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Anne-Marie

Anne-Marie

New member
Joined
Apr 1, 2009
Messages
2
Location
Wales, UK
Hey

I'm not even sure what I have is a mental illness but I guess it's always easier after you've spoken about it... right?

About me:
I am 15 years old, in year 10 (UK), and studying for me GCSEs (or atleast I would be if I went to school). Late last year I was diagnosed with school phobia and I've been going to CAMHs to try and help me. Right now I haven't been in to school for about 1 and a half weeks. When I am in school I never make any contact with the rest of the students, prefering to stay in the 'isolation' room where they send students who mis-behave. The school has set up, with CAMHs, an educational psychologist and the LSA, that I have to go in to school from 1:30pm-3:00pm. These times because I arrive and leave school when all the students are in lesson and in the afternoon because I simply do not get up in the mornings. Not being lazy, it's just a struggle to get up. I have not been in contact with any of my school friends since May of last year (excluding one time when I was forced to).
I have missed so much school this year that my school are trying to convince me to repeat the year but, no, that would make it worse. I can see how it would be beneficial to me but I still don't want to. My mum said to me the other day in the car that maybe I should tell everyone I have this syndrome she heard of called CFS. She says I'm "chronically tired" sometimes but I am not tired a lot of the time. I only get tired because everyone gets tired.
Over the past 3 years I have tried to commit suicide around 10 times (only 2 of which people know about) and the last one being the most serious. It was all ODing but I managed to get my hands on some quite bad medcine. The last time was in November.
I get angry a lot with my family, and afterwards I always cry and feel empty. I'm not sure if that's normal or not so I decided to include it anyway. All they have to do is breathe incorrectly, not sit down, stand someone too long, look at me or anything along those lines and I flip and simply do not shut up. I get right in their faces and shout at them.
I am scared of what people think. Whenever I see someone I automatically assume the worse even if their actions are friendly and nice. I'm scared of changing myself, my appearence, incase people react badly to it. This can include getting a haircut, new clothes and wearing make-up. I am scared of telling people what I like, whatever it may be, incase it is wrong. I am scared of doing new things incase I am bad at them or do them wrong, because in my mind, I can do nothing correctly. Ever. I've lost the will power to engage in activities which interested me before. I am scared of doing work, writing things and showing people things. I remember once at school not being able to do the work and bursting into tears. Other times thinking I might be able to but refusing to hand the work in. Art and DT were the worse. There are not strict guidelines, you have to express yourself and the way I would do something would be wrong. I could spend an entire year doing one piece of work - rubbing things out, starting over or even simply being to too scared to start the work. My teachers, understandablely, got very frustrated with me. I get shakes when I am nervous and in extreme situations I sweat and once I even wet myself a bit (I'm having some shakes now writing this out). My mood goes up and down quite a bit and I never seem to be... normal.
I have always been like this, but never so intense. When I was in year 1-4 I reacted with anger and hitting people. People always bring up the time when I threw a chair at a teacher and climbed a bookcase, although, I did not. I actually held a chair above my head and threatened to throw it at my teacher while breathing radpidly but I never actually threw it. I also was very nasty to the other children. I do understand the work, and before in my SATs, I got top marks so I have the ability to do well I just... yeah.
When I got into year 6 I had controlled my anger completely (at school) but my thinking had switching from reacting angrilly, to reacting silently and worrying. At this time it only applied for art. When I got into year 7 I was very comfortable with everything, and everyone (even though the art thing was there but it was not disruptive). In year 8, after quite a large falling out with the entire year, I stopped going to school completely for a few months until the school, finally, contacted my parents to question my attendence. I would usually spend the day in the garage. My mum, obviously angry, forced me to go to school. These were around the times when I started trying to kill myself though I never told anyone and they didn't find out. It was mainly by pain medication and asthma inhalers (belonging to my brother).
After a while, I went back into school full time, and for the beginning of year 9 I had a good group of friends but my worries had extended from art to everything, everyone. I avoided everyone apart from about 7 people who I spoke to. These people would often experience me asking if we could sit someone else and all of the time they complied. There was a girl who was really, really good to me but she left school. In April, because of all these worries I was having, I tried to commit suicide and I was found out this time. I went to hospital and stayed overnight, afterwards being referred to CAMHS. Since then I have not been in school for one full day. I have not opened up to my psychiatrist.
Recently they have decided two psychiatric nurses visiting me could help. I have only seen them twice and they still have decided how often they are going to see me. Last time they came my mum gave them a full family history. A basic outline being that my brother has asperger's syndrome and dyslexia; my mum has bipolar disorder, asperger's syndrome (recently diagnosed), anxiety and dyslexia; my gran and grandad had drinking problems; my grandpa had a major breakdown a few years ago, and is psychotic; the reasons for my parents divorce; her childhood She obviously went into more detail but those are the main points. She also said that she thinks the fact that my brother needed his day completely planned out, to exact points, affected me since I was a "normal" girl and I did not need this extra treatment.
A few weeks ago the educational psychologist suggested to my mum that I may have asperger's syndrome but I am certain I don't. She has only seen me in meetings, and other important things, and that does not reflect me normally because I get nervous for those. My mum and me had a long talk about it and the symptoms for the syndrome and I read up on it. I'm sure I don't have it.
Whenever I refuse to go to school my family will react with quotes such as:
"I can't be bothered with you anymore."
"What is wrong with you?"
"You're brother and I have had it much worse, why are you begging for attention?"
"Why can't you be normal?"
"Are you stupid?"
and so on...
This is what upsets me more than anything else. They can bring me to tears there and then by saying this.
My family say it's hormones and I think I agree with them.

