• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Just want someone who know what it's like.

B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Hi all. I'm new to this particular forum but not to the disorder. I've known all my life that I was different and pretty weird. I won't go into all of what made me this way, including heredity but if y'all wanna know something, ask away.

My diagnosis was made about six years ago when I was 40. But I've always had the symptoms, just had NO clue it was mental! Lol. I'm high functioning BPD and also bipolar though the BPD is much more prevalent.

I was on antipsychotics until a few months ago. I have a phobia of side effects. And like many before me...thought maybe it just went away. I'm cured...hooray! Lol. I did some DBT. Mostly just let the drug make me an emotionless waste.

I have OCD and major depression as well. I'm the typical chameleon. ..wear that mask well. My biggest problem is trying not to let my issues get me fired. I am a cashier for the biggest retailer in the world...guess who. And I have some of the meanest, nastiest customers alive. You can guess how that affects me.

When looking for a" safe" place on here, I find places for family of BPD ppl. I feel very wary of them. Does anyone else feel" attacked" by them? So I chose this forum because it seems more welcoming to us mental folk. Lol.

My hubby has issues but he doesn't want to discuss any of this. So here I am. I need ppl who know what it's like. I need to be able to talk and have someone listen. I hope y'all will have me...screwed up as I am. Thanks for reading.....
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Welcome to the forums!

I hope you enjoy it around here, people are friendly.

Most of us, if not all have mental health issues,a mixed bag but understanding.

I'm a BPDer but don;t know if I believe it! I was on anti psychs, only just come off them in fact and am not coping well with the withdrawals. I think I preferred being dumbed down.

You take good care
KS
xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum.
You'll find plenty of people here who knows what it's like to suffer with mental health issues of all kinds.

I just wanted to say be careful about looking on sites aimed at those who know someone who suffers with BPD.
A lot of posters seem very angry and they're venting at "people with BPD" in general, tarring everybody with the same brush. It's depressing to read.

Anyway, hope you find it helpful here. :)
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Hi keepsafe. The withdrawals are awful. I hardly slept the first month off of the drugs. Then I started having crazy anxiety and panic attacks. At work. It was so hard not to run outta there. I'm not having any more withdrawals now but my emotions are all over the place. Not sure which I like better.

SomersetScorpio thanks for the advice. Once I started reading their intro I felt like they were out to get me. I haven't read any of the threads on those places. I feel like they hate BPD ppl and I don't need that. I have enough trouble dealing with mean customers. I take it too personally.

No one outside immediate family know about me. I'm terrified to let ppl know. There is one girl at work who is 21 and her friend told me she's BPD. But I'm not going to approach her. Hence the reason I'm here. I need someone who understands. Hubby is schizophrenic and he wants to forget we are" different" from others. They notice. Boy, do they.
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Question....I don't see my psych doc or nurse anymore so can't ask them. My nurse wouldn't answer my questions anyway. She was worthless. But here goes....


Does anyone have" daymares" ? For example I have two sons that I adore and I have these horrible thought of them dying in the most awful ways. I do this with my husband and myself too. I have to scream STOP in my head to get them to quit. I torture myself. This is not new. I've always had it. Does anyone else? Will it ever stop?
 
P

plaasmesisie

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2015
Messages
49
Hi there broken1
I am brand new to this forum and have just registered. Please let me introduce myself. I am broken 2 and have also known there is something very different about me ALL my life. After 44 years of searching for answers I finally have a diagnosis of BPD and an explanation for my intense, often uncontrollable emotions!
I wept when I read the profile and characteristics of the illness and thought "That's me!"
My most predominant symptom is that I have an profound fear of loss and abandonment and cling to others for dear life as I am so desperate for love and affirmation
I come from a lifetime of neglect, abuse and abandonment and at 44 my symptoms have become almost unbearable and are destroying my new marriage.
Thus, I sought out help and discovered my condition
It all makes sense now but that does not help me manage the way I feel EVERY day of my life
I am so glad I read your post and hope we can find the help and support we need to live more fulfilling balanced lives
Blessings to you
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Hi and it's amazing how we mirror each other in some ways. I, too, got help because of the abandonment issues. I wanted to fix myself so I don't ruin my new marriage. #3 for me. I tried everything!!!! Hypnosis, self esteem tapes, books, you name it. Their guaranteed products did nothing for me. I felt like the world's biggest freak and loser. After all, millions were cured with this product!!!! Lol. My hubby insisted I get counselling. I, too, came from a home from hell. So I went to the mental health here after I was kept in hospital on a psych hold for suicide attempt. My therapist started asking me all these questions and I was shocked. How do you know that? I demanded. How do you know all this about me???? I was naive. I never thought I had a mental illness. He diagnosed me and I started seeing a psych doc who concurred. When I read about it later...I was crushed. BPD IS ME. All of the symptoms describe me. But finally I had answers. And I have improved. I'm still married. But I still struggle. On meds I was able to stop all the wrong thinking about hubby. I accused him on a daily basis of wanting someone else. I was terrified to lose him. But I was shoving him away. Its been a rough ride. Now I stopped meds I'm lost on what to do to feel in control. So glad to" meet" you though sorry for the circumstance.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Does anyone have" daymares" ? For example I have two sons that I adore and I have these horrible thought of them dying in the most awful ways. I do this with my husband and myself too. I have to scream STOP in my head to get them to quit. I torture myself. This is not new. I've always had it. Does anyone else? Will it ever stop?
Sounds a bit like intrusive thoughts.
Whilst intrusive thoughts are typically associated with OCD, i've heard quite a few people with BPD say they have trouble with them too and I do wonder if it's actually quite a common BPD thing.
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Hmmm. I do have OCD pretty badly. I have a lot of phobias as well. Thanks for the input. 😄
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Hmmm. I do have OCD pretty badly. I have a lot of phobias as well. Thanks for the input. ��
Oh my memory is like a sieve at the moment! I swear I read all of your post and still managed to forget you saying you had OCD. :doh:
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
Lol...My memory is like that too. I can remember the 80s like yesterday but I can't tell you what I ate last night!!!
 
