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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Just need a bit of help?

  • Thread starter Guidancefromtheangels
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G

Guidancefromtheangels

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Joined
Feb 11, 2021
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12
Location
Kent
Good evening all!
Nice late one as I can't sleep again!
So in a nutshell my life has never been a bed of roses.. done it all got all the t shirts, but I'm not coping too well anymore, I think I've had one final blow that's tipped my "point"
So to name but a few things that have occurred in my life
* birth father abandonment (didn't know until I was 10)
* kidnap
* mental and physical abuse from step father and 1st partner
* recurrent miscarriages
All in the past- the list is longer but neither you or I have the time!
Until recently - in the past 12 months discovering my husband is an addict, having an affair that lasted a year and making me feel like a paranoid fisher wife while he lied to my face about it to then 3 months later losing a close relative to covid.. im a broken mess.. can anyone relate to anything I've been through and how on earth sense was made of any of it? How to get through and how to smile again!?
Thank you in advance... sorry for the long message.. I'm relatively new to this and really didn't know where to turn.
G x
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
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Canada
By "broken mess" do you mean depressed, anxious, or something else?
 
soul searching

soul searching

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Clearwater, Florida
Hi and welcome Guidancefromtheangels! My first thought would be to go to therapy. You've been through so much. Are you still with your husband? Should probably try to get out of there or get him out! You don't need that kind of pain in your life. Try to meet some nice people, maybe at a local church. You could use some good people in your life. Also, try to take care of yourself. I have a list of stuff that could sound stupid, but you might be surprised at how much they can help: eating right-fruits, vegetables. exercise, maybe a walk in a nice park, listening to your favorite music, meditation-deep breathing and muscle relaxation, prayer. Anyway you deserve some good things to come your way. Self-talk therapy might help-I'm going to be ok, I can get through this, I deserve better, stuff like that and staying positive can be a tremendous help also. Sending you lots of hugs! :grouphug:
 
M

Megan5

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Feb 8, 2021
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Toronto, Ontario Canada
You’ve been through a lot, so much stress and loss. Be really good to yourself, take one day at a time and reach out to the right people for support ,those you trust. My husband did the same cheated on me, I was devastated. Awful that you’re going through this! This is a crisis and you will get through; seems like it is forever but this is temporary a process. Don’t be alone with these feelings
 
T

ThinkingOfAUserName

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Feb 3, 2021
Messages
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Mexico
Hi:

I second the wonderful advice that is given to you. It takes time, and baby steps but things will get easier.

I was recently cheated on and then blamed for all the mess, a lot of gaslighting involved and it has been a combination of therapy, reaching out to good friends, including ones you may have lost touch with (I realised I kept a lot of people at bay with this relationship), meditating, forbidding thoughts aimed at punishing myself, you know, things like he cheated on me because I am not good enough turned into he cheated on me because he is a f****** cheater. Never ever justify someone else for their actions, this is your time to recieve some love from yourself, you need it and you deserve it.

Find things that make you happy that you may have stopped doing, dancing, reading, painting, gardening, anything that lets you get in a state of quiet mind and doing something you enjoy. Talk if you need to, pray, sing, anything that breaks the negative loop in your head. Read articles about people with adictions, some things might start to make sense when you understand the patterns of behaviour, and may help you make peace with the fact that this is not your doing and you could not have stopped this if you had known before.

And I strongly suggest the therapy. By the list you have shared with us, it seems like those experiences have not healed. Again, it takes a lot of time, there is no fast and easy way to get over someone or the things that you have experienced, but it does get better, especially once you finally figure out how much you are worth and how small some people really are.
 
E

EclipticNight

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Oct 27, 2020
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Orleans vermont.
How awful you've gone through so many horrid things. Since i cant imagine how a miscarriage feels being male ill stick to just answering the question.

