Just out of hospital and not strong enough for this..

fightoffyour

fightoffyour

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2015
Messages
6
#1
Hey there.

I realise this is probably not an ideal post and I should be battling this in my own, but I am recently out of hospital due to throat issues, am very (legally!) drugged up and don’t seem to have the strength to fight this.

For some context - I'm male and a sufferer of chronic OCD and BPD and have been all of my life. I am in a committed long term relationship with my girlfriend who I love and adore and I have MASSIVE historic issues with guilt.

I feel the urge to confess to my s/o - which I don't want to do in this situation.

Whether that’s because she’s taking care of me or not, I don’t know. Maybe that is increasing the guilt.

I'm hoping that my sharing my thoughts here, it will help me and any advice that can be given about if I have fundamentally done something wrong, would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry this may be long - I’m not in a great way and I appreciate your patience.

The guilt I am currently experiencing relates to something which happened last week (and although I felt initial pangs of guilt at the time, it went away, until getting ill. The fact it went away and has come back leads me to think it's the OCD but I can't be sure).

So, I sing in a band and last year I bumped into another local band, which contains 2 guys and a girl. They are a bit younger than we are (maybe early 20’s) and the two guys said that the girl loved us and always listened to us. She wasn’t there at the time. This was great to hear because I never think anyone does! It was great to hear they all liked us!

She is quite an attractive skater chick, but I’ve never spoken to her and would have no reason to. I’m not a sleaze or a creep.

However, one thing I have noticed about myself is that I do get a ‘buzz’ when attractive females pay me some attention/like a social media status of mine/like my band. It’s probably a flattery thing and also a throwback to not really having any sort of attention when I was younger (typical I know).

Since they told me they and she liked my band, I fixated on it a little bit. There’s a mutual respect and love between local bands for sure here - but sometimes there is back stabbing and competition - so if you find a group who are decent and kind, you stick with them.

Up until I knew she liked us, I paid no attention. We’re not a big band by any means - but we do have fans across the world scattered about and we always have a good relationship with them.

Since finding out, I followed her on Instagram so she’d follow us back. I do this with other people who like us too. Male and female. I have also liked one status of her’s.

I’ve never sent any messages or flirted or ANYTHING to her. But I was flattered that a cool person liked us and that her being seen to like our posts was ‘cool’. Pretty pathetic I know.

The other day I wanted to send them all a message saying how much I enjoyed their new song, but I think part of me wanted to impress her by her reading it (it’s worth noting I do this to other bands who don’t have females either) so I sent it to a group chat with all 3 members so they would all see it.

Totally harmless and polite message. I ummed and arred about including her, but did anyway, hopefully in retrospect to try and beat my OCD worries. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but now I am unwell I am.

Now I am wracked with guilt. Why did I do it? Why does a small part of me crave and seek validation from anyone who I think is cooler than me, made worse when they are attractive?

As a person, I’m faithful to my girlfriend, I have never cheated, never flirt or act inappropriately in person to anyone.

But in my head I have now concocted this weird little thing that makes me feel there is some little sordid affair I’m hiding, despite the fact that she, my girlfriend anyone else reading or monitoring it would think anything weird has happened from the outside looking in.

It’s the REASONING behind it that bothers me. I feel like this seedy monster who’s relationship is tainted and fake now and any love my girlfriend gives me isn’t deserved as she doesn’t know who I really am.

She has joked before about me talking to other girls from bands, but in a harmless way. She also knows I get obsessed with famous men from bands too (I try to reach out and get acceptance from them).

Am I just blowing this out of proportion? Am I fixating on something that’s harmless and most people would just do and not think about? Is my over analyse creating this into a bigger issue than it actually is?

People hold doors open for people all of the time, people smile at attractive people or go out of their way to do something nice for them (even if they are in a relationship and even though they should be doing it to anyone, regardless of attractiveness).

I have since unfollowed her on social media. It all stemmed from when I was told she liked our music. I’d never given her a second thought before then. I have no interest in perusing or even talking directly to her. Don’t know her, she’s just someone in a cool band who’s kinda hot who I was flattered liked us.

But I shouldn’t be thinking these things. I shouldn’t be acting in a harmless way with seedy reasonings.

I’m going out of my mind here and I know this is incredibly annoying to read. But any support would be so helpful.

Thank you (and sorry).

FoYD x
 
M

Misssy2

Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2016
Messages
14
#2
I think you feel guilty because there is an attraction

You are human..you are going to have attractions to other human beings.
With OCD you may have more of an obsession with this girl because she has showed you attention.

No need to confess any of this to your girlfriend...But it is a good time to look introspectively at your current relationship.

Im not saying you want to be with this 20 something girl...but I am saying that maybe you don't want to lifelong be in the current relationship you are in.

I say that from my own experience of many years...being "in love" with one of my partners...nothing could turn my head from that person...nothing would make me want to do anything sneaky or disrespectful to him...UNTIL he let me down in some way...

After about 5 years into that relationship I started noticing other men....I started liking the attention I was receiving as little as it may have been it was a red flag to me that maybe i wasn't feeling as "in love" with my partner...its a scary feeling...

Its very hard to be honest with yourself and others when a relationship has reached a peak..and then you realize the peak may be as high as it will get.

Unless and Until you meet "the one" that makes you not become obsessed with little attention from others....you will find you will bump into this situation of feeling drawn to others from time to time.

I'm not saying break up with the current girlfriend..I am saying start looking at what your true feelings are about your current relationship.

If you are staying for guilt..because she does so much for you?
Or if you are staying for fear that someone may not love you as much as she does or accept your shortcomings?

if you are staying for those reasons...than it is not fair to HER or you....because to me that just means your current relationship is not the end all relationship for you...which means at some point you would have to work thru this with HER and set you both free.
 
fightoffyour

fightoffyour

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2015
Messages
6
#3
Thank you for the reply. I do love my girlfriend and have no reason or obligation to stay with her, other than I want to. I completely see where you’re coming from with this though and I think that over the last few months, our sex life has decreased somewhat due to circumstances outside of my control - from her side of things - which may be why these thoughts and worries are intensifying.

I suppose the main thing I’m battling with is whether to feel guilty or not (because I always do) and whether I have done something morally wrong. It didn’t seem to be an issue a few days ago, before I became ill, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse.
 
M

Misssy2

Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2016
Messages
14
#4
No boundaries were crossed?

If you have done nothing "wrong" according to the boundaries of your relationship...than you have done nothing wrong.

Only people that do things wrong should feel "guilty" so it may be just ALL of your mental health condition.