Just joined, Need help to understand and help my 32 year old son

M

momma1961

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Jun 19, 2018
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My son has been re-writing his life for the past 8 months, he now has everyone in his life, family, and friends as part of the conspiracy to not tell him the truth. He always uses phrases which start with I have been connecting the dots....I have more dots, and he has made himself a bad person since he was 12/13 years old, and we have kept the secrets from him, with me (mom) having drugged him to not remember. I had the police speak to him one day a month ago, and he couldn't talk sense into him. He got very upset while at the dinner table last Sunday, (which had been going well), and he started screaming that we were all POS and he hated us. Chased around the house, and then left without any violence. But this has been escalating over the last couple of months, and I don't know how to help him. He believes nothing is wrong with him, he won't listen to anyone, in fact you can barely get a word in with him. I don't know how to get him to go for any kind of help, and I am so worried this won't end well for him.

He has been tough with me for years. Tough with words and telling me what a loser I am, then would say it was a joke, but over the past couple of years he worsened, and for the past 8 months telling others (step brothers) he hates me.

The therapist I have been seeing to find out what is going on, tells me I cannot tell him that his delusions aren't real.........but get him help.........

In all the reading I have done, as well as talking with several experts, I feel he is BPD, but obviously this is not confirmed.

I have never been so scared for him, and for us in my life, now as he isolates himself from everyone, how can this have a good ending? When he gets so angry so quickly, and screams horrible things, I can't imagine it will end well, if he acts like this on the street, or with a policeman, or worse does he come here and do something awful.

I am reaching out for any suggestions, or help or understanding that anyone here can provide. I love him so much, I have accepted that I don't believe he has the ability to love back in the same way, but I am good with that.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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It’s difficult when people themselves won’t accept they need help, and they aren’t a danger to themselves or others so they can’t be sectioned. If you want to preserve the peace, the best you can do is listen in an interested way, let him talk, but don’t give any negative feedback, and don’t confirm his stories. Just listen to him, and encourage him to talk.

Sometimes it can be useful to encourage doubt and skepticism. Just question him and see why he thinks things are true, what evidence he is considering.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time, I hope the forum is some help to you.

:hug:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
You need to get help for your son before things escalate.
Visit or phone his GP and tell them what you've told us.
He might be sectioned under the mental health act and taken to hospital, it may be what he needs to get well.
Sounds like he's having delusions, I've had these and got better.
He won't understand he's poorly, as with delusions you don't have insight at the time.
I'm here to listen and help all I can.
Take care
 
M

momma1961

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Thank you for your advice. I am in Canada. Laws are different. I basically have to "wait" for him to be a threat to himself or someone else. Which hurts to watch him go on with this for so long. I again, thank you for your reply, it helps me....hopefully we can help him.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Thank you for your advice. I am in Canada. Laws are different. I basically have to "wait" for him to be a threat to himself or someone else. Which hurts to watch him go on with this for so long. I again, thank you for your reply, it helps me....hopefully we can help him.
Hi,
Can you argue he is a threat to himself? I'm sorry this is happening.
Is he not taking care of himself etc?
Thanks
 
M

momma1961

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Thank you for your reply. I am trying to find ways in to get him to see some doubt, when it happens, he ends the conversation, and by the next day the story is gone or changed. He tells me the stories, to get me to remember, as he feels I may have removed it from my memory since I drugged him to forget them. We went to the police station to get the proof he needed, and then decided when he didn't have anything showing him in jail for 30 days, that he was a minor and it was erased from the books, sorry, I went off a little there. We had his best friend talking with him, and now even he is on the enemy list.
I find it so hard to sleep at night, I worry and cry that he must be feeling miserable and hurt, I just don't know what he is feeling. I am trying to get him to talk about how a particular story makes him feel, and he makes a short snort laugh and says he doesn't care, he is just glad to know the truth finally. I don't know if this is "text book" I just can't give up trying to reach him. Thank you again for the reply.
 
