Just reaching out for support, feel trapped, extreme emotions

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dewey

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Yes so I have been struggling to survive, I only do so really because there's people I don't want to upset, I don't actually care about myself on any level (can't even bring myself to shower, feel disgusted every time I walk past a mirror, I can barely think or concentrate today and as for my sleeping pattern). I am trying so hard to just hold it together.

I recently quit my job (it just wasn't working out for me), and so unemployed which is going to increase even the average person's chance of depression, but for someone like me that it's just going to increase it. I keep telling myself these strong feelings of extreme anger and depression are only temporary, and I need to be strong and get through this, but I'm starting to feel out of control as yesterday for instance I was so euphoric but today it's just a completely different story. It's exhausting.

So what's going on for me, well I'm young, 25, so I still have options to make a better future for myself, but it's hard, hard as hell with these emotions that make me feel like it's all pointless, like I'm worthless and disgusting. I keep trying to reason with myself but the guilt just keeps coming back.

Because I'm poor as hell, at the moment, and living in this city is so ridiculously expensive, I still have to live in the same family home where i developed my mental health disorder, it's like reliving past traumas. To be fair, even if I've moved out, in the past I've felt ridiculously ill so how can I blame this living environment for anything. Sometimes I dream about how if I earnt enough money, i could be living somewhere else, having my own apartment, but in my mind even that vision feels so lonely and empty. I know for instance about my constant pushing people away and insecurities that make it impossible for me to build or sustain any romantic relationship at the moment, and have done for years. All the self sabotage in pushing others away. The emptiness inside that doesn't go away.These are the things that fill my mind, and they don't even seem relevant to todays tasks, so why the hell do I keep having these thoughts?!! Basically I just can't stop myself feeling hopeless for the future, no matter how hard I try to reason with myself.

In this house, it's a very dysfunctional relationship between my parents and my mum suffers from mental illness and alcoholism which probably has a lot to do with my own condition. I hate blaming my parents because ultimately they are the ones who are putting me up, giving me a roof to live in, and trying to be there for me. Maybe living here I relive past traumas, but how can I blame my parents when they are basically the only thing that feel safe and familiar right now in a world when I am so scared to even go outside and be seen, living with anxiety of being around other humans.

I just need to reach out. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. I had so many plans to make this year a better year, to be more constructive, to be determined, but literally nothing feels like it's changing. I'm trying to make small steps each day, take each day as it comes, but I'm so self critical, small steps just don't feel good enough. I don't even know why this is. Sometimes I just wanna reach out because I feel so alone.

I don't even know what the question is or why I'm writing this here, I guess I just feel desperate and if anyone can relate, I guess it's comforting to hear from a fellow human being from behind a computer screen, just feels safer. I feel so isolated and far away from other humans, I don't want to be a burden to those same old people who have to put up with supporting me, but I just constantly need others, I need to feel some kind of love or support, even though I also push it away and isolate myself from it, what the hell!!!
 
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Girl interupted

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I’ve been there in the high highs and the epically bottomless lows. I just wanted to leave you a note to say hang in there. You will get through this. Xo
 
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dewey

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I’ve been there in the high highs and the epically bottomless lows. I just wanted to leave you a note to say hang in there. You will get through this. Xo
Thanks for replying. I'm sorry you've also been through this.
I feel a little better now for writing that huge block of text, helped me made sense of what I was feeling.
It's just the constant low self esteem and guilt always eating away at me, even when I try so so hard to ignore it and get on with life!! Feeling bloody cursed right now.
What specifically helped you? Do you have any tips or anything that has worked or been a godsend...
oX
 
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Girl interupted

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Mindful self compassion was my lightbulb moment. Google it.

And I find writing everything out helps me too.

When you’re in a better place, look seriously at finding your own place, even with a roommate if you can tolerate it. If you can’t move out right now, find some kind of low key activity to do that gets you out for a couple of hours. I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but I found if I forced myself to go, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined in my head once I actually got there.

