• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Just need to vent. I don't really have many people to lean on when things get hard. Not that I trust with this anyway.

T

TaylorAmsterdam749

New member
Joined
Jul 26, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Denver, Colorado
I feel utterly insane. My charachter and reputation are being damaged. But deep down nothing will ever change.
Not without great effort, and frankly I'm a lazy fuck. Everything hurts. Nothing feels normal. Every morning is a struggle to not go back to bed.
I know I'm sick... Talking about my symptoms feels like fishing for attention.
I don't want my symptoms to define me, but it seems my efforts to surpress them have only allowed them to prevail. The weight is incredible.
It feels like I'm always carrying a little ball of darkness. The darker it is, the heavier it feels. Some days it's hardly there and everything feels normal. Other times it consumes my entire being. My limbs begin to feel heavy and unresponsive, my thoughts cease.
I can float for days in a "gray haze", barely capable of showering or brushing my teeth. These periods often leave me drained for weeks afterwards, even after my energy starts improving.
I have a history of drug abuse. Mostly prescriptions, psychedelics, and weed. Occassionally I'll drink heavily for several days straight, but I can usually sober up for weeks at a time.
I also smoke cigarettes, which is fucking stupid, but sometimes they're the only thing that keeps me grounded. I'm 18 now. I started smoking weed at 15. Cigarettes at 16. Acid at 17. Prescriptions at 18.
Every year the drugs get harder, the highs get higher, and so do the stakes.
I feel like I was fucked from birth. I was born to a single methhead mother, given up to my great-grandparents (grandparents parents), and their whacked out ex-methhead daughter (my grandmother).
So on top of all that trauma, I lived in a wildly unstable household with three agressive personalities always fighting.It was always my job to mediate and balance out their arguments, often working as a "therapist" for them afterwards.
The scars from those days still ache, and the ones I gave myself still gain unwanted stares and flash judgments. Everything hurts now. I'm tired. I want to continue, but even getting better doesn't seem worth the effort.
Some people may call my death cowardly and selfish, maybe it is. But if you could feel the gut-wrenching pain in my heart, you'd be wishing for the same fucking thing.
Everyday is a struggle, and because of my circumstances treatment feels out of reach. Every social worker I've had has mismanaged my case, and my faith in psychiatry is low anyway.
There are people that love me, I know that. But those are same people that watched me self harm, and nearly die of an overdose.
I just can't fucking do this anymore. I just fucking can't.

Tonight's not the night, but the scariest thing to me, is that I'm unsure whether or not that's true.
 
T

TaylorAmsterdam749

New member
Joined
Jul 26, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Denver, Colorado
Also apologies for the graphic language. Didn't see the rule about specifics until after I posted. Not going to edit now, but consider this a trigger warning.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,276
If you're feeling suicidal you should be speaking to your Doctor etc. You seem angry at your situation and how you have let yourself go to this point. Use that anger and determination to bring about positive changes in your life. Seek the help of Professionals, that is what they are there for :)
 
CatLord

CatLord

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
67
Location
Europe
I think talking about your symptoms feels always weird. I don't want to talk about them because of the same reason. Maybe others will see me differently afterwards ?
People who care about you know about your problems. And they didn't just...run away ? Then I believe you have some real close people around you. Try talking to them as well (as you did I suppose), because they know you better than we do.
I feel like life is weird because you can always change it. You are 18. There is just enough time to change everything
 
Top