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Just feel like I need to share what’s in my head right now

K

KittyCat92

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May 8, 2021
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I’ve become very good at hiding my emotions, how I really feel.

I feel as though I’ve HAD to, it’s hard to explain but I’ve felt so pressured I guess into being ‘okay’.

I think I’m really good at putting my emotions into a box, locking it up and burying in the back of a cupboard and shutting the door.

Sounds like I’m proud of it almost?

It’s starting to catch up with me, it’s hard to cope with this amount of emotion and pain and still hide it.

My way of thinking and behaving is distorted, I feel like what I really feel isn’t real, isn’t validated, I feel ashamed if I ever start to show how really feel.

I don’t know if I’m detached from reality, I don’t know, I’m really lost and confused.

An example - a week and one day ago my cat was put to sleep, my parents know how much I loved her, how much she meant to me but outwardly I seem like I’m coping really well, inwardly I’m in so much pain but I feel ashamed of that so I bury it in that box.

I do feel that I’m done with this life, done with being this way.
 
Bod

Bod

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Planet Zod
One thing we are all great at is hiding are emotions we are experts at it, i am so sorry to hear about your cat and im sure you will always have lovely memories your cat so try and keep the good times in your head. Showing a true emotion is pretty damn scary i think but it can be done if you take it slowly i hope this might help you.
 
N

Nams

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Nl
Hi Kittycat92, welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing. Why do you feel forced to not express what you really feel or think?
 
S

Sugaree

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Feb 21, 2021
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There is nothing to be ashamed of if you cry because your cat was put to sleep. Keeping things inside stops working after awhile. I hid some childhood stuff so far away I have lost the memories and when they do creep out it can be overwhelming. I used to write out the abuse I remember than burn the papers. I know it can be painful and you don’t have to be around anyone when you cry. It’s the stuff still hidden away that causes depression and anxiety . Even just posting can be a way of expressing your thoughts.
 
Z

Zoe1

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did you know what was wrong with her for a long time
or was it sudden ?
 
K

KittyCat92

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May 8, 2021
Messages
391
Location
United Kingdom
Hi Kittycat92, welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing. Why do you feel forced to not express what you really feel or think?
I used to be a really sensitive kid when I was younger and would always be very open with how I felt but since then I’ve been through a lot of hurt, a lot of betrayal and learnt how to cope on my own.

I had this one friend who I really opened up to, told her virtually everything about my depression, my self harming, my suicidal thoughts and in the end she completely fucked me over. To start with she was there, she was helping me, she provided that love and safety but then she snatched all that away from me.

We’ve been through a lot as a family, I think my childhood has left me with a distorted view on certain things. I think I experienced trauma but it’s one of those things that’s subtle if you know what I mean, it’s not obvious, in your face kind of thing.

My parents aren’t the ones I trust anymore. I used to be really close with my mum but that has really changed over the last few years. I don’t feel that safety anymore to be able to be open and honest with her.

I just feel so alone so I’ve learnt how to deal with shit on my own, how to ‘cope’. It’s just getting too much now.
 
K

KittyCat92

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May 8, 2021
Messages
391
Location
United Kingdom
did you know what was wrong with her for a long time
or was it sudden ?
She had been through a lot in the past year, really bad infections and had a cancerous lump removed but after that she seemed to be doing okay, back to her normal self. Then one day about a month ago she became very wobbly and couldn’t walk on her back legs and the vets weren’t 100% sure of why, to be fair to them everything it could of been had virtually all the same symptoms and she couldn’t talk to say what it was so we tried a couple of different courses of medication but in the end she was suffering too much and nothing was helping so we had to have her put to sleep.

They think it was more than likely a brain tumour but without spending an awful lot of money that we don’t have to find out we’ll never know for sure.

Even if we had the money to find out and have her treated it would of still been too traumatic for her anyway so we did the kindest thing for her.
 
D

dansell123

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Mar 25, 2021
Messages
103
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Westport
Hi,

You know there is a difference between suppression and repression. In the case of repression, the mind denies the emotion or thoughts existence as a way of keeping it a bay. In the case of supression, one utilizes ones conscious will to suppress the thought or emotion. Repression is never healthy, but sometimes suppression is. Sometimes you have to force down difficult feelings in order to function in life. That doesn't mean you should suppress everything, but don't feel bad if there are some things you keep out of your mind.
 
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