M

momma1961

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That is a great question. He is taking care of himself, he can turn it on and off like a light switch. His house his clothes, everything is neat and tidy. He works......I just don't understand how he can. I had the police at his home weeks ago, and he said the place was spotless, I was there Sunday, it is spotless. So I try to figure out how to make that argument. SO frustrating.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Thank you for your reply. I am trying to find ways in to get him to see some doubt, when it happens, he ends the conversation, and by the next day the story is gone or changed. He tells me the stories, to get me to remember, as he feels I may have removed it from my memory since I drugged him to forget them. We went to the police station to get the proof he needed, and then decided when he didn't have anything showing him in jail for 30 days, that he was a minor and it was erased from the books, sorry, I went off a little there. We had his best friend talking with him, and now even he is on the enemy list.
I find it so hard to sleep at night, I worry and cry that he must be feeling miserable and hurt, I just don't know what he is feeling. I am trying to get him to talk about how a particular story makes him feel, and he makes a short snort laugh and says he doesn't care, he is just glad to know the truth finally. I don't know if this is "text book" I just can't give up trying to reach him. Thank you again for the reply.
Hi,
Sorry, you won't be able to reason with him he's too poorly.
Have you spoken to his dr about these issues, to see what help is available?
He will believe the delusions are truth and only when he's doing better will be be able to reflect.
He needs professional help, i.e. Psychiatrist and specialist nurses.
Have you got any support from family, this is a very worrying time for you.
Glad you found the forum.
Take care
 
Cazcat

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Hi,

Your son does sound unwell. My husband suffers with episodes of psychosis, which have included similar delusions to what you describe about me keeping him under surveillance, plotting against him and trying to poison him.

We are in the UK but I also struggled (for years) to get any help for him. Even when the professionals agreed with me that he sounded really poorly I got the line about them needing consent unless he was a risk to himself or others (Suicide attempts didn't seem to count!)

I have recently been to a talk on the Mental Health Act and Mental Capacity Act by one of the legal people in my husband's mental health trust. Obviously this is specific to UK law, but wondering if it might be helpful. She explained that for someone to have the mental capacity to make decisions about their medical care they need to have insight into the fact that they are unwell. She suggested in the situation you are in asking for an assessment of mental capacity to make decisions about medical care.

On a practical note my advice would be to keep records of examples of your sons unusual thoughts and behaviours as evidence of him being unwell and keep asking to talk to the person's manager to take your concerns as high as possible in the organisation.
 
Cazcat

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Also the general advice is to a knowledge his distress at the situation, whilst avoiding agreeing with his delusions or contradicting them. To him what he is experiencing is completely real.

There's a good book called I'm not sick I don't need help by Xavier Amador about improving communication with people with psychosis.
 
M

momma1961

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Again, thank you! I can't even express my gratitude for everyone's thoughts, help, etc. I will order this book.
I will call his doctor, to see if they have any further suggestions, but as of now, there is not much other than wait for it to escalate.
 
M

momma1961

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So scared for my son

I joined yesterday, had many great people offer advice, and their best wishes, today, not a very good day.
Today's phone calls to get help for my son have resulted in the same merry go round. Always ending in I am so sorry for what you are going through.......
My son has struggled with depression over the years, I am sure of that, and he would tell me sometimes if he wasn't married and had his first child by 30, well he was going to have a big party with his money, and end it. Then it would always follow with a "I don't really mean that". However, as he feared being hurt again in love, he pushed women away after a while, and now he is 32, alone and no children. He has begun giving stuff away, and has told us all he plans on selling his house, and riding till the money runs out. He has a new story of his life (delusions), and we are all involved in keeping this from him. He is a freak, and we didn't tell him.
I ordered the book that was recommended yesterday, it should arrive today, I am desperate, hoping I can find something in it that will help me to help him.
I feel like I have failed him miserably. I feel like our mental health system has failed him. Maybe he isn't "saveable", but I can't give up on him.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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I believe that everyone is "saveable" and can be helped. I'll tell you a story.

6 years ago when my husband was at his most unwell, he was discharged from hospital and disappeared, there was a full week where he had no contact with me and with his history of repeated suicide attempts, I was sure he was dead. He had been so tortured for so long and struggled so much to function in the world around him however hard he tried that there was a part of me that wondered if he was better off, dead, if he had finally found some piece. Thankfully he was alive and eventually came home and accepted help. I look at the life we have now and find it hard to believe I ever thought that. He is stable most of the time and is holding down a full time job for the first time. He is happy and healthy and has recently told me that he loves his life. There is hope.
 
M

momma1961

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Through the tears, thank you. I hit these moments of despair, and like you shared, you have these moments, and you wonder........yesterday was so tough. I was thinking I was selfish.... I can't imagine what you went through that week he was missing. I am grateful for this site, and all the amazing people on it. It is exhausting, and then attempting to bring other people up to speed, etc., even harder.
I am so very happy that you both have found happiness!
 
Cazcat

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I've been told by my husband's mental health team that they think that when someone experiences serious mental illness it affects those close to them as much as the person who is unwell. I agree with this. Also there's nothing wrong with being a bit selfish at times, I've actually come to realise that it is essential because if we don't look after ourselves we are not in any fit state to look after others. It's perfectly OK to feel sad or angry or whatever other emotions you are experiencing because this isn't just happening to him it's happening to you too.
 
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