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just want to escape.

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I dont feel like dying or suicidal, I just need to escape my life. Its not what I want anymore, I just want to be left alone. I'm even struggling to motivate for my shift which I can normally manage.
Very few people would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth any. If I didn't have my son to think about I'd of gone years ago but instead I've stayed. My bf says he loves me and doesn't wanna separate but I don't feel like I can carry it on. I hate him touching me I hate sleeping in the same bed even the way he drinks and eats annoys me :(
I just don't know where to go as I have no where to go and no money to escape with :( am I just destined yo live this life I hate?
 
Parissa

Parissa

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It sounds like depression though wildflower, all of the things you say are how i feel when depressed. I used to want to break up with my boyfriend when i hit a depression because i didn't want to be around him nor anyone else. I didn't really feel love, and wanted to hide away, stay away from everyone. i still get like that sometimes when not depressed, when just battered down by life. I think when you have been through a lot, have a difficult past, stress, it is natural to want to be alone and hide, it is what animals do isn't it.

I hope that these feelings will pass for you soon. I'm sure in time you will start to feel better and come out of this difficult period in your life. In my experience, although it seems like one problem after another sometimes, there is an overall feeling of progress. A moving on from one thing to another, sorting each one out as i go along. Hopefully i will get to a point where there are no more problems!

Love Parissa
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Its certainly one problem to the next. I feel the only time I was happy was when i instead of getting help and taking my ADs I self medicated and drank and partied. Yesterday for the first time in ages felt like I just wanted to get shitfaced and forget it all. It just feels like what's the point in being alive if this is all it is :( I'm not enough danger to myself or others yet for anyone to help other than give me ten minutes of the GPS time to give me more tablets. :( all they're good for is sleep anyway
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Do you have anyone you can talk to, a counsellor, support worker or therapist? x
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I àm on a waiting list for CBT for my anger. I don't have a support worker, even worse I am a support worker. I am jealous some days of them, I wish I had their life! The accommodation is twice as good as anything I'll ever afford, they have their bills paid for and their accounts managed for thm, spending money allocated each day! Some around most the time for help and support. I just wish they could see how lucky they really are to have this! And they're most so ungrateful :(
 
Parissa

Parissa

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I'd love to be looked after too. I get benefits and housing benefit at the moment and it is the safest i have felt in a long time. No pressure at all, just being taken care of while i sort my shit out.

Getting shit faced now and then is ok, as long as it doesn't happen to often.

It does sound like you need to talk to someone though. CBT counsellors just focus on the present i think, and sometimes we need to talk about whatever we need to talk about. I've gone down to the samaritans office in the past and spoken to someone face to face. I see a counsellor now, and have phone sessions if available and it really helps to sort my head out and offload my feelings.

Keep writing x
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Stupidly we got a mortgage 8 years ago when houses were very expensive and everything crashed and our house is almost worth what we paid for it again. We've too much debt for me not to work but its becoming harder and harder for me. I used to have a good well paid job but i sunk into deep depression and walked away. That's what made me want to care, cause I'm good at it but I just don't seem to be getting out this hole :( my meds have been upped changed and I just don't feel any benefit. Ive always worked except for when I was I'll with non hodgekins lymphoma but soon as I was well I was back to work. I just don't want to live like this anymore. Just another statistic shoved on ADs til I become a danger to someone
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Im pretty sure my bf is a catalyst for my depression and rage. He is just so infuriating as he never listens to a word that comes out my mouth or remembers things i ask him to do. I say I wish he'd try as can't he see that's what makes it worse. Then its my fault for not reminding him then if I do I get told shut up añd stop nagging. He tells me lump it all men are the same so I won't find better. Don't get me wrong now and again he has his uses and helps but most the te he sends me into rage and makes me feel like shit. At least theyre going out soon so I can have some peace but I feel like just getting in the car and driving away.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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No I've never had a dependancy. drank alot when i was young and now it just doesn't interest me, maybe only as an escape
 
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