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Just registered, not sure were to post, so here it goes.

I

Irishmask

New member
Joined
Oct 31, 2021
Messages
1
Location
US
Hello everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully, help me with some advice.. Ive had a lot of issue since about 15 years ago, when i was in high school.

First off.. Sorry.. this is really hard to explain.. thanks so much if you read take some time to read my ramblings.

So, ever since my teen years (in my 30s now) I have suffered from serious depression to the point that i just gave up trying to have a normal life. Its effected every aspect of my life. Friends, family, career, My own mood... I cant remember when i last actually enjoyed anything.

In my life, I have screwed up. Alot. Made terrible choices, and ultimately became a person i absolutely loath.

My mistakes and choices put me in a bad depression that just kept getting worse and worse to where i couldn't even properly work or be social with anyone without being miserable. Even focusing on simple tasks can be hard since

i started to always think terrible of myself. how i acted, how i looked, how i sucked at everything, how i shouldn't bother trying cause ill fail, that even if it goes well i wont feel anything anyway. that kinda stuff.. and for a long time, i didnt think that was any big deal. just my inner monologue and thoughts from typical teen hormones. I was sure it was just the emo teen phase..

They never stopped. All those thoughts fill my head and no matter how much i try to not think them, and concentrate on something else, they just over lap it. Like a drill sargent yelling insults at you 24/7

Why cant i control those thoughts? I was trying to ignore them, focus and think of something else, to not let them get to me. Multiple trains of thought going on at once no matter how hard i focused. The are always in the backround. When i try to think positively they just overlap the good thoughts instantly.

There are so many trains of thought going in my head, its ruining my memory. I could be in the middle of a thought sentence and just completely forget what it was i was thinking about before i even finished the thought with all the annoyances..

Ive seen doctors, none have helped. Antidepressant do nothing. My behavioral health doctor started acting like i was making it all up because nothing was working, so im pretty jaded from that.. but things are getting worse and worse so im sure ill need to see a new one soon.

I dont know what to do.. My own mind is so full of unwanted negativity and nothing seems to do anything about it other than drinking or in the past when it got way to bad couldn't take it i took a huge does of cough medicine. Not to get high or hallucinate or anything like when i first tried it. I never hallucinated when i was being a dumb ass and trying to, but instead i noticed that it made me feel more numb and blurry to a point where i was able to not pay attention to the thoughts. (also, its not just hearing thoughts i dont want. Might be related or not, but at least 6 or so times in my life i have heard sudden very loud noises for no reason at all, that clearly no one else heard. But were loud and sudden enough to make me jump out of my skin and get a look of panic)

I know thats terrible to do health wise, but honestly if i didnt on a few occasions im sure i would have done something far worse because of how terribly broken I feel. Suicide have been heavily considered in the past.

I dont want to feel like this... I have nothing, i cant afford theropy or paying medical bills to have myself cheked out.. also im just afraid to since my past bad experiences with them.. Anything anyone can say to try and give some advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for your time. (sorry if shouldnt have put this here. wasnt sure)
 
Avolitionist

Avolitionist

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
1,539
Location
USA
Hello and welcome :)
 
B

Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
Hi Irishmask, welcome to the forum I hope that you find it helpful and supportive here as everyone is caring.
 
L

Littlevoice89

Former member
Joined
Aug 6, 2021
Messages
129
Location
U.K.
Hi @Irishmask
So sorry to read how low you’re feeling, you sound overwhelmed and like you need to give yourself a bit of a break??
I’m having a lot of trouble recently with intrusive thoughts myself and my therapist coaches me to remember that they are just thoughts and only have as much ‘power’ or meaning as you give to them. Not every thought needs an action or to be figured out.
I find some time waking out in nature and sunshine can help a little or listening to music.

I hope you find some peace from it all soon :hug:
 
thousandsunny07

thousandsunny07

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2021
Messages
12
Location
Massachusetts
Hi there! It's awful that you're going through so much- it's so difficult having those constant thoughts that just keep nagging away at you, and no matter what you do, no matter how many therapists and help books you read, it feels so helpless. I've dealt with those nagging negative self thoughts since I was 16, and now I'm 24 and while it's much less, they're still eating away at me. It's hard. It's hard to even compliment myself sometimes.

I want you to know that you're not alone- and I know, you probably hear that very often. However, I want you to try something. As much as you might not want to go out, force yourself out your door. That's one accomplishment. Take some steps forward. That's another accomplishment. Go to an art gallery, a museum, a park, a river or lake, or even just walk around somewhere you really haven't been to. Make sure it's somewhere where you can sit and just observe the things around you. Look at the things around you. The sky, the ground, the walls or trees, the squirrels, the birds, the workers, the people. If you were really alone, none of those would exist. Imagine scenarios- look at the kid playing in the playground. Look at the painting, or look at the clouds. Can you try to imagine the process behind it? Can you try to imagine another person's life- their feelings? Sometimes observing at life- any living thing- or really, any thing that exists, helps. All of these things, are small accomplishments. They may seem trivial, and that's okay. At least you're doing it. Don't force yourself to replace thoughts. Those thoughts will one day diminish, and day by day, all that you have been observing- all those scenarios you make up, all the process of things you start to look at, will take over. Eventually, you'll find yourself walking on solid ground and not in quicksand. You'll realize how far you've walked, and then you'll know what to do. I can't promise it will work right away, but little by little, moment by moment, you'll start to wonder about other things and without realizing it, you won't be thinking much about your mistakes and the fear of repeating them. You can and you will do it. I believe in you. One day, you'll start to believe it too.

in the meantime, i hope to hear more from you. I want to hear your story, and see how it will unravel.
 

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