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Just me going on about my current life struggles

JustAnotherHuman

JustAnotherHuman

Active member
Joined
Aug 26, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
This is gonna be exactly what the title says. I’m not exactly sure what I want to get out of this, but I just want to get it all out somehow, and I’m always too afraid to talk to others about it. This’ll probably be a long one, so feel free to make yourself a cuppa before you start to read all this. Anyway, here goes...

I feel like I have a variety of struggles, but I guess the best place to start is my motivation, or rather my lack of motivation. I have a variety of hobbies that I’m not really motivated to do at all, and I’ll only ever do them like once a month or if I have to do it for work of sorts. I hate this, because it means I don’t have the energy to do anything productive, nor do I have anything that I want to spend my life doing as a job. I so desperately want to do something I enjoy with all my heart, but I can’t find anything. I dunno why I’m so unmotivated to do any of these things I thought I’d enjoy. Maybe it’s because I started them out of a want to be validated or something? I’m also worried about my uni course, cause I’m studying programming but I’m never motivated to do it in my own time. I only chose it because I’m good at it and when I’m actually doing it it’s not that bad.

Next problem: a lack of self love. Oh how I hate myself so much. I don’t know why but I always look at myself with such negativity, and I’m always comparing myself to others. It’s at the point where I now have a tendency to search out things where I can become anyone except myself without realising it. I used to think I was trans, and then I thought I was a furry. I also recently had the urge to cosplay, and I probably make so many D&D characters because I find them so much more interesting than myself. I just don’t get why I don’t want to be me. I feel like I’m the worst human being on earth, despite the fact that I know I’m actually kindhearted and often help others no matter what. It’s not at the point where I wanna die or self harm, because for some reason despite constantly feeling broken I’m fully dedicated to not getting myself hurt for some reason, and I have no clue why. Like I want to stop existing, but I don’t want anything to do with dying and all that. Its weird.

The fact that I despise myself is really damaging my relationships with others. I know I have friends and people that care about me, but I don’t feel close to any of them except for one. I feel like no one can love me, and I get that that’s because I don’t love myself, but I don’t even know where to begin fixing that problem, let alone having the motivation to carry it out. Then there’s my family, who I despise yet care about. It’s not that they’re a bad family, they’re better than a lot of the bad ones you hear about. It just doesn’t help that my younger brother is a loud, selfish, douchebag who is always complaining and is the main source of all the family arguments. My middle brother lacks any common sense and we share no likes whatsoever. My mum is always stressed over work and jobs, and therefore has little time to spend with the family. My Dad is probably the best of them all: he makes sure to take care of us and is always fair. He tries his best to give us all his love, so it’s annoying how he’s often at work during the day. Currently I just want to be back at uni, I don’t have to deal with family arguments over there and I feel like my life actually is moving forward while I’m at uni, unlike while I’m at home.

Another problem on the list is stress. Because of how well I did In school when I was younger I feel like I’m expected to do really well in what I do, even if I have no motivation to do so. Furthermore I have stupidly high expectations for myself. For some reason I often start out something and expect to master it really quickly even though I know that’s stupid and impossible. Plus at home I’m the only child that helps out with jobs without making a fuss, even if I don’t really want to do it, cause I believe that’s what’s expected of me. This is also why I don’t let my parents know of my problems, cause if they don’t relieve some of their workload onto me they’ll become even more stressed and if I tell them they’ll stop giving me jobs. People ask me to do things and I say yes even if I’m not sure if I can do it, and this just adds extra stress. My brain is constantly thinking and never shuts up, and all this is just more and more stress. Doesn’t help that I’m also on the spectrum, meaning that a number small/minor issues can end up irritating me a lot. With all this stress I guess it’s no wonder i lack any energy throughout the day.

I guess the most frustrating thing is that there is no reason I should be having any of these problems. It’s not like I suffered any traumas or anything growing up, so I don’t even have a reason to be struggling. I’ve got a good life yet I’m here feeling empty. I’m kinda embarrassed that I’m even feeling this way.

anyway, essay over. I’ll be going back to uni soon, and when I do I’ll be getting a loan which I want to spend on a piano keyboard, cause with piano I don’t feel like I want to do it out of validation; I want to do it out of a love for music. So hopefully that goes somewhere. Thank you for reading my rambling.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,566
Location
Lancashire
Hiya and :welcome: to the forum. I'm not sure what spectrum you mean that you are on - Autism or something else? Is this only an issue when you are on holidays from Uni? It sounds like a lot of us who are feeling depressed and alone with our thoughts. Have you ever considered any therapy to help with your low self esteem? I don't know if its available at uni or if you can afford it privately - that is if you can find someone in the first place.

You sound quite anxious and depressed and that leads to lack of motivation. We get so wrapped up in these feelings that it takes all our energy up and leaves none over for other things. I wish I could give you some real advice but I'm afraid I can't. Thank you for sharing your story.
 
JustAnotherHuman

JustAnotherHuman

Active member
Joined
Aug 26, 2019
Messages
27
Location
UK
By spectrum I mean that I have Aspergers. And I guess these problems are a bit bigger when I'm at home, but I still have similar issues while I'm at Uni. Therapy is offered at my Uni I believe, but I've never really felt like signing up for it, and I'm not sure if I'd be confident enough to open up about everything if I talked face-to-face with a therapist. Honestly tho its at the point where I think I really need to do it, cause these issues have been going on for a while now :p And I guess a therapist could give some proper advice, or even clear instructions on how to improve
 
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