The thing in common with all the pain is another person. In order to smile you need to find something that makes you happy. You alone. Something you can do to brighten your mood. Once you find something that makes you happy no one can ruin it for you, it'll be yours.
 
G

Guidancefromtheangels

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Feb 11, 2021
Messages
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Kent
Thank you for your replies, so he left when I found out (via her) he blames it all on addiction and he didn't know what he was doing.. but for a year... really! I used to be such a strong independent person but now feel like a vulnerable uneasy untrusting little girl! He came back because he made so many promises and I thought maybe he was telling me some truth. But I can't even start to think how ill trust again! I am in therapy at the moment only on my 3rd session so very early days but its there in place so I guess time will tell if it helps. I am trying so many self help things, healthy eating I tried but being a former anorexic I can't eat much at all and when I do I want to eat crap and drink coffee! 🙃 I've been out of anorexia for a good 7 years but can easily slip back into it which I am determined not to let happen. Miscarriage is a pain like no other physically and emotionally. And 16 of them really takes its toll. I am blessed to have had children since the miscarriages and they are the things that are getting me up in the mornings, and through each day they're like little self help things put into my day! But then I feel guilt because I am "fake" trying to be happy for them.
It's such a sticky mess
X
 
J

Jrchmn

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Oct 17, 2018
Messages
108
One thought if he was an addict then he will have distorted the truth and lied to cover his activities. He may even have been gas lighting you. At the moment people seem to use the expression gas lighting for when someone disagrees with them about the truth and try’s to rewrite history. Gas lighting is so much more. It’s a horrible form of domestic abuse where someone distorts things to the point where it’s impossible to know what’s real. My x removed things such as letters and keys, distorted or withheld messages and constantly maintained my recollection of events was incorrect. Ask yourself why do you feel you’re a mess? What’s messed up finances? Your health? Your relationships with friends and family? Are you responsible for messing them up or has he manipulated things?
 
