Just expressing some emotions...

S

SilentSunflower

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Location
Colorado (USA)
This post may not have a real point to it. I guess I just need to express some emotions after hearing a news story today. Not far from where I live, a nine-year-old kid committed suicide after being bullied at school. I’m not sure why, but this news story is really hitting me hard.

Personally, I’ve been depressed almost my entire life. I think my sadness turned into “depression” when I was around 12, and I started being suicidal around 13-14. Today, I feel like I am finally in a better state of mind overall, but I still struggle with these issues. My husband also struggles with these issues, and is currently in a very bad place mentally. I’m constantly terrified of losing him, like that mother lost her son. I also have big worries that our kids will grow up with these issues, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help them if they do.

This news story just really hit me. To think that a child could experience amounts of pain that would cause him to take his own life is heartbreaking. So is the fact that his pain came from bullying by his classmates. I know adults have always used the phrase “kids can be cruel”, but the bullies from my childhood didn’t even know how to use the phrase “you should go kill yourself” as an insult.

This news story brings all my depression to the surface. It makes me fear for my children growing up in a world where mental illness is spreading, and empathy is lacking. It makes me cry for that poor boy who was too young, and his mother who lost her baby. And it makes me angry that the innocence of a child can’t be protected from the cruelty of our society.

Again, I don’t know why this news story affected me so much. There are so many other tragic stories being reported on the news every day. But this one really hit me. Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant. Lately, I’ve been very aware of so many problems that need fixing. Both on large scales like this, and smaller scales like my personal life. I’ve been feeling like its my purpose to fix all of these problems. I just want to make things better for my family and the world around them. But I feel so helpless because I wouldn’t even know where to start.

-Sun
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Hi Sun

I think when you have suffered depression a long time, and have been at the point of considering suicide yourself, all accounts of suicide affect us - when it is a young child it seems so terrible. Like you, I was first depressed at about 12 or 13, and also first considered suicide at a young age. Therefore hearing about this boy resonates with our own experience. It is awful to feel there is no way out of suffering at such a young age, and I also find it very tragic, for the boy and for his mother and family.

I am glad you are in a better place with your own depression. I understand how it never really goes away completely, and also your worries for your husband. Do you talk with him about it? One thing your could do, while you are feeling better, is make a safety plan to put in place in case it gets bad again, and help your husband to do this too. (Sorry if this is not the right thing for you, but just in case, for example: list people close to you whom you could call when feeling desperate, things you can do which usually help you feel better, places you can go where you feel safe, details of doctors or others you could call, details of helplines, write down things you normally enjoy and reasons why your life is worth living, and instructions to phone an ambulance or go to the hospital if you are at the end of what you can bear.)

Take care

Sarah
 
S

SilentSunflower

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Joined
Aug 15, 2018
Messages
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Location
Colorado (USA)
Sarah,

Thank you for posting. A part of me feels crazy for letting the story of someone that I don't even know affect me so much. But another part of me understands the reasons that you described. A past of depression is something that never really leaves us. It helps to just have someone acknowledge that.

I've been very down and worried lately because of my husband's mental state. We have a very close relationship and always turn to the other when we are feeling down. He's been expressing to me that he is really not doing well, and it looks like he is just giving up on trying to get better. Lately, most of my mental power goes towards worrying about him and wishing that I could just magically make his depression go away.

I think that individually we both have a mental safety plan (or at least most of the items that you mentioned), but we have never officially shared them with each other. I will have to think about how to approach the topic with him.

Thank you for the support

-Sun
 
SarahD

SarahD

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I think often watching someone you love suffer and struggle is worse than what you go through yourself. I also know what it feels like when it seems all you can do is give up. Is there anyone else close who could give additional support? Sometimes a new perspective might help.

Wish you both all the best - Sarah.
 
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