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Just need advice really

Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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Aug 18, 2013
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OK so basically my partner of four years has told me I’m too fat to fuck. This is an enormous issue for me – perhaps the only enormous issue in my entire life. OK I get it – men can’t perform sexually unless their partner arouses them – and apparently I don’t. Let me make it clear here – I’m not that fat. I am not ‘clinically obese’. It’s just that I’m 63 and therefore an old woman. I’m a size 16 when I should probably be a size 14. I don’t recall ever being a true size 12, not even when I was 30 and doing aerobics for 3 hours a day – but I’m not firm and taut and pert anymore.

So I’m trying to make an effort – I’m trying to eat as little as possible – but he still wants me to cook him the roast dinners and the fat-laden double-cream enhanced pasta dishes that he loves and which I can’t eat.

I’m thoroughly pissed off. I’m thinking of leaving him.
 
R

Rose19602

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Swine!

Did he use those words?
At 63 it's hard to imagine that many people apart from those who are surgically enhanced look like sex gods and goddesses or even have remotely taut bodies. You only have to look around the pool on holiday to realise that....!

Most of the women in the UK are size 14-16....that makes you pretty average doesn't it? I'm 50 and I haven't been firm, taut or pert for years....nor has my husband!

Anyway with those meal plans how is his body? I should ask him whether he's having problems with his erections due to his own issues with aging. Cheeky bastard. How do you rate his chances at finding a younger, firmer model?

Either fight fire with fire or rise above it. Perhaps you should look for a toy boy who isn't so fussy for your sexual arousal?

Sex over a certain age has to about more than how you look....otherwise he might as well give it up altogether!
He needs a better imagination. I shut my eyes and think of Phil Spencer....this helps distract me when I feel his bald head!
x
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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He's got Asperger's Miss Kitty. It's a condition that apparently makes people very selfish as well as incapable of lying and understanding other people. It's hard to live with. He's a good-looking bloke and he has already told me I'm easily replaceable, which I'm sure I am.
 
N

notrealname

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he has already told me I'm easily replaceable
Sounds like he'd be exceptionally easy to replace....for a much better model....if you're already thinking of getting rid then I couldn't support you more in that decision. Don't wait around to be rejected by someone who doesn't respect you. Reject them because you are worth more.

That part is not aspergers by the way, that part is narcissism (or avoidant attachment, possibly). Aspergers is not understanding politeness or how things will hurt others' feelings (a difficulty empathising), but this only means they say what they actually think, not that they think bad things of others. There are plenty of extremely pleasant people with ASD who are just a little socially inappropriate (don't know when it's more pleasant to lie).
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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East of England
Sounds like he'd be exceptionally easy to replace....for a much better model
I very much doubt it - not at my age! If I leave him I think I would just have to resign myself to being single for the rest of my life.

Aspergers is not understanding politeness or how things will hurt others' feelings (a difficulty empathising), but this only means they say what they actually think, not that they think bad things of others.
Yes I agree, but what he is saying he would not see as a 'bad thing'. He is simply being honest. Heterosexual men value what their sexual partners look like more than anything else - plenty of scientific research proves this - it's a biological fact of life. His view of a partner is all about functionality ie. what that partner can do for him. He doesn't have any 'deep feelings' for anyone. The only other thing he depends on a partner for is cooking his food. He has a high sex drive for his age (he is 65) and if I leave I know he will be registering with dating sites again the very next day.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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i said to one women i wouldn't mind fucking s even though she's fat, the women said how condescending of you she said don't ask a man what he's thinking as you won't like the reply
 
R

Rose19602

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He's got Asperger's Miss Kitty. It's a condition that apparently makes people very selfish as well as incapable of lying and understanding other people. It's hard to live with. He's a good-looking bloke and he has already told me I'm easily replaceable, which I'm sure I am.
Ah....the "truth" gene that never gets tempered with tact! That doesn't exactly make his words any easier to digest I know.....but at least you know why he was so hurtful.

You're going to need a thick skin to cope with those characteristics.

I imagine it depends on what you can tolerate and whether you can forgive him and get over this particular slight?

I'm sure you also know that whilst he may attract another woman with his looks, understanding him and supporting him is another thing altogether! That takes a special kind of person and perhaps that needs to be pointed out to him. I doubt you are that easily replaceable.....he needs to think a little deeper.

I know how that kind of hurt feels though. One of my sons is similar....but not diagnosed....and he speaks the truth with no tact. It cuts me to the quick and I hate him for it sometimes....but a mother/son relationship is different of course.

I should let the "sting" die down and see how the land lies. It depends how important the sex is to you I imagine....and whether his natural sex drive will overcome his current view.

