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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Just want someone to listen ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Summerof76

Summerof76

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Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
218
Location
UK
***TRIGGER WARNING- SUICIDAL IDEATION****

I am actually really fucked off and don’t know where else to vent. This is really bothering me and has been for days. Of course, I have no one in my real life to listen to me. The two people I have in my life are only interested in themselves. Both of them give the ‘I’m a bloody Martyr’ spout, promoting themselves as fucking angels, saving everybody else to their detriment. And yet they’re never bloody there for me. Both of them expect me to drop everything to listen to them whinge about work or relationships, because of ISSUES THEY CREATE and yet when I try to open my mouth about my mental health issues, they sweep me aside. One even laughed when I tried to explain and now, frankly I couldn’t give a steaming shit about her anymore. She’s a fucking waste of space anyway. SHE let her daughter be sexually abused, created the hell her daughter has to live in every day because of her selfish neglect and pathetic inability to do a basic job of PROTECTING her. Then spends her waste of a fucking life sitting on arse, waiting for everyone to save her, while endlessly harping on about how much of a victim she is. She’s always ill- it even stops her from working- but never too ill to sit around drinking, smoking and involving herself in other people’s problems.

The other one, well, frankly I’m fed up with what she keeps coming to me about. Fucked up your job again? Keep your fucking mouth shut and tow the line once in a while, and perhaps things wouldn’t be so difficult for you. You and the girlf battered each other stupid again? Don’t worry, it’ll all be fucking Disney and roses again tomorrow and anything I say will quickly be dismissed, so what’s the fucking point in saying anything?!


But wait, I’m sitting here on my own- have been for months now- wondering who’s going to take care of the cats when I finally decide to take my own life.
AND THEY KNOW. They know my son isn’t talking to me and that I’m dealing with the anxiety of him being in an abusive relationship. They also know I’m waiting on tests for M.S and I suffer from mental health problems- I’ve even tried to tell them the extent of them, but they don’t listen or when something sneaks through, they downplay it. Then as soon as there’s any sign of me needing help, they go quiet- tell me they think I needed space. Of course, what I need is more time on my hands….

When they do reach out, it’s all about them.

So, I did what I do best. Divert, escape- in other words, spend lots of time on the internet, talking to a guy from the U.S, but frankly that’s become a chore too. He’s using me as his therapist and I’m now utterly fucked off at that relationship/connection (whatever it is!).

To be honest, that one has all been a bit weird. I connected with him through a page we both liked, but for the first week or so, he was unsure as to whether I was a real person. There were coincidences in us connecting with each other and as he also has mental health issues, he thought he had manifested me from something he had watched.

At first, the ‘relationship’ was great! He was very interested- liked what he saw from my pictures and was sending me songs with hidden messages. I managed to convince him I was a real person and his interest began to wane slightly. Not completely, but a little. The songs stopped and he became more focused on himself.
Actually, I spent a week getting lots of messages about his lost love for another girl and him asking me over and over what I thought certain behaviours from her meant. The messages could be described as slightly manic. I did my best to go through things with him- keep a realistic view on some of the things he was saying and giving him other perspectives. From a woman and psych’s point of view, the girl is keeping on the back burner- she does have an interest in him, but it’s not strong enough for her to want to take his signals of interest any further and I suggested that there may be someone else she is waiting for. He agreed with my perceptions and said he would simply take it one day at a time with her, although she would probably always be in his life, because of a family connection.

There were also other personal conversations (that I won’t go in to) and I’ve tried to advise him to the best I can, keeping a mostly impartial view (as I don’t know those involved) and encouraging him to use evidence in his current difficulties, rather than emotions. I have effectively been ‘counselling’ him. Even using therapeutic strategies and language.

In fact, because of the time difference and because some of what he said made me concerned for his mental wellbeing, I stayed up throughout the night twice. That finally calmed down and I saw the opportunity to do something I had promised I would do- send him a video to prove I was real. I actually thought that if he saw that I was a real person, he might stop using me as a kind of diary. Maybe consider me in the conversations we were having.

I have a lot of insecurities about the way I look, so this was a big deal for me to do. Years of grinding my teeth and biting my nails through anxiety has made me conscious of how small my two front teeth are. I am currently undergoing consultations with a dentist regarding how to fix them, but in the meantime, I have a slight Vampire smile. That coupled with thin lips, bright green eyes, black hair and very sharp cheekbones, and I could well look like something out of Twilight. Attractive to some- not to others.

