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Just need someone to talk to

H

happyhappy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
820
Location
uk
It has been an odd day. My emotions are flying all over the place. My mixed states/rapid cycling seem to have settled into low mood.

Today I decided was confession time. I confessed to my doc that I have lied to him extensively over the years. I have lied about symptoms, about events in my life, I have lied about meds I am taking (he knew the last one already) and I told him I did it because I am afraid of being abandoned. I expected him to at the least lecture me soundly on how I am wasting his time and others....at worst I expected him to say I needed to see another docotr. I couldn't bear the latter but I couldn't bear the lying anymore. Everything had gotten so grey and muddy for me and I needed to tell the truth.

He sat and looked at me and said "I know and it is ok" you could have blown me over. We spoke a good bit more but the gist of it was, he knows, he sees it as part of the difficulties I have and he only worries about the effect on me. He re iterated (as he has said so many times before) that I do not have a personality disorder and my confession changes nothing with regard to my BP diagnoses.

Why is it when someone is so nice about something you feel so bad about that you end up feeling like shit? I just want to sob my heart out and tell someone about my day but I can't.....not in real life anyway. There is no one to go to.

He then told me he is never ever giving me diazepam again. This is because I OD'd on a combination of 3 different benzos and Quetiapine a couple of weeks ago. I can't bear the thought of never getting them again. I do have a few in the house but I need to get him to trust me again so that he will give me more when they run out.

I have been such an arse. I don't deserve to be treated with such kindness. I am so lucky to have to psych that I do.

HH
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,626
Happy

I am sorry its been such a bad day for you, I think you shouldn;t look upon yourself so down. The doctor is still going to support you but I can understand them not wanting to give you anymore benzo's. I am glad the doc is going to still be there for you, I know what it feels like when you think you are going to be abandoned, its an awful feeling. Just try to keep yourself well today and give yourself something positive to think about.

(((hugs)))
KS
 
H

happyhappy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
820
Location
uk
Thanks Keeps,

I understand him not wanting to give me benzos too. He doesn't just have my life to think about, he has to think of his job too.

I think I just feel kinda exposed. Bare. That is what I wanted but I wasn't prepared for the feeling it would bring.

Suppose I just have to get on with getting over it.

HH
 
Fluffymum

Fluffymum

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Joined
Nov 16, 2010
Messages
1,113
Location
Essex
It's a horrible feeling, I can feel exactly what you are talking about, you will start to recover fromthis feeling though and once the initial first emotions of opening up settle down you will feel so much better and everything will be that much more clear, it's got to be a good sign that you have opened up too.
It will get better hun and well done for coming clean so to speak lol xx
 
H

happyhappy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
820
Location
uk
Thanks fluffymum,

I suppose I will start to feel better. Maybre I hoped that once I had come clean then the weight would have been lifted thus I would start to feel better. Maybe I even wanted him to be angry as it was what I felt I deserved. I just didn't realise that I would feel so vulnerable. I can't work out why I feel vulnerable as he has been extra reassuring. I keep on thinking how lucky I am to have him as a doc but it just makes me feel more cack.

The diazepam is a big issue too. I couldn't expect him to say anything but no. He would be irresponsible to say anything else. It is just so complete though, not just no, but never. The weird thing is I hardly ever use them and I have some there that will last me ages. I just needed to know they were there for if I needed them in the future. The thought of being in a situation in the future where I need them, or could really benefit from taking one, is unbearable. I know it is all my own fault and I am grateful he is looking out for me but I just want them.

Crikes I am mixed up eh?

HH
 
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