J
justme88
New member
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2009
- Messages
- 2
this is just an outlet. i know the help i need can only come from inside myself. i just need to let this out before it consumes me entirely...
at this moment in time, i am so fortunate that even contemplating any negativity in my life makes me feel intensely selfish and ridiculous. i know there are people suffering through pain, grief, upset- i have such an easy life, loads of lovely friends, a great family, it's nearly christmas... and yet, i know that inherently i have issues with myself. my weight, my ability to be intimate with anyone, my moods... there are a few things at the moment which are making me feel empty like they did before, back in the summer, when my depression/ bipolar peaked.
it was never properly diagnosed, so i may be being self centred once again... but i was properly messed up. and now it's creeping back, only not sufficiently enough for me to be content. i know i shouldn’t be making things into something they’re not, I should just get over myself: but I find it so hard to face my problems and put them in perspective. so I haven’t got into oxford (at least, I’m pretty sure my interviews went appallingly…)- who cares? it’s not the end of the world… there’s this boy I really like- so nothing’s gonna happen with him, cos I was too scared to get with him, even though he came to my house- and now he apparently doesn’t like me any more. plenty more fish in the sea, right?
I’m just not feeling- adequate. I just feel empty. detached. ambivalent. indifferent. I want to cry, I want to feel… I started cutting myself again yesterday. it’s not even for attention- I didn’t roll my sleeves up today, so no one could see it. I just wanted to cry yesterday, so much. I remember the control I had over my life in the summer- but that was when I alienated everyone in my life. although, at least I had the regime, I had the work under control, I didn’t have time for intimacy or friendship. I guess that was bad- I love having people to talk to now. but the dreams I had in the summer- of losing the weight, finding the boys, meeting the friends again- they’ve all been achieved I guess. and now they’re slipping further away from me again. and I’m scared because I cant harness those feelings I had then again, and I want to. maybe I want too much…
I guess I just needed to say all this, because I feel lost and misunderstood. I know I’m indulging in self-obsession and self-deprecation, and I’ll stop once I realise how stupid I sound… I just had to say it…
at this moment in time, i am so fortunate that even contemplating any negativity in my life makes me feel intensely selfish and ridiculous. i know there are people suffering through pain, grief, upset- i have such an easy life, loads of lovely friends, a great family, it's nearly christmas... and yet, i know that inherently i have issues with myself. my weight, my ability to be intimate with anyone, my moods... there are a few things at the moment which are making me feel empty like they did before, back in the summer, when my depression/ bipolar peaked.
it was never properly diagnosed, so i may be being self centred once again... but i was properly messed up. and now it's creeping back, only not sufficiently enough for me to be content. i know i shouldn’t be making things into something they’re not, I should just get over myself: but I find it so hard to face my problems and put them in perspective. so I haven’t got into oxford (at least, I’m pretty sure my interviews went appallingly…)- who cares? it’s not the end of the world… there’s this boy I really like- so nothing’s gonna happen with him, cos I was too scared to get with him, even though he came to my house- and now he apparently doesn’t like me any more. plenty more fish in the sea, right?
I’m just not feeling- adequate. I just feel empty. detached. ambivalent. indifferent. I want to cry, I want to feel… I started cutting myself again yesterday. it’s not even for attention- I didn’t roll my sleeves up today, so no one could see it. I just wanted to cry yesterday, so much. I remember the control I had over my life in the summer- but that was when I alienated everyone in my life. although, at least I had the regime, I had the work under control, I didn’t have time for intimacy or friendship. I guess that was bad- I love having people to talk to now. but the dreams I had in the summer- of losing the weight, finding the boys, meeting the friends again- they’ve all been achieved I guess. and now they’re slipping further away from me again. and I’m scared because I cant harness those feelings I had then again, and I want to. maybe I want too much…
I guess I just needed to say all this, because I feel lost and misunderstood. I know I’m indulging in self-obsession and self-deprecation, and I’ll stop once I realise how stupid I sound… I just had to say it…