And clearly not to my American pal, because after a very brief conversation with a somewhat polite compliment on my voice; he didn’t bother talking to me for over two days. In those two days, I have been in bits; mentally punishing myself for being so fucking ugly. Not only that, but being desperate and ugly. He’s only 24- I’m nearly 45- why the hell did I think he would be interested in me anyway? I’m not even half as pretty as the girl he fancies (oh yeah, he posted a pic of her for all to see), so why the hell did I think I even had a chance? I’ve been absolutely nuts over him, because I really did feel like we connected, despite our age gap. We both have ACEs that have created social issues for us; both have personality disorders that include forms of psychosis, and have similar characteristics regarding our M.H problems. Plus, we both have a thing about musical messages.

I knew he didn’t feel the same way, but still it’s hurt. To be given so much interest and then dropped and only taken out when needed.

When he did come back to me, it was to go over more issues he’s having. He doesn’t bother asking me anything about my life; doesn’t have a clue who I am or how I feel or what I think. He just simply wants to offload and has no one else to rant to, so he uses me. I’m sitting here with an unread message from him. More about his current situation. A situation that if he didn’t throw fuel on the fire might not occur.

Generally, I am utterly fucked off with life and the thought of suicide becomes more and more attractive every day. I have no one, I’m struggling financially and cannot see my situation changing any time soon. My only issue is my cats. If I go, they’ll either go to my Mother (who I don’t trust with one of them) or be stuck in a shelter. If they go to a shelter, they won’t be rehomed together and as three of them are 12-year-old brothers, they need to stay together. My eldest is 14 and I have no doubt he would be rehomed quite easily as he’s absolutely beautiful. But he’s taken a lot of work to get him to trust me. He has a complicated background and has already lost one human, so I don’t want to put him through that again.

They’re the ONLY reason I don’t do it.

Anyway, I think I better stop now. I apologise to anyone reading this. I just think I want to be heard, because it seems that no one is listening at the moment.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm really sorry for what you're going through, I hope you can get the help you deserve.

It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
941
Location
Argentina
Read ur text. Sorry for the bad experience with thay guy. And so bad to hear u doing so bad. Dont know what to say, just think how bad u r feeling to want to end all. Hope u can feel better somehow.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
490
Location
California
Hi Summerof,
just want to share that I am hoping you can find support and care. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. Several years ago, I felt like I could never get help even though I was there for others. There was no one for me. I had my dogs. You have your cats. Right around the time when I thought I couldn't continue, things started changing. I was going to ask you about your cats names and share the names of my dogs, but then I am afraid of someone realizing who I am. My dogs from then have passed away, but they were my little protectors. I have a sweet little dog now too. I had a sweet cat too. Dogs and cats are like little angels. I am sorry to hear about your son not speaking to you. That has to be very hard. Please stay safe. Things have a way of changing when everything feels impossible.
 
M

Megan5

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Joined
Feb 8, 2021
Messages
46
Location
Toronto, Ontario Canada
Trust your judgement about the people you're with. You can choose better people, ones who contribute to a sharing relationship. Those who listen and care. You're right, there are many people who are self absorbed. Be picky and selective, you deserve a mutually satisfying relationship and they are out there, worth finding! Who wants to just listen all the time, thats no fun! They will suck you dry and leave you feeling empty. To me its better to be alone than put myself through that. Some people are takers and don't know how to listen. Often the "boring" nice person is the one who will surprise you because they really listen. Are you attracted to someone that seems more of a challenge? Or can you appreciate a "safer" "nicer" person thats right for you? Sometimes I think there is something wrong with someone if they like me and are too nice. Be really kind to yourself at this time, and ask for help, there are lots of people that love to help other people and you deserve the support.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
218
Location
UK
Read ur text. Sorry for the bad experience with thay guy. And so bad to hear u doing so bad. Dont know what to say, just think how bad u r feeling to want to end all. Hope u can feel better somehow.
Thank you. I've read your message and promise to reply. And thank you for your words here.
It's not a bad experience with the guy at all. He's a genuinely nice person and in hindsight, I think my expectations of friendships and relationships is the real problem. I also think I may construct the way other's treat me- I put out the 'Therapist'. Encourage it. I have the conflict of wanting to be there for people and not asking them to be there for me. But when they don't pick up that I need someone off their own accord, I become upset and angry. Hence, the problem is me. Not them.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
218
Location
UK
Hi Summerof,
just want to share that I am hoping you can find support and care. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. Several years ago, I felt like I could never get help even though I was there for others. There was no one for me. I had my dogs. You have your cats. Right around the time when I thought I couldn't continue, things started changing. I was going to ask you about your cats names and share the names of my dogs, but then I am afraid of someone realizing who I am. My dogs from then have passed away, but they were my little protectors. I have a sweet little dog now too. I had a sweet cat too. Dogs and cats are like little angels. I am sorry to hear about your son not speaking to you. That has to be very hard. Please stay safe. Things have a way of changing when everything feels impossible.
Thank you. I'm glad you're in a better place now and I agree- animals make life so much better. I've always connected better with animals and children than I have adults, so have been pretty much surrounded by them most of my life- dogs and cats usually, but also had a hoard of rodents at one point and a snake. I won't share the names of my clowder here, but will in PM if you are okay with that?