G

Guidancefromtheangels

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Feb 11, 2021
Messages
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Location
Kent
This is such a helpful comment :) yes I have skimmed over the term gas lighting before, like he would argue with me to the point where I was questioning my own mental state or blaming tiredness on my paranoia he would agree with the point I was just tired or overthinking stuff! There would never be anyone else I'm the only one blah blah blah.. I asked him why he was carrying his phone everywhere and why it was on silent all the time he would say he didn't know it was on silent, and he needed it to count his steps, he made up horrific stories about himself and and to this girl for a sympathy vote, lied about some stuff I wouldn't even type for fear they may come true! .. make up working late, new job interviews etc.. he got suspended from work and told me he didn't have a clue why, I found out in the end he was in fact being investigated because the girl had gone to her boss regarding mental abuse and him taking money from her, he eventually told me the truth when the truth was out there and he couldn't lie anymore.
Messed up in just a head messed up way, because I'm constantly distrusting, finances are awful because he has spent our previous savings on his previous addictions, probably the stupid thing is I keep going back! I just like to see the best in people and keep wishing he will change forever.. probably a big ask! Too big maybe?
I've lost most of my friends/aquantancies as when we first were together he would pick holes in all of my friends and make me see the worst in them, or not want them round because he didn't like them so after a while they didn't bother with me.. and the ones that bother with me don't like him or what he's put me through.
Hes quite controlling with he asks what I'm doing, where I'm going, what the conversation was about, who I'm talking to all the time.. likes to listen into phone calls etc..
Quite the opposite of the person I met originally! Maybe he done to me what he done with the other girl! This fake persona to reel someone in and then the true them comes out!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,116
Location
Nashua NH
This is such a helpful comment :) yes I have skimmed over the term gas lighting before, like he would argue with me to the point where I was questioning my own mental state or blaming tiredness on my paranoia he would agree with the point I was just tired or overthinking stuff! There would never be anyone else I'm the only one blah blah blah.. I asked him why he was carrying his phone everywhere and why it was on silent all the time he would say he didn't know it was on silent, and he needed it to count his steps, he made up horrific stories about himself and and to this girl for a sympathy vote, lied about some stuff I wouldn't even type for fear they may come true! .. make up working late, new job interviews etc.. he got suspended from work and told me he didn't have a clue why, I found out in the end he was in fact being investigated because the girl had gone to her boss regarding mental abuse and him taking money from her, he eventually told me the truth when the truth was out there and he couldn't lie anymore.
Messed up in just a head messed up way, because I'm constantly distrusting, finances are awful because he has spent our previous savings on his previous addictions, probably the stupid thing is I keep going back! I just like to see the best in people and keep wishing he will change forever.. probably a big ask! Too big maybe?
I've lost most of my friends/aquantancies as when we first were together he would pick holes in all of my friends and make me see the worst in them, or not want them round because he didn't like them so after a while they didn't bother with me.. and the ones that bother with me don't like him or what he's put me through.
Hes quite controlling with he asks what I'm doing, where I'm going, what the conversation was about, who I'm talking to all the time.. likes to listen into phone calls etc..
Quite the opposite of the person I met originally! Maybe he done to me what he done with the other girl! This fake persona to reel someone in and then the true them comes out!
I’m sorry you have become enmeshed in a relationship with a manipulative, toxic and abusive person. I had a man in my life like this once. He was quite charming, good looking and great in bed. Everything else were down points. He was a cheater, an alcoholic, highly manipulative, defensive, given to gas lighting, a compulsive liar, the list just goes on and on. I had a weakness to him that came about as a result of his looks, his charm and the fact that he was really good in bed. I physically loved the way I felt when I was with him. I wonder if this is the same with you. As much as he made me feel bad in every other way he made me feel good in this one way.However my self esteem and sense of self was ruined in the process. It’s been almost two years now since I was with him last and I still haven’t gotten over it. Do yourself a favor and leave this person out of your life forever. He won’t change and it will only frustrate you trying to make him try. Focus on your self and your own self love and care. Therapy is a great start. Be generous and kind with yourself. I think trying to cultivate your friendships again will be a great source of strength for you. You can also find support here. xo, j
 
G

Guidancefromtheangels

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Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
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Location
Kent
What you wrote about your ex I could have written myself! Yes he had this sense of making me feel like I am or was the only woman in the world! Safe and secure.. little did I know that I wasn't and I was far from secure! Yes I think your so very right I am destroying myself trying to think of a future with a person like him
Thank you so very much for this helpful reply x
 
soul searching

soul searching

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Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
996
Location
Clearwater, Florida
This is such a helpful comment :) yes I have skimmed over the term gas lighting before, like he would argue with me to the point where I was questioning my own mental state or blaming tiredness on my paranoia he would agree with the point I was just tired or overthinking stuff! There would never be anyone else I'm the only one blah blah blah.. I asked him why he was carrying his phone everywhere and why it was on silent all the time he would say he didn't know it was on silent, and he needed it to count his steps, he made up horrific stories about himself and and to this girl for a sympathy vote, lied about some stuff I wouldn't even type for fear they may come true! .. make up working late, new job interviews etc.. he got suspended from work and told me he didn't have a clue why, I found out in the end he was in fact being investigated because the girl had gone to her boss regarding mental abuse and him taking money from her, he eventually told me the truth when the truth was out there and he couldn't lie anymore.
Messed up in just a head messed up way, because I'm constantly distrusting, finances are awful because he has spent our previous savings on his previous addictions, probably the stupid thing is I keep going back! I just like to see the best in people and keep wishing he will change forever.. probably a big ask! Too big maybe?
I've lost most of my friends/aquantancies as when we first were together he would pick holes in all of my friends and make me see the worst in them, or not want them round because he didn't like them so after a while they didn't bother with me.. and the ones that bother with me don't like him or what he's put me through.
Hes quite controlling with he asks what I'm doing, where I'm going, what the conversation was about, who I'm talking to all the time.. likes to listen into phone calls etc..
Quite the opposite of the person I met originally! Maybe he done to me what he done with the other girl! This fake persona to reel someone in and then the true them comes out!
Hi,again, Guidancefromangels! Two humungous red flags! I was in an abusive situation and wound up in a safe house. They educated us about abusive relationships. The fact that he is isolating you from your friends and family is a something abusive people do. Also, the controlling is another behavior of abusive people. I'm sounding an alarm for you! If you don't feel ready to leave him, you will likely receive emotional abuse(already have with the other woman thing) and possibly physical abuse. Be very careful what you say and do. I would make plans to get him out or leave. :grouphug:
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