It’s hard to heal yourself when you continue to live in the place that is causing you the most pain. Believe me, I know.
 
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dewey

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Mindful self compassion was my lightbulb moment. Google it.

And I find writing everything out helps me too.

When you’re in a better place, look seriously at finding your own place, even with a roommate if you can tolerate it. If you can’t move out right now, find some kind of low key activity to do that gets you out for a couple of hours. I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but I found if I forced myself to go, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined in my head once I actually got there.

It’s hard to heal yourself when you continue to live in the place that is causing you the most pain. Believe me, I know.
It's good that helped you, I will do some more research into mindful self compassion. I used to do DBT and my therapist used acceptance and commitment therapy so I guess that may be similar. I have to say the idea of acceptance has stayed with me - even though overall, I found the therapist unbearable and eventually gave up the therapy.

For some reason, usually I put up barriers to anything mindfulness/ meditation, even when I try. In one mindfulness class I did, I found it so difficult to relax, that I just gave up, we did breathing exercises and it just felt like I had zero awareness of my own breathing. It's like my automatic mode, for as long as I can remember, is to be constantly mentally active, so the mindful meditative thing is just really hard for me.

I know some people with bad mental health problems wax lyrical about how much transcendental meditation helped them. I might get to the point where I'm ready to open myself up to that.

I know that when I'm feeling so ill, it's just stupid of me not to exercise. I just need to get those endorphins and improve these stupid mood changes. With going for walks and runs though, I'm sick of the same old streets round here, so I've just stopped doing that. I also am sort of stranded because I live literally in the middle of nowhere so I'd have to travel for ages using public transport (don't have a car) to get a class or gym (and it would have to be women only because of my anxieties which makes it even harder to find a nearby place as there's less opportunities for that). So all in all it feels like such a mission to do such a basic thing like exercise.

Honestly, I wish I felt the same about thinking it's not so bad when I eventually go out. Recently, I'm struggling so much. For example on Sunday I went out to meet some friends and it was good when I was with them, but at the same time, I'm literally filled with paranoia and fear when I'm outside. It majorly sucks.

I know you're right and one day this will change and get better. I have to believe it. I'm just constantly needing the attention of a few select people who I unhealthily cling to emotionally (but I know I need to let them live their lives so I let them have space) but am terrified of people in general. Terrified of the world. Being out there. It all seems to be such a constant battle.
I want to tell myself this anxiety is irrational and just get out there and get on with life like most people do, but based on my experiences the fear seems very real and valid. I just want to keep myself safe from it all and ensure I don't get hurt again.

I wish I could be strong for the ones I love but this is such a weak moment.
 
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Girl interupted

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Meditation and mindfulness is like a muscle. If you haven used it in a long time, or ever in your life, it’s hard o do it. Over time that muscle grows, with daily practice, so that it becomes automatic during sessions. Don’t sweat it if it’s not coming instantly. Just let your mind do whatever it wants. Then consciously start to recognize when it’s wandering. Just taking note of what your mind is doing is a great start. You’ll begin to recognize that it’s wandering more frequently and accurately, then you can start to redirect it to non-anxiety thinking, like something simple — the weight of your body on a chair, the pace of your breathing. When you begin to focus on the simple stuff, the physical stuff, that’s when you can begin clearing your mind of the anxiety.

There’s an app called Headspace you may want to try. You can do it in the privacy of your home, at your own pace.

Mindful self compassion is an extension of meditation. It asks you to be kind to yourself, which is foreign for those of us with bpd. Google Kristen Neff, tons of YouTube videos. Try healing touch, for me the most impactful touch is cradling my face with both my hands ... I think for me it feels like the live I never got from my mom.

Like anything though, it takes time and work. And it may not be the solution for you. But it has helped me immensely.
 
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Girl interupted

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And for the record, I’m sorry if this is coming off as some sublime nonsense. I just know it has helped me immensely, but I am sincerely trying to help. I know where you are right now, I’ve been there, and it sucks.
 