The hardest thing is my son not speaking to me. I've never experienced pain like this ever. I had a big breakdown when he was 3 years old and it was when I was coming out of that that I vowed I would not let my M.H issues touch him and I think I did bloody well over the years. So many challenges as a parent that push you out of your comfort zone and no matter how you feel or what drama is going on in your head, you have to keep it straight for them.
Now he's not here, I feel as if all reason to 'stay straight' is gone.

He was also my 'Reality Monitor'. So, if I was experiencing something I wasn't sure of (like noises), he'd give me a reality check. Validate or tell me it was in my head. Same with social communication. Sometimes I'd take something someone had said the wrong way and he'd have to explain it to me. I'm a bit fucked on that score now! No one to say 'Did she mean...' to and get another perspective.

Anyway, thank you for caring. I hope you and your fur-baby have a beautiful day.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
218
Location
UK
Trust your judgement about the people you're with. You can choose better people, ones who contribute to a sharing relationship. Those who listen and care. You're right, there are many people who are self absorbed. Be picky and selective, you deserve a mutually satisfying relationship and they are out there, worth finding! Who wants to just listen all the time, thats no fun! They will suck you dry and leave you feeling empty. To me its better to be alone than put myself through that. Some people are takers and don't know how to listen. Often the "boring" nice person is the one who will surprise you because they really listen. Are you attracted to someone that seems more of a challenge? Or can you appreciate a "safer" "nicer" person thats right for you? Sometimes I think there is something wrong with someone if they like me and are too nice. Be really kind to yourself at this time, and ask for help, there are lots of people that love to help other people and you deserve the support.

Thank you for your lovely reply, Megan.
In hindsight, I think I've been harsh in my O.P- feeling sorry for myself- and I do feel a little embarrassed by it. Self-pity is a useless emotion (akin to jealousy) and does nothing but give a wet face and red eyes.

I enjoy being there for other people- it gives me a sense of worth and if I can help someone to avoid feeling like I do, then it's worth everything I can give. But sometimes, I lose myself in the process. And that's not on them- it's on me. I can stop at any time- switch off- but I chose not to, so I have to take responsibility.

My problem is that I'm stuck in a rut and instead of pulling myself out, I'm mentally avoiding the changes I have to make to get out. They appear too challenging and I doubt my strength to see them through. Thus, this leaves me frustrated at myself and I displace my anger and direct it towards others- just as I did in my original post.
The problem is not the kind of people they are- they are simply doing what they should be doing- reaching out to someone they trust in a time of need and I should be grateful for being that person.

To answer your questions...in a way, I can't! Lol I've been single a very long time and I don't actually become attracted to many people. Socially, it takes me a lot to even like someone and want to spend time with them. I tolerate most people- really, just tolerate.

I used to fall in to the vulnerable type of Avoidant P.D, when I was younger, as I had poor communication skills. I would do anything someone told me to do and could take things literally, so of course I was usually the butt of someone's joke or a nasty person's entertainment. Now-a-days, not at all- very much the opposite!
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
941
Location
Argentina
I have the conflict of wanting to be there for people and not asking them to be there for me. But when they don't pick up that I need someone off their own accord, I become upset and angry. Hence, the problem is me. Not them.
Ive have that problem too. I know how it is.

Time ago I started to chat with a woman who said was extremely depressive and with suicidal thoughts because she thought that her behavior caused autism on his child.

I like to help other people with this kind of problems, and also was to me a way to have someone to talk. Ater long chats I convinced her that she didnt harmed his child and she told me she started to feeling well, she thanks to me, saying I saved her life and marriaged.

And then when I was feeling low I messaged her again asking her how she was doing she told me everything is good now, but then she didnt seemed interedted to talk about other things, then she didnt replied my messages, me looking to just some chit chat, but now she feels fine and its not interested in chat.

Dont blame her at all, I was who wanted to get involve and help her with her problems, she never said she wanted to make friends online.
 
