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Just feeling lost and want to be able to share my dilemma/story completely...

N

neogeneSOT

New member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Canada
This story is a little bit weird. It's not all that depressing, and perhaps this may end up alright far more than the average people. But regardless of what situations we have in life, there are always struggles. It's hard to find someone or situation where I can really open up. So here is mine. TLDR warning, but it's my story... such as it is.

---

I was born in a typical Asian family who decided to immigrate to North America... mainly to better their children's lives. I had a typical childhood. No unusual abuses or suffered any significant mental trauma. They weren't exactly role models parenting wise, but I can't complain and I could've had much worse parents. We were emotionally negligent and my parents seem to be in more of a marriage out of convenience but they are morally very good people. I do feel like their emotional neligence had deeper impact on me, but c'est la vie. No one is perfect. I do feel bad about their lives sometimes as they seem to be very lonely as they age into retirement age. (They are both in 50s now) Financially they aren't doing so bad either; we are middle class family and while they aren't rich they are in far better situations than others afaik.

I always felt alone in my life. It's strange because even though I'm a natural introvert and I find being too many people a little taxing sometimes, I could act like an extrovert and really get passionate when it comes to stuff I care about. It's enough for me to hit it off and hang out/chill with people in some situations, but it never seem to last. Either we'd go to different schools, different classes, work switches, etc. I never seem to really have a lasting relationship with anyone, platonic or romantic wise. I think there were perhaps 1-2 girls who showed some interest in my high school, but I was too naive and wasn't hormonal enough to do something about it. It was a life of video games and keeping up with school to have reasonably good academic standing for college.

Then the college happened, and everything fell apart from there. It started out quite optimistically, but I simply couldn't focus or concentrate to stay strong and I tend to either have medicore to failing grades near the end of each semesters. I tried very hard to avoid it, but it's the typical life of students who did good in high school but simply could not keep up with the pace. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I was, or maybe I wasn't just motivated and disciplined enough. Long story short, I dropped out of college but got lucky and ended up working in Asia as a foreign teacher briefly. While the pay was shit, it was very relaxing like a vacation. It was a small pvt academy and the administrator was happy with me enough to let me dictate my own course materials. Kids seem to like me well enough, and it was very chill. Because foreign teachers were taken care of housing and car wise, even a pretty small salary seemed a lot as 2 biggest expenses were already taken cared of.

But eventually it came to an end, and I came back to try the college game again. And this time, I did far better in the 1st year. But that optimism began to end in the 2nd year where I just seem to not be able to keep up again. I think I genuinely tried hard, but I donno. I just couldn't keep up, which is strange cause a lot of people thought I was doing solid 1st year. I began to gradually decline until something happened that made my life for the worse. My 3rd year, I was so stressed about the test that I did something incredibly stupid. Long story short, I was arrested and charged for arson (damage to property). It took almost 2.5 years to get properly convicted however, which gave me some time to find IT contract jobs as I wouldn't have criminal record until the conviction. I was surprisingly decent at finding jobs even without college or any real talent with computers, and eventually I was very hopeful when I somehow landed a job in a pretty decent oil/gas company. I had my own office, and the pay was pretty reasonable especially considering my background. I was saving crazy because I am used to homelessness budget. I started to even invest in the stock market.

Then the COVID hit. And everything fell apart again. I was laid off, and my investment portfolio tanked hard. I went back to square one. And on that following summer, my conviction was sealed meaning I have a felony-level criminal record in a country where consumption market was nowhere near that of US. It was rough. I was surviving from COVID social programs that gave a relatively generous cheque from March 2020 to October 2020. After that, I had to dip into unemployment insurance which covered me from Nov 2020 till end of August 2021 (a little more than a month left).

I knew finding a job would be incredibly difficult for any decent IT jobs despite my 3 years of experience as soon as they do background check. So I figured this was now the end. No more chance for a good life for me. But a miracle happened. Perhaps the only thing that I can look back and be proud of. I networked with a guy who is a fucking wizard in the stock market. Unfortunately, he wasn't perfect either and he got hit hard by COVID crash as well. It was his own emotional panic that prevented him from getting out quickly, and losing sizable amount. But ever since then, we both flirted with many different strategies that would ensure we don't blow up again and we're very close. Especially since when his money got fucked, everyone left except for me. Hell, I even gave him some of my savings so he can transition from failure to a path of recovery. Perhaps that was generous considering my situation and all, but I think I did it because he was my only path to some life of fulfillment and freedom.

