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Just can't stop!!!

tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
Over the last 2 months I have self-harmed several times, but every time I have done it the urge to do more is nearly impossible to resist!! I have struggled with life in general since before Christmas