Summerof76

Summerof76

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Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
218
Location
UK
Ive have that problem too. I know how it is.

Time ago I started to chat with a woman who said was extremely depressive and with suicidal thoughts because she thought that her behavior caused autism on his child.

I like to help other people with this kind of problems, and also was to me a way to have someone to talk. Ater long chats I convinced her that she didnt harmed his child and she told me she started to feeling well, she thanks to me, saying I saved her life and marriaged.

And then when I was feeling low I messaged her again asking her how she was doing she told me everything is good now, but then she didnt seemed interedted to talk about other things, then she didnt replied my messages, me looking to just some chit chat, but now she feels fine and its not interested in chat.

Dont blame her at all, I was who wanted to get involve and help her with her problems, she never said she wanted to make friends online.
That's the negative of online friends- they can be fickle. And for people that get easily attached, a bit of a head fuck! Lol
I remember back in the day of AOL message forums, I had a couple of pals that I spoke to regularly. Long nights, chatting shit or reading each other's problems. I must admit, I was probably one of them at that point that offloaded and then disappeared. They were a great source of comfort when there was no one else to listen, so I don't think I'd judge too much if my pal phased out. I don't want him to, but real life goes on and I'd respect that.

For me though, I'm older now and don't connect with many people. If I keep connecting with someone, I'm emotionally invested and won't disappear. Far too many people have done that to me.
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
941
Location
Argentina
That's the negative of online friends- they can be fickle. And for people that get easily attached, a bit of a head fuck! Lol
I remember back in the day of AOL message forums, I had a couple of pals that I spoke to regularly. Long nights, chatting shit or reading each other's problems. I must admit, I was probably one of them at that point that offloaded and then disappeared. They were a great source of comfort when there was no one else to listen, so I don't think I'd judge too much if my pal phased out. I don't want him to, but real life goes on and I'd respect that.

For me though, I'm older now and don't connect with many people. If I keep connecting with someone, I'm emotionally invested and won't disappear. Far too many people have done that to me.
Kinda feel the same sometimes in the forum. Someone makes a topic, and I push my self to make a good answer, I take time to choose my words, and think how the other person would read my message, I try to deliver a good answer for their help, and then... the person dessapears from the topic, doesnt reply again, they leave a message and then... nothing. Feels kinda useless to reply. Some would say its understandable because from the start they are people with problems. Anyway, at least kinda gives me a passtime.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
490
Location
California
Thank you. I'm glad you're in a better place now and I agree- animals make life so much better. I've always connected better with animals and children than I have adults, so have been pretty much surrounded by them most of my life- dogs and cats usually, but also had a hoard of rodents at one point and a snake. I won't share the names of my clowder here, but will in PM if you are okay with that?

The hardest thing is my son not speaking to me. I've never experienced pain like this ever. I had a big breakdown when he was 3 years old and it was when I was coming out of that that I vowed I would not let my M.H issues touch him and I think I did bloody well over the years. So many challenges as a parent that push you out of your comfort zone and no matter how you feel or what drama is going on in your head, you have to keep it straight for them.
Now he's not here, I feel as if all reason to 'stay straight' is gone.

He was also my 'Reality Monitor'. So, if I was experiencing something I wasn't sure of (like noises), he'd give me a reality check. Validate or tell me it was in my head. Same with social communication. Sometimes I'd take something someone had said the wrong way and he'd have to explain it to me. I'm a bit fucked on that score now! No one to say 'Did she mean...' to and get another perspective.

Anyway, thank you for caring. I hope you and your fur-baby have a beautiful day.
Thank you. Yes you can PM me. 🐱🐶 I will share my fur babies' names too.

I am trying to be careful not to affect my son as well. I've made the same vow.
He and my husband help me understand things from a different perspective too.
I also look to my dog for sounds etc. If he is not bothered than I know everything is okay. I hope that you and your fur babies will have a beautiful day too. I am also hoping that in time you and your son will find peace again together.💗
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,196
When we invest in something, and that investment seems to be reciprocated, acknowledged etc. it's easy to build up a expectation, and no doubt that expectation is based on how we would treat others in that same situation. No wonder then why you feel you have had the stuffing kicked out of you. Thing is though, you are still you, nothing has changed. Rather than build the perception of your self-worth around the time, emotions etc. invested in this friendship, think more about the quality input you contributed to this friendship and how that shaped your friend and transformed them. Your honesty, loyalty and insight speak volumes and is the basis of strong mutual connections. Don't let this last set back hold you back from forming new connections etc. Hope this helps :)
 

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