We combined our asset (from covid and tutoring savings... plus his own savings) and pooled to a little over 100k USD and we started to invest with a new strategy that we backtested and scrutinized really hard on. It has been working solid for 3 months with pretty awesome return comparable to successful hedgefund firms. It was solid enough to the point where my folks offered to loan us 360k USD from their line of credit... and another 360k USD upon 1-2 months of success. We are still thriving. In 3 months, we have made about 35k USD. And with our current projection, we think we will profit consistently and well enough to the point where we may have to pay attention to tax structures... possibly having one of us move to more tax-friendly countries to increase the capital and take advantage of our system. Our strategy is so solid that there is only one rule we must remember to avoid total collapse like last time; if the market starts hitting hard, we MUST pull out. After 2-3% crash in major index funds, we must get out even if it means taking some losses. As long as we do that, our wins would dwarf those occasional losses.

Seems like an happy ending right? Not exactly. I'm turning 30 soon and I'm looking back my 20s (supposedly the best decade of my youth) and I feel so depressed. No real relationship with anyone amazing. Some people I really look upto as friends gradually drifted apart from me, especially after the arson fiasco. I got some friends who seem to care about me, but we no longer hang out or talk as much (partially due to covid but also partially because I'm such a bad friend material). I used to live in a haunted house-like place and split it with other roommates which wasn't so bad as I had my own place/freedom, but it was never a place that I could feel secure as I don't own it and I sometimes have to deal with roommate drama. I moved back to my parents' place thinking they will retire and work for an easy job in their homeland (hence making this place like mine and managing pretty chill tenants... so almost like owning this house as if it was mine), but then covid eventually forced them to quit and they returned here to meet the requirements to collect pensions. So here is me, someone who just turned 30 still living with my parents (though it's not that bad because I am managing their investment so I'm not too much of a freeloader) but still it's depressing. I have a gf now, but it's a mixed feeling. On one hand, I'm touched by how someone who genuinely seem to care about me. But we are really different sometimes to the point where we often clash (usually never toxic but still) and she has a lot of problems on her life. She has a pretty toxic family, and she has to deal with 2 children who is entangled with her WTF autistic level of a horrifying ex which really fucks with her life. And she also lost the job like me when pandemic hit. She works in the warehouse but she hates it. It just seems like every inch of her life is a struggle sometimes and as much as I try to be supportive of her, it gets to me too. I sometimes feel like I'm babysitting and supporting her rather than really being with her and being happy, if that makes sense.

I'm also worried about moving to some tax haven countries in the future as they are tax-havens for a reason. Assuming that my criminal record doesn't fuck me up from getting my residency approved (it might be a bit better as I'd be bringing decent amount of capital), but there are other problems. My chance for a good social life would be limited, and I still pay some taxes (albeit smaller) due to cost of being a temp. resident. I have to rent the house, rent a car, cost of living goes up, etc. I'm not sure how I could make this work with my gf... and even finding a new one may be harder especially as I continue to age. I feel like even with best case scenario, I'd end up being someone who may have a decent financial future but stripped and void of everything else. No strong meaningful network of friends or a gf I can truly be happy with. I suppose at least I won't be broke and I should be very grateful of that, but even then it's depressing. Out of my entire life, my greatest and perhaps my ONLY achievement is knowing one right person at a right time.

I feel like I'd be alone and unhappy/unfulfilled for rest of my life, and I hope life-extension projects really kick in because I feel like I have wasted and burned 30 years of my life and I want some of those missed time back :( I don't mind a lonely life as I'm used to being a lone wolf and at least I'd be financially comfortable... which would be a nice change of scenary considering I've been so frugal all my life. Still, sometimes I feel like life is a joke and a failure especially after criminal conviction that will limit my options in life immensely (like moving to USA). It will be another 10 years before I can purge my record but I mean I'd be 40 by then.

I donno. I just feel I look at my life and say while it may not be a total failure, I donno if I would want to be born if I can see first 30 years of my life. That's my story so far. If anyone is interested, I can update my story after 1.5 years (that's when our investment would hit critical mass and forcing us to seek tax havens to avoid crushing tax burdens with out immense cash flow). I will never be allowed to become a financial advisor/broker with my criminal record and lack of college background, but if I hit million+ capital (excluding loans ofc), I may be able to help some out with managing risk/reward as this has become one of my biggest passion now... seeing that it has LITERALLY saved my life from complete hopelessness.

Not sure if it was a rant, or a desperate attempt to share my story and hope to talk with like-minded tortured souls... but here it is. I donno what I want or expect. But maybe it'd be cool to try networking with some people who really understand the struggle and pain in life... maybe it'd allivate my pain if I know someone who is with me in our depressing journey I donno :(
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Staff member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
13,399
Location
England
30 is when many people start looking for a wife/husband and settling down

I never did but i had a mental illness to deal with in my 30s.

Write a list of what you want to achieve in the next 5 years and take small steps to getting there, but remember, we cannot control everything.
 

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