just... empty

[justme88]

this is just an outlet. i know the help i need can only come from inside myself. i just need to let this out before it consumes me entirely...

at this moment in time, i am so fortunate that even contemplating any negativity in my life makes me feel intensely selfish and ridiculous. i know there are people suffering through pain, grief, upset- i have such an easy life, loads of lovely friends, a great family, it's nearly christmas... and yet, i know that inherently i have issues with myself. my weight, my ability to be intimate with anyone, my moods... there are a few things at the moment which are making me feel empty like they did before, back in the summer, when my depression/ bipolar peaked.

it was never properly diagnosed, so i may be being self centred once again... but i was properly messed up. and now it's creeping back, only not sufficiently enough for me to be content. i know i shouldn’t be making things into something they’re not, I should just get over myself: but I find it so hard to face my problems and put them in perspective. so I haven’t got into oxford (at least, I’m pretty sure my interviews went appallingly…)- who cares? it’s not the end of the world… there’s this boy I really like- so nothing’s gonna happen with him, cos I was too scared to get with him, even though he came to my house- and now he apparently doesn’t like me any more. plenty more fish in the sea, right?

I’m just not feeling- adequate. I just feel empty. detached. ambivalent. indifferent. I want to cry, I want to feel… I started cutting myself again yesterday. it’s not even for attention- I didn’t roll my sleeves up today, so no one could see it. I just wanted to cry yesterday, so much. I remember the control I had over my life in the summer- but that was when I alienated everyone in my life. although, at least I had the regime, I had the work under control, I didn’t have time for intimacy or friendship. I guess that was bad- I love having people to talk to now. but the dreams I had in the summer- of losing the weight, finding the boys, meeting the friends again- they’ve all been achieved I guess. and now they’re slipping further away from me again. and I’m scared because I cant harness those feelings I had then again, and I want to. maybe I want too much…

I guess I just needed to say all this, because I feel lost and misunderstood. I know I’m indulging in self-obsession and self-deprecation, and I’ll stop once I realise how stupid I sound… I just had to say it…

 

[JETBOY]

Hey there

hey justme88 listen im not gonna comment on weight ,and intimisy issues
but just calm down ,it sounds like your trying to sort all these things out at once ,try and deal with each issue on its own ,try to organise them ,your young it will work out ,im sure you,ll get Some more helpful replys ,
but i just say ,dont worry ,i hope you find what your looking for ,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,BEST WISHES JETBOY

 

[DELATEXT]

biopolar is awful it consumes you and you lose control, it is very difficult to cope with, do not feel guilty as it's the illness not you !! hope you get better and an understanding doctor could help, you're not alone either good luck