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dewey

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Meditation and mindfulness is like a muscle. If you haven used it in a long time, or ever in your life, it’s hard o do it. Over time that muscle grows, with daily practice, so that it becomes automatic during sessions. Don’t sweat it if it’s not coming instantly. Just let your mind do whatever it wants. Then consciously start to recognize when it’s wandering. Just taking note of what your mind is doing is a great start. You’ll begin to recognize that it’s wandering more frequently and accurately, then you can start to redirect it to non-anxiety thinking, like something simple — the weight of your body on a chair, the pace of your breathing. When you begin to focus on the simple stuff, the physical stuff, that’s when you can begin clearing your mind of the anxiety.

There’s an app called Headspace you may want to try. You can do it in the privacy of your home, at your own pace.

Mindful self compassion is an extension of meditation. It asks you to be kind to yourself, which is foreign for those of us with bpd. Google Kristen Neff, tons of YouTube videos. Try healing touch, for me the most impactful touch is cradling my face with both my hands ... I think for me it feels like the live I never got from my mom.

Like anything though, it takes time and work. And it may not be the solution for you. But it has helped me immensely.
Thank you for those references and the advice. That's really cool you stuck with that and it helped you so much. Your words make sense, and if anything it is good to know there's people out there who have found some way of dealing with their intense feelings.

I do feel a lot more positive because you have taken the time to offer this advice, and you have also been there through the worst of it. It gives me hope, when I'm just trying to focus on making a life worth living.

Thank you!
 
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eli_mom

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Feb 12, 2018
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Hi Dewey,
I’m very sorry if you feel so alone and down.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you felt better after doing this. Based in my experience, writing down my thoughts always helps me to feel a lot better so I want to encourage you to stay in the forum. This forum can be your friends so you will not feel alone and you will feel less lonely.

I hope you will not give up and please stay strong. You are young at the age of 25, hang in there. Try to volunteer so you can connect with others, try to join a support group you can meet in person, and consult with your doctor. Increase your physical activity, go out for a walk especially with sunlight, it will help to uplift your mood.

I hope things will go well with you and you will feel better soon. You are in my prayers, God bless.
 
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D

dewey

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Hi Dewey,
I’m very sorry if you feel so alone and down.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you felt better after doing this. Based in my experience, writing down my thoughts always helps me to feel a lot better so I want to encourage you to stay in the forum. This forum can be your friends so you will not feel alone and you will feel less lonely.

I hope you will not give up and please stay strong. You are young at the age of 25, hang in there. Try to volunteer so you can connect with others, try to join a support group you can meet in person, and consult with your doctor. Increase your physical activity, go out for a walk especially with sunlight, it will help to uplift your mood.

I hope things will go well with you and you will feel better soon. You are in my prayers, God bless.
Hey eli_mum, thank you for writing and thank you for your advice and support.
You are right, it is good to share with others with similar experiences - in the real world out there, MH and BPD are so misunderstood, despite the best efforts of the individual.
I feel strong today despite all the pain inside (which I am probably ignoring). It feels like I am so focused on making tiny steps right now, just doing a few things every day. So I have faith things will improve.
Of course, a tiny thing could stop this hopeful feeling and make me plummet and spiral downwards again, so I just need to be ready for this when it happens. Think of ways to cope. I try to remind myself that the extreme moods will pass...
Thank you XOX
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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This thread helps me a lot, and helps me get a sense as well of how I sound to others, becuase I am constantly writing to my friends and i am usually too caught up in it to think about what it sounds like.

I have tried meditation and therapy but only now with medication do I think these things might actually help me. Before I was too dissociated and out of control of my emotions to do anything. I have better concentration now though, which I can tell by being able to read most of the thread, so I may try these things again.

