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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Just me...

just a scratch

just a scratch

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
19
Location
East Berkshire
Hey..

Well, i am posting here because i have found a strange kind of comfort in knowing there are other people who actually i CAN relate to..

My depression began (i think) when i was a young teen, but as my parents are not the kind of people to "listen", well, my dad especially, i suppose i hid it.

Until i had my first child 6 years ago.

Through the last few months of my pregnancy i was absolutely convinced that my baby wouldn't love me and that i wouldn't love her or want her when she arrived- and guess what? I was right... well, not all of it, of course she loved me she knew no better and hadn't met the "real me"... but i was immediately super-paranoid, stressed, angry, upset, confused, annoyed, low, forgetful, etc...

6 months down the line i had no choice but to tell my huasband as by now i was begging people, friends and relatives to take the baby so i could forget... but it never happened.
So i carted off to the dr's and given citalopram..

And then i just went further and further down......

Had a year of no depression from 2006-07, which is when i had baby number 2.. i was well prepared for it this time though- but it never happened... my son was born with a few physical abnormalities, so i guess my time was spent making sure he was well and didnt have a chance to "dwell on things".

Only when he was 7weeks old, i fell pregnant again.

Deciding to keep baby number 3 was easy, but at 5 months my pregnancy went wrong. I had to have a major op, and we were told to expect to lose her, but the little angel pulled through... However i was left disabled and extremely immobile.

So when i had my baby, any feelings of sadness i put down to the "baby blues" and disability... however i was very wrong.

She is now 20 moths old and i have now begun having help from my Community Mental Health Team, as they are beginning to believe i am Bipolar.

I can be right as rain for wekks on end and then for absolutely no apparant reason just go completely off the rails and even self harm when things are too tough.

I am waiting to have my med's changed at the moment but as im pretty sure you're all aware, it takes time and my dr is worried about the efects of me stopping one lot of pills to begin another...

Sometimes i just feel like nobody understands me, nobody really listens to what i am trying to say, but thats because i cant say what i want to...

I am petrified of being sent to hospital and kept in for treatment.

Fortunately my husband is great but he cant possibly understand cos i dont!!!!

I dont know why i am able to type all of this when there is no way i would say it out loud, but i guess its the annonimity side of things (and u dont know my quack..lol)`

Sorry for my essay, i could go on but wont bore you any longer...

Just a scratch
:unsure:
 
just a scratch

just a scratch

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
19
Location
East Berkshire
sorry, never meant
"they are beginning to BELIEVE i am bipolar"

meant to write..

"they now think i am bipolar"

sorry!!!
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,625
Hello just a scratch and welcome to the forum.

I can identifiy with the feelings - low self esteem etc, perhaps sharing on here will help and in the meantime a change of meds may help also - not everyone advocates meds but then we are all different - I take meds for depression - I don;t know really if they work?

Keep posting anyway

Take Care

Keepsafe
 
just a scratch

just a scratch

Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
19
Location
East Berkshire
Thank you..

my therapist advised me to begin writing because when i set my mind to it i am quite good at it, but to be honest, i just dont have the energy anymore...

as for the med's, i am quite the same- do they work?? i dont know, but i'm scared to stop them "just in case"

just a scratch

:shrug:
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I've been on my meds for nearly 9 years and the few times I've tried to come off or reduce I've had problems again. :eek:
 
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