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Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,119
Location
USA
Good evening all!
Nice late one as I can't sleep again!
So in a nutshell my life has never been a bed of roses.. done it all got all the t shirts, but I'm not coping too well anymore, I think I've had one final blow that's tipped my "point"
So to name but a few things that have occurred in my life
* birth father abandonment (didn't know until I was 10)
* kidnap
* mental and physical abuse from step father and 1st partner
* recurrent miscarriages
All in the past- the list is longer but neither you or I have the time!
Until recently - in the past 12 months discovering my husband is an addict, having an affair that lasted a year and making me feel like a paranoid fisher wife while he lied to my face about it to then 3 months later losing a close relative to covid.. im a broken mess.. can anyone relate to anything I've been through and how on earth sense was made of any of it? How to get through and how to smile again!?
Thank you in advance... sorry for the long message.. I'm relatively new to this and really didn't know where to turn.
G x
You've really been through some tough times, few can identify with that. Miscarriages are very hard (especially recurrent), for both parents but particularly for the mother. My wife and I have been through it and all I can tell you is time will heal the wounds. I know, it's easy to say-but I speak from experience on that matter.

There is no shame in sharing your struggles, most folks in this forum are doing the same thing. We're all probably in the same situation-under some form of 'lockdown' to to the international pandemic, struggling financially, probably putting off needed medical care due to COVID, feeling alone and at our wits end. Some are probably only a kind word or some empathy away from doing something very regrettable. That's why we're in this forum.

You've had to endure some real disappointments in your life, I can understand how you're a 'broken mess'. I have been there in my life as well. It hardly seems worth living at times like that. All I can tell you is that it is, that eventually things will get better. Like I said, it's easy to say but I'm speaking from experience of being in that state of despair. In my lifetime (66 years to date) there has always been eventual recovery from the deepest depths. Always. Please continue to have that hope, it's what sustains us during those periods.
 
G

Guidancefromtheangels

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Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
12
Location
Kent
I think the problem I have is because I've had so many events that have been traumatic there doesn't seem to be a period of time I've had to process any of it, before the next thing happens almost like an overload? Maybe I need to take a step back and go one thing at a time.. try to process and heal the wounds I already have? Before the next thing occurs.. this is my issue see.. I am always thinking negatively about the futures events.. nothing is ever seen as good things may come because they don't seem too.
But I have decided today that I am going to seek a new love and passion in a spiritual way, and collect healing crystals and the angels, I don't follow and never have followed a specic "higher thing" so maybe this would be a good thing to try?
Thank you all so very much for your amazing responses. I didn't expect one so I am so grateful to each and every one who has taken the time to reply to me and read my post.
It gives me a good sense to feel not so alone and I'm not the only one feeling like this, which I know I'm not but sometimes life feels a bit lonely regardless of how many people you have around you. Stuck under that dark cloud..
I'm hoping the changes I'm about to make help me and I hope everyone who has also had similar issues or that completely different, find the light they need as well..
X
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Messages
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Location
Canada
I think the problem I have is because I've had so many events that have been traumatic there doesn't seem to be a period of time I've had to process any of it, before the next thing happens almost like an overload?
Yes, you've been overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be? I've felt the same. It's really hard to process.
 
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