If you have any questions on things you think I haven't included then ask.
Sorry, I did go on a bit.
Thanks.
 
unlucky

unlucky

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
You poor soul!! To suffer from mental health issues at any time is horrendous, but at your age its worse. I was a nightmare when I was your age, underage drinking and shoplifting. You're at such a difficult time in your life anyway but to be saddled with this on top of natural age related stuff must be terrible. Do you think that maybe because of your brothers illness that you maybe didn't get the attention you deserved? To have a sibling with an illness must be very difficult for you.

You've did really well in writing everything down (sorry, I'm not trying to patronize you), it takes most adults years and years to be able to put thier feelings down on paper. Try to keep a diary of how you feel and give this to your dr (even better print out this page). It is very obvious from your entry that you are not stupid and your mum is probably just frustrated because she knows how much potential you have.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help, but everyone on this site has problems and hopefully we'll be able to help you in time as well. I'm afraid there are no over night solutions.

I'm sending you big hugs:hug: :hug::hug:
 
Anne-Marie

Anne-Marie

New member
Joined
Apr 1, 2009
Messages
2
Location
Wales, UK
Hello & :welcome: to the forum.
Thanks : )
You poor soul!! To suffer from mental health issues at any time is horrendous, but at your age its worse. I was a nightmare when I was your age, underage drinking and shoplifting. You're at such a difficult time in your life anyway but to be saddled with this on top of natural age related stuff must be terrible. Do you think that maybe because of your brothers illness that you maybe didn't get the attention you deserved? To have a sibling with an illness must be very difficult for you.

You've did really well in writing everything down (sorry, I'm not trying to patronize you), it takes most adults years and years to be able to put thier feelings down on paper. Try to keep a diary of how you feel and give this to your dr (even better print out this page). It is very obvious from your entry that you are not stupid and your mum is probably just frustrated because she knows how much potential you have.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help, but everyone on this site has problems and hopefully we'll be able to help you in time as well. I'm afraid there are no over night solutions.

I'm sending you big hugs:hug: :hug::hug:
It may have been (brother's illness), I'm not sure. I never really took into account what it was or payed any attention to it at all.

Thanks. I didn't write it all out now I've been writing it over the past few days since I didn't want to miss out anything. When it was written, and I was slightly happy with it, I joined and posted.

I think that keep a diary would be better than telling him directly because whenever I go, I freeze up (I have never actually looked him in the face because I always look down to the floor). I think using this site may help me become more confident when discussing issues and let me prepare for when I go do see him : )
 
unlucky

unlucky

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
:)Its never easy putting your thoughts and feelings into words, I clam up whenever I try to speak to anyone at all never mind a psychologist who is trying to analyse my every word!! You've done really well with putting it all into words and I think you should show this to someone as soon as possible - as I say, it won't happen overnight but hopefully you've made the first step to overcoming this.
 
S

shabbia

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2009
Messages
13
Hey there,
I think you are so brave talking about this. As a parent i can relate to what you say because my son who's now 19 years old was diagnosed with CFS a few years ago................ Im not going to mince words but his school was shit! they had no understanding of him or us or what he was going through. The catalyst for him came after we had the death in the family of my wifes mother and my mother two months apart. He is our youngest son and we talked about everything and grieved all in our own different ways but he took the loss the hardest of all. After this time he became unwell and depressed and lethargic and had no energy at all... we tried so hard to understand. We got family counselling which helped and eventually we found a paediatrician who referred us to a specialist in London. I'll never forget that vist, we walked in the door and he spoke to my son and within about ten minutes he said "youve got chronic fatigue syndrome". It was like that ,moment in the Blues Brothers where the light come's through the church window and i thought hallebloodyluya............. it was a long road back from this for him and us, but finally we had some understanding................................ My heart goes out to you now(as a father).. my son is 19 now and several guitars , drumkits and skate boards later, he's making a recovery. he was out of school for over two years and we had him home schooled in the end. he did an access course at the local college and is currently teaching little kids how to skateboard................ Remember there is always hope,

Thinking of you now:)
 
Last edited:
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi and welcome to the forum. That's an awful lot of writing. If you'd like to open a blog in the journals section that can be really therapeutic.

Have you thought about printing this off and showing it to CAMHS? It would cut out a lot of talking and give them a really good idea of what you're really like. Meanwhile I hope we can help you here.
 
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