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Just want to share how I’m feeling

K

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
81
Location
United Kingdom
I’ve self harmed on and off for about 4 years. Currently I’m not, I’m not okay though.

Those words ‘I’m not okay’ are so hard to actually say out loud. I never feel safe and comfortable enough with anyone to say it.
I had a friend a while back that I did talk to, I told her that I self harmed, that I was suicidal and some of the reasons why. It was great at first to have someone, I felt a little better, I felt like I was no longer carrying the entire weight of the world, still heavy but like I’d unloaded a small part.
Then after a while I felt I needed to ask her out right what she thought about mental illness. She’d been saying and posting things on social media that suggested she believed it was a choice.

So I asked and her response hurt like hell.

I tried to clarify what she really meant so I asked her if she believed that having a mental illness is a choice, not the choice to seek help, not the choice to make changes, not the choice to confront the traumas and all that but actually the very start of a mental illness.
And she believed it was. Like as simple as that. You don’t choose to have a cold. You don’t choose to have an accident or break your leg, you don’t choose to have cancer.

But apparently you do choose to have a mental illness.

After trusting her so much I felt so hurt. She’s since gone on to be an ‘emotional health coach’ and I can’t stand seeing the kind of things she says. Taking money from vulnerable people to tell them what they desperately want to hear when you don’t even understand mental illness to begin with.

So this led back to self harming because I felt so alone. How do you trust someone after that? The one person who you never thought would do that to you?

Those urges to harm myself never go away, it’s something I do when it all gets too much because I don’t know where else to turn to. I do it sometimes because I literally hate myself then afterwards I hate myself even more. That vicious cycle.

Having high functioning depression my urges tend to be at the end of the day, night time when I’ve been busy all day, now I’ve stopped and it all catches up with me. Is it bad that the only reason sometimes that I don’t actually harm myself is because I’m literally too tired to do it?

Sorry for this long ramble, I just need to get it off my chest somewhere.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
I’ve self harmed on and off for about 4 years. Currently I’m not, I’m not okay though.

Those words ‘I’m not okay’ are so hard to actually say out loud. I never feel safe and comfortable enough with anyone to say it.
I had a friend a while back that I did talk to, I told her that I self harmed, that I was suicidal and some of the reasons why. It was great at first to have someone, I felt a little better, I felt like I was no longer carrying the entire weight of the world, still heavy but like I’d unloaded a small part.
Then after a while I felt I needed to ask her out right what she thought about mental illness. She’d been saying and posting things on social media that suggested she believed it was a choice.

So I asked and her response hurt like hell.

I tried to clarify what she really meant so I asked her if she believed that having a mental illness is a choice, not the choice to seek help, not the choice to make changes, not the choice to confront the traumas and all that but actually the very start of a mental illness.
And she believed it was. Like as simple as that. You don’t choose to have a cold. You don’t choose to have an accident or break your leg, you don’t choose to have cancer.

But apparently you do choose to have a mental illness.

After trusting her so much I felt so hurt. She’s since gone on to be an ‘emotional health coach’ and I can’t stand seeing the kind of things she says. Taking money from vulnerable people to tell them what they desperately want to hear when you don’t even understand mental illness to begin with.

So this led back to self harming because I felt so alone. How do you trust someone after that? The one person who you never thought would do that to you?

Those urges to harm myself never go away, it’s something I do when it all gets too much because I don’t know where else to turn to. I do it sometimes because I literally hate myself then afterwards I hate myself even more. That vicious cycle.

Having high functioning depression my urges tend to be at the end of the day, night time when I’ve been busy all day, now I’ve stopped and it all catches up with me. Is it bad that the only reason sometimes that I don’t actually harm myself is because I’m literally too tired to do it?

Sorry for this long ramble, I just need to get it off my chest somewhere.
Once a self harmer always a self harmer, even if you are just harming yourself mentally instead of physically. I’ve been harming myself on and off for 10 years but those thoughts never go away. It’s a horrible cycle which is extremely hard to break when you don’t have support! ❤
Some of my family believe that mental health is a choice or a weakness & it’s hard when people you care about don’t get you. You are not alone & lots of people on here will be your support.Xx
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,369
Location
Scotland
Once a self harmer always a self harmer, even if you are just harming yourself mentally instead of physically. I’ve been harming myself on and off for 10 years but those thoughts never go away. It’s a horrible cycle which is extremely hard to break when you don’t have support! ❤
Some of my family believe that mental health is a choice or a weakness & it’s hard when people you care about don’t get you. You are not alone & lots of people on here will be your support.Xx
Well I am not sure that what you are saying is right. I am an alcoholic. I will be an alcoholic lying on my death bed. The thing is I have reached a stage where, summoning my best attitude and strength, I choose not to take the stuff again. So I applaud Kitty and to a degree I can understand where she is coming from. I have been off drink for almost 5.5 years. The thing is doing this laid my mental illness bare. I started to have to experience it without alcohol to mask the symptoms. I have had to learn to sit with my thoughts and feelings and try to find another way to deal with this. It sounds to me that Kitty is sitting at that place. I would be saying someone who has a history of self harm can and should be supported to move through that point in their lives.
 