Social relationships are hard for me, i need and crave them so much but i think it is symptomatic of the disorder. I keep wanting to email old friends but it is hard becuase i don't know how it will come across. I guess I will write my friend from childhood to feel out whether it is safe to write another mutuals friend of ours, who I miss very much but is male unlike me, and with whom sometimes I still have romantic feelings for.

I miss being close to people but in my current state I am just so needy and constantly talk about myself and worry that others do not like me or are tired of me, given how much I write.

It's all I can do to put up with the extreme emotions myself. It is kind of interesting to Chronicle, but like you I have no job, only volunteering, and the emotions can be exhausting and unproductive.
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Hi this is the right place to voice and share your thoughts, I'm enjoying reading them as it's 2:40 am and I can't sleep. X
 
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dewey

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Hi this is the right place to voice and share your thoughts, I'm enjoying reading them as it's 2:40 am and I can't sleep. X
Thanks for that, it feels strange to hear someone say they enjoy reading your thoughts.

This is a great place to post I feel, because I feel like I can't share anything about my experiences or my thoughts with people in real life- I would just get judged for it.
Today is one of those days where I feel so bleak, but coming on here and reading your message somehow picked me up. Thank you. X
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Your welcome and I really meant it x

I'm sorry to here your having a bleak day, here if you want to talk X
 
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dewey

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This thread helps me a lot, and helps me get a sense as well of how I sound to others, becuase I am constantly writing to my friends and i am usually too caught up in it to think about what it sounds like.
Hey there :), What do you mean by that? It helps you get a sense of how you sound to others?


I have tried meditation and therapy but only now with medication do I think these things might actually help me. Before I was too dissociated and out of control of my emotions to do anything. I have better concentration now though, which I can tell by being able to read most of the thread, so I may try these things again.
Both meditation and therapy, I find them really hard. I think it is because we always do what is familiar to us, it's so difficult to break into a new way of thinking.
E.g. with therapy, I find it so hard and have always found it hard to be challenged. Therapy is challenging. No matter the therapist I always find that I end up going through a phase of really disliking the person and disliking the therapist. And of course, it has nothing to do with them. It's because of all my deep engrained thought processes and world view and the feelings at the heart of me are being challenged. That's a huge thing. So I think we all go through a phase of trying to reject the therapy. I am trying to persist with my current therapist, even though going fills me with fear. It feels so strange to have to open up to someone like that, you know. Very exposing and of course, the instinct is to reject her.
Meditation, I also find it difficult. It's not my default mode. When I start to freak out, there's no coming back. So it's more about getting into the habit of switching on a meditation video, turning it from a once a week thing, into a once a day thing. And that takes time.


Social relationships are hard for me, i need and crave them so much but i think it is symptomatic of the disorder. I keep wanting to email old friends but it is hard becuase i don't know how it will come across. I guess I will write my friend from childhood to feel out whether it is safe to write another mutuals friend of ours, who I miss very much but is male unlike me, and with whom sometimes I still have romantic feelings for.
Yeah, definitely. There's this thing I get of craving people but also not being able to deal with them. At the same time, I think it's not black and white, it's not like just because you have this so called disorder that you are bad with people really. It's often just the negative messages in our minds that sabotage us, you know. I like to think I have certain skills with people even though at the same time they completely freak me out and I just want to be alone at other times. I don't know if you get that. It's like a wanting, but also pushing away at the same time. And a lot of overthinking. It seems like you too are overthinking - about re connecting with people from the past. If you want to do it, you should go for it. That's what most people would do. At the same time, do you think you yearn for the past in some way? For the feelings those people gave you, which you want to somehow bring into your present, and it's more to do with that? I don't know. In any case I think it is always healthy to try to bring new people into your life, even though it can cause what feels like absolute trepidation. It's good to reach out because at the end of the day, though people can harm us, they can also bring us laughs and smiles.

I'm sorry if my writing has sounded in any way patronising here. I relate to many of the struggles you have listed and just try to offer my ten cents. Wishing you strength. X
 
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