and talk to people who feel the same way that I do!: ) I think I will end this post with a lyrics for a song I wrote, which I feel describe the way I feel a little bit more, if you feel like it, read them. I hope somehow you can understand me better after that :)

"Caged Inside, dont mind your own thoughts
you are alright
Even if the darkness grows inside
Two voices, fighting for a part of me
Which one will take the side
First is screaming Go Go Go go
The others screaming No No No no
They want to grow grow grow grow
I want to know know know know

Cause when the sirens call
you challenge your own hope

Im free to live
Im free to die
Im free to let the monster inside
Im free to kill
Im free to lie
My thoughts are crazy and I need to hide
Free from the pain
It wasn't all in vain
Learned to let it all away
Remember this day
Dancing with faith
It's finally done, but I can't get over
My mind is tricking me
Why don't you leave all this behind
Just stop chasing me!
Am I angry or am I afraid
Is it love or am I insane
these words are meaningless
my actions are worthless"

With the "voices" I meant my emotions. Anyway, waiting for your reply:)
 
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