P

plaasmesisie

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2015
Messages
49
So reassuring to know others struggle with the same of similar issues I do! I feel like nobody else could possibly feel the way I do and my h keeps reminding me that no other woman on earth would behave the way I do and that no other man would put up with it either!
Well perhaps he is right. I certainly feel terribly alone and its a struggle every day just to get through the day without losing control emotionally
I do work and function at a very high level however once I return home and face my h and family, apparently I am unable to cope with the intensity of my insecurity and I lose control of myself. This results in daily emotional outbursts and desperate attempts to get love and reassurance from my h who cannot handle it at all, He usually has the fight then flight response which intensifies my abandonment issues and results in a very nasty and intensely painful situation
I have also been hospitalized 14 years ago for attempted suicide and have ideation daily however no intent to follow through
The life of a person with BPD. Is pure torture and I need all the support I can get
Look forward to sharing with you again
 
B

broken1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2015
Messages
104
Location
U.S.
It does help to have someone that knows exactly what you are going through. I totally feel for you. I think my hubby is more understanding because he has his own mental issue. When we first got together and I lost it on a daily basis, he would leave. You know exactly what that does to a BPD person. I would freak out and go try to find him. Speeding and driving recklessly and just plain spazing.

When I knew he was leaving I would block his way, beg and plead! I still freak out if he has to go somewhere without me. I still don't do well with that.

I used to be tons worse than I am now. I had all these ideas in my head that everyone...hubby, therapist, psychiatrist, etc tried to convince me weren't real. But it's REAL to me. Totally. DBT helped a bit with that. The meds helped my mood control...lol...control...funny. For lack of a better word. I would have these inhuman rages. It was awful.

Since I'm off meds I find the anger returning. I'm one of those that like to drive full speed, music blasting until I can get a grip.

I'm so sorry your hubby doesn't understand. My own is a bit better with it but still lacking where I need it. I need the listening and understanding of what a monumental effort it takes to try to be" normal" during the day. The patience to deal with it when I fall short. I have done so much to help the relationship and try to alter my faults in it.

It's just so hard!!! When I'm tired I get all emotional and dejected. I just want to be accepted and loved. Took me a long time to figure that out.

Sorry for rambling on. Long hard day from hell. I need to go try to calm down. Thanks for your post. Hugs to you.
 
P

plaasmesisie

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2015
Messages
49
Hi there
Thanks for your response. Wow! I am amazed that we experience such similar emotions and responses to what we perceive as abandonment! When my h and I started dating we spent every spare moment together causing me to think "at last I have found someone who wants to do everything with me". Within days of getting married and blending families (his 2 kids and my. 2) the "love affair of the century" ended abruptly and I fell headlong in to total panic! Suddenly he wanted his "space" and time to be "himself" without me and I felt like my entire world had blown up in my face! Every day has become worse and we have spent countless hours in heated arguments over my "irrational and abnormal " behaviour
While he is gone pursuing his interests, I am at home falling apart and hysterical because the thoughts in my head are relentless. My mind conjures up the worst case scenario all the time and I am convinced my h is out looking at other women or with someone else,etc
The thing that hurts me the most is that I have this profound sense of not being important to him and I see anything and everything he does as being more important than me
At times I also drive at high speeds with blaring music so I laughed in recognition of what you said because I can totally identify☺
I just started a new medication and I am hopeful it will stabilize my emotions and help with the awful tormenting thoughts I seem unable to control
According to my h I have"single-handedly destroyed this marriage after only 6 months ����
We all have an innate desire to be loved and accepted however so few people can see past the deceptive symptoms of the BPD persona to the real person inside crying out for love
I have yet to try DBT as I am newly diagnosed so please share what that entails and if you feel it is helpful in controlling thoughts and emotions ��
I have been up all night after another devastating argument with my h so please forgive my lengthy response, just trying to make sense of the crushing pain inside that makes it hard to breath
So grateful I found this forum as I am Internet shy and seldom ever go online for any reason
Only researched BPD due to my new diagnosis and came across this forum and your post
Such a blessing to have you to talk to��
Hope you have a better day today
Hugs back to you��
 
Spaceman

Spaceman

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
187
Location
Hampshire UK
Hi
I have been visiting this site on and off for sometime. I am BPD sufferer and was diagnosed 6 years ago at the age of 42. I am high functioning on the outside but an emotional wreck on the inside. I am also what they call a quiet BPD which means that I act out inwardly rather than outwardly so use self harm and suicidal fantasies to punish myself and others. Like you I am a chameleons who can wear a mask to hide behind. No one apart from my wife and CMht knows and if they did I would fear I would lose my job. So I spend every day fighting against the voices, self harm urges and suicidal thoughts just waiting to die. Self harm not been good today and thoughts of ending it all are strong but as usual I will put the thoughts of others first which is my safety mechanism, what you could call a gift and a curse. It was good to hear the threads were alike in our symptomology. I hope you find the site beneficial and wish you well
 
Top