K

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
81
Location
United Kingdom
Thank you ❤ I’m glad I’ve found this forum.

The urge just never goes away.

My family don’t know about it, they wouldn’t get it. Everyone is always like your family love you and they’re there for you and all that but you know your family better than anyone and you know whether or not you feel comfortable and safe to talk about it. And unfortunately I don’t.

Everyday I go to work and it’s always the same question, ‘how are you?’ And I always do the generic ‘I’m good thank you, how are you?’ When all I’m really desperate to say is ‘not good at all’.

It’s amazing how much you can hide when you’re so used to it.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
Thank you ❤ I’m glad I’ve found this forum.

The urge just never goes away.

My family don’t know about it, they wouldn’t get it. Everyone is always like your family love you and they’re there for you and all that but you know your family better than anyone and you know whether or not you feel comfortable and safe to talk about it. And unfortunately I don’t.

Everyday I go to work and it’s always the same question, ‘how are you?’ And I always do the generic ‘I’m good thank you, how are you?’ When all I’m really desperate to say is ‘not good at all’.

It’s amazing how much you can hide when you’re so used to it.
The feelings / need to self harm doesn’t go away, even if you have years without. Something can trigger and you can be back in that head space.
It’s almost easier to put a face on because you don’t know peoples reactions and feelings. It’s your choice about telling family, some of my family members are really helpful & others are utter shit piles 😂 It does make you feel very alone but remember your not ❤
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
Well I am not sure that what you are saying is right. I am an alcoholic. I will be an alcoholic lying on my death bed. The thing is I have reached a stage where, summoning my best attitude and strength, I choose not to take the stuff again. So I applaud Kitty and to a degree I can understand where she is coming from. I have been off drink for almost 5.5 years. The thing is doing this laid my mental illness bare. I started to have to experience it without alcohol to mask the symptoms. I have had to learn to sit with my thoughts and feelings and try to find another way to deal with this. It sounds to me that Kitty is sitting at that place. I would be saying someone who has a history of self harm can and should be supported to move through that point in their lives.
And I will be a self harmer on my death bed, not allowed certain medication (like blood thinners) for my own safety. Self harm is a way of coping like drinking was for you. Hopefully you can get better and find other ways to cope but when something bad happens it’s the first thing you instinctively think of, even if you are strong enough to resist .
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,369
Location
Scotland
I’ve self harmed on and off for about 4 years. Currently I’m not, I’m not okay though.

Those words ‘I’m not okay’ are so hard to actually say out loud. I never feel safe and comfortable enough with anyone to say it.
I had a friend a while back that I did talk to, I told her that I self harmed, that I was suicidal and some of the reasons why. It was great at first to have someone, I felt a little better, I felt like I was no longer carrying the entire weight of the world, still heavy but like I’d unloaded a small part.
Then after a while I felt I needed to ask her out right what she thought about mental illness. She’d been saying and posting things on social media that suggested she believed it was a choice.

So I asked and her response hurt like hell.

I tried to clarify what she really meant so I asked her if she believed that having a mental illness is a choice, not the choice to seek help, not the choice to make changes, not the choice to confront the traumas and all that but actually the very start of a mental illness.
And she believed it was. Like as simple as that. You don’t choose to have a cold. You don’t choose to have an accident or break your leg, you don’t choose to have cancer.

But apparently you do choose to have a mental illness.

After trusting her so much I felt so hurt. She’s since gone on to be an ‘emotional health coach’ and I can’t stand seeing the kind of things she says. Taking money from vulnerable people to tell them what they desperately want to hear when you don’t even understand mental illness to begin with.

So this led back to self harming because I felt so alone. How do you trust someone after that? The one person who you never thought would do that to you?

Those urges to harm myself never go away, it’s something I do when it all gets too much because I don’t know where else to turn to. I do it sometimes because I literally hate myself then afterwards I hate myself even more. That vicious cycle.

Having high functioning depression my urges tend to be at the end of the day, night time when I’ve been busy all day, now I’ve stopped and it all catches up with me. Is it bad that the only reason sometimes that I don’t actually harm myself is because I’m literally too tired to do it?