Would underwear and lighting in the run up and even during sex make a difference? You don't have to bear all and most of us benefit from a bit of upholstery and subtle lighting to show ourselves off in a more alluring way. Would he be willing to experiment with this?

x
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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Messages
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Location
East of England
I'm sure you also know that whilst he may attract another woman with his looks, understanding him and supporting him is another thing altogether! That takes a special kind of person and perhaps that needs to be pointed out to him. I doubt you are that easily replaceable.....he needs to think a little deeper.
Oh, you can say that again Miss Kitty! As well as being diagnosed with Asperger's he has also been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (it's not the same as OCD but has similarities) and chronic depression and anxiety for which he has been taking sertraline for almost 30 years. He can only sleep during the daytime and sleeps for at least 12 hours every day. He is virtually agoraphobic and has absolutely no relatives or friends. He has phobias about answering the telephone, answering the door and opening letters so I have to do everything for him. He is also a hoarder - the living-room, hall and two of the bedrooms are choc-a-bloc from floor to ceiling with all kinds of stuff that will never get used. He has five vehicles (three cars and two motor-bikes) but only one of them ever gets used. He comforts himself with obsessively researching possible purchases for up to 12 hours a day. At the moment he is researching LED bulbs and has been compiling a database about them for the last five weeks. I can't imagine many women voluntarily putting up with those conditions without wanting him to change - but of course he can't!

He was upfront about having MH issues when I first met him and that didn't put me off because I'm quite eccentric myself and also very tolerant. I found him very charming and kind and interesting and yes, I fell in love with him, but you really don't know someone that well until you've lived with them for a few years IMHO!

As for the dressing-up bit, oh he's forever trying to get me into a basque, suspenders and stockings. I would normally be up for that (got the gear) but how can I pretend to be sexy now that he's told me I'm fat and therefore undesirable? I would find it humiliating. And yes there's that part of me that feels angry about why it's all about me meeting his needs, rather than the other way around.

It doesn't help that I've got nowhere else to go. My son and his partner live in my own house and I was very unhappy when I was living there and sharing it with them. I get on with my son fine but his partner used to bully me.

I know I've got to be a bit more assertive about my own needs - as Nikita says - but I'm afraid that will lead to him rejecting me outright and an end to the relationship and I suppose there's still a part of me that wants to fight and try to keep it going because I do love him. I'm just so fed up with constantly being on the verge of tears. It helps to be able to talk on here though.
 
R

Rose19602

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I'm so sorry J that you feel so upset all the time.

I had a relationship like that once and didn't realise how bad for me it was until I finally left. I sunk afterwards, because I loved him too, but looking back I don't think I did the right thing living for so long in an environment where I cried so often and felt so unhappy. It took some getting over when I left I can tell you, so I understand your reluctance to leave. It's a huge wrench if you're settled....but unhappiness shouldn't be such a big part of the picture should it?

It took me years to acknowledge that. I hardly ever cry in my relationship with my husband now. That's important really isn't it? Your happiness matters and settling for unhappiness and misery isn't acceptable.

As for your son.....don't know the circumstances, but he's young and could look elsewhere perhaps? It's not fair that his girlfriend is the reason preventing you from living there again is it, let alone her bullying you in a house that you have generously lent to them both? Not on at all really......think about the injustices in that one.

Re: the underwear thing - I didn't mean donning the full regalia and doing the man pleasing bit! I meant wearing something that you feel good in....be that silky, glamorous fabric or something that doesn't have to come off completely and which keeps things in place!!! I know what you mean though about getting over the comments that he has made....it sort of sticks in your mind doesn't it?

In terms of his difficulties, he doesn't sound like an easy man to live with at all. I can't help but think that you deserve better J.....He might get rid of you if you complain, but new takers will not come flocking !! Is it fair on you that he critiques you constantly because he wants...but can't get .... what he thinks he deserves. That's cruel.

I know you love him, but at 63 and with your own home, surely there is another way to love this man, but not live with him full time and have to deal with all of this. A little break, moving out to your own home, might be helpful to clarify things and you could use it as an opportunity to establish some boundaries with your son.

I'm quite a simple thinker and I don't think that being unhappy all the time is part of love, unless the problems are recognised and worked on....together. Compromise and forgiveness/acceptance are the important words when the situation isn't ever going to be perfect perhaps....but without those things, to me, it's a no-brainer!

xxx
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Omg size 16 really isn't that big!! If yure comfortable in your skin then its his problem not yours!!
If he expects you to diet the least he could do is support you.
Im trying to loose weight but if my bf didn't want the same as me I'd show him the kitchen and tell him to use it himself.
 
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