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Just want to feel something

N

Nina24

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Joined
Oct 21, 2020
Messages
80
Location
UK
Having nightmares and intrusive images, got drunk just so I could feel something and let it out, but feel worse.
Don't want to die but want images to end and thoughts to go, have written 7 pages tonight and no further on, still feeling used, like trash, and so so sad but mostly numb from assaults and grief.
I want help but cbt and trauma therapy not helping, started criminal proceedings but I feel guilt over that too.
What's wrong with me?
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Feb 6, 2021
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1,323
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Hi @Nina24
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I don't want to make assumptions. What do you mean "from assaults and grief?" What do you mean by criminal proceedings? Can you elaborate more so that we can help you better? Thanks.
 
N

Nina24

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Joined
Oct 21, 2020
Messages
80
Location
UK
I was sexually assaulted aged 11-13yrs by a family member and I thought the only way of getting him out of my head was to report him to the police, but all I feel is guilt over the come back he potentially will have, as I have no contact with the family now.
I was then raped at 14yrs by a so called friend.
I was in foster care following the death of my dad and accident, leading to brain damage, of my mum when 3 and 5yrs. The grief was losing them and my 2 siblings.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
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Hey, @Nina24, first off, when you say "what's wrong with me" the very fact you're still here and fighting after all of that trauma says nothing, you are strong and your feelings are totally understandable after all of that. I wish I was that strong. You are being really, really hard on yourself at a time when you need to try to be your best friend, it sounds like. Easy to say, I know, and I am certainly not this to myself, but when someone is looking at it from the outside, it is more clear to them, as they are not stuck in your emotions. Do you know any DBT skills that can help w the intense emotions you're going through? Have you tried to "sidetrack" your current feelings for a bit w distraction, something funny to watch or anything? It sounds like you're really in the thick of it, and that some quick skills could at least offer temporary relief.

The stress of court proceedings on top of it all is a lot, I've always wondered how people make it through those when it's something so emotional. But you are making it through, and you can do this. Keep reaching out here if it helps. If not, maybe you can research some therapists who offer DBT, which may be more helpful than CBT, was for me. Also, it sounds like a lot of trauma, so I hope you're working w someone who knows how to help with ptsd. Have you looked at the ptsd forum on here? Wondering if others on it may relate better, have experience going through the court system following such trauma.

I'm so sorry, and again, keep reaching out and try to not be so hard on yourself. You don't need to re-victimise yourself like that, try to allow yourself some grace.
 
N

Nina24

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Joined
Oct 21, 2020
Messages
80
Location
UK
Thankyou, but its how I feel, how I've been made to feel and its so hard to stop. I see it's not helpful but years of being told I'm useless and only good for one thing makes it difficult.
Brain dead, what's dbt? and definitely ptsd from childhood abuse is what psychologist said, that's where all my problems stem from.
My mental health nurse appears to get frustrated with me as I keep going backwards, last week she caught a glimpse of my diary and asked to read it as she saw the word 'guilty' amongst others and she said, I thought we'd gotten over this?
I dont feel like I led anyone on as I was far too young but it's now that I feel guilty about, I should have acted sooner, rather than waiting years.
I just feel totally disgusted and disgusting!
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
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Location
US
I'm sorry, and I'm sorry if I invalidated any feelings. It's so hard to hear from the outside and want to shake you out of feeling like this, but I guess that's what people in my life try to do with me, and it's not helpful.

I wish I could somehow take that feeling away, and I know it's something you've been dealing with most of your life, so likely therapy with the right therapist is the most helpful. DBT is dialectic behavioural therapy, incorporates a lot of mindfulness and skills you can you to ease emotional mind when you're really in it. Has helped me a lot, but I'm still struggling, so obviously we have no quick fix that we know of. I'd suggest looking into it, as it's really effective for a lot of people with a wide array of issues. It's just basically helpful in life, too.

I'll be thinking of you and I really hope you can let this out and begin healing more. Hugs to you.
 
N

Nina24

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2020
Messages
80
Location
UK
You didn't invalidate any feelings, I actually meant thankyou.
It's good to share with others that have been through similar feelings.
Sleep now x
 
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