Sorry for this long ramble, I just need to get it off my chest somewhere.
Hi. I am really sorry you were befriended by such a shallow individual. I share your concern if she is working in the field of supporting emotionally fragile people. I hope she is registered and qualified to do this. I would tend to think.those she is providing a service to will sense her real attitude and find another therapist. As regards yourself I can fully relate re the high functioning depression. I would get through the day and have to turn to alcohol to get me through the evening as the day had been too much. Now I am much better as I do not have the stress of work and I try only to cope with what I know I can cope with. This is a lot less than when I was younger but that's ok. However you will realise there are nice people out there who understand resilience and emotional fragility. I hope you can identify a source of support. My GP practice apparently has a Mental Health Nurse attached who gives support and guidance to the doctors. I obviously do not know if you would be able to have a frank discussion with a GP about your need for a support outlet. I hope so x
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,369
Location
Scotland
And I will be a self harmer on my death bed, not allowed certain medication (like blood thinners) for my own safety. Self harm is a way of coping like drinking was for you. Hopefully you can get better and find other ways to cope but when something bad happens it’s the first thing you instinctively think of, even if you are strong enough to resist .
But I have just said I no longer drink. Of course I think of harming myself by.taking a drink but I cannot and will not do it. I do believe it is possible to stop self harming in other ways.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
You just said you are going to be an alcoholic on your death bed? Which means it’s an issue you have to deal with for the rest of your life like self harm. I’m not saying it’s not impossible to stop but the thoughts will always be there
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
I hope you never pick up a drink again like I hope I won’t self harm but that doesn’t stop it from being an issue and you could slip up like all humans can...
 
K

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
81
Location
United Kingdom
The feelings / need to self harm doesn’t go away, even if you have years without. Something can trigger and you can be back in that head space.
It’s almost easier to put a face on because you don’t know peoples reactions and feelings. It’s your choice about telling family, some of my family members are really helpful & others are utter shit piles 😂 It does make you feel very alone but remember your not ❤
Ever wish you never started to self harm? 😩

Yeah some of them really are shitty!! There is a young woman I work with who is very open about her mental health but if you wanted to tell her something in confidence about yourself she would tell other people. Which disappointed me when I found how much she talks about others, I started to feel like maybe I could talk to her but no! She’s lovely don’t get me wrong but personally I’m not happy to be work place gossip.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
Ever wish you never started to self harm? 😩

Yeah some of them really are shitty!! There is a young woman I work with who is very open about her mental health but if you wanted to tell her something in confidence about yourself she would tell other people. Which disappointed me when I found how much she talks about others, I started to feel like maybe I could talk to her but no! She’s lovely don’t get me wrong but personally I’m not happy to be work place gossip.
Wish I never self harmed or picked up a cigarette!! 😂
Work place gossip is stupidly hard to deal with, have you got someone in your life that you can talk to confidentially? Xx
 
K

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
81
Location
United Kingdom
Hi. I am really sorry you were befriended by such a shallow individual. I share your concern if she is working in the field of supporting emotionally fragile people. I hope she is registered and qualified to do this. I would tend to think.those she is providing a service to will sense her real attitude and find another therapist. As regards yourself I can fully relate re the high functioning depression. I would get through the day and have to turn to alcohol to get me through the evening as the day had been too much. Now I am much better as I do not have the stress of work and I try only to cope with what I know I can cope with. This is a lot less than when I was younger but that's ok. However you will realise there are nice people out there who understand resilience and emotional fragility. I hope you can identify a source of support. My GP practice apparently has a Mental Health Nurse attached who gives support and guidance to the doctors. I obviously do not know if you would be able to have a frank discussion with a GP about your need for a support outlet. I hope so x
She’s not registered or qualified, which is why she’s called an ‘emotional’ health coach as opposed to a ‘mental’ health coach. Pisses me off if I’m honest.

I went to my GP a couple of years ago, gave me anti depressants but I couldn’t get on with them at all. I’ve phoned the Samaritans a few times. I’ve not been in a position to go to a therapist without others knowing where I’m going, now I can but it’s a case of how long is the waiting list?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ After the past year mental health support is so overrun.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
She’s not registered or qualified, which is why she’s called an ‘emotional’ health coach as opposed to a ‘mental’ health coach. Pisses me off if I’m honest.

I went to my GP a couple of years ago, gave me anti depressants but I couldn’t get on with them at all. I’ve phoned the Samaritans a few times. I’ve not been in a position to go to a therapist without others knowing where I’m going, now I can but it’s a case of how long is the waiting list?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ After the past year mental health support is so overrun.
Waiting lists in the UK are long, about 6months I had to wait. What anti depressants did you try? Are you almost embarrassed to admit you need help to the people around you because you have no reason to be ❤
 
K

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
81
Location
United Kingdom
Wish I never self harmed or picked up a cigarette!! 😂
Work place gossip is stupidly hard to deal with, have you got someone in your life that you can talk to confidentially? Xx
😂 I started smoking again last year after almost 10 years!!

Right now I’d say no I don’t. Partly why I found this forum, it’s the first time in a long time I’ve ‘told’ anyone how I’m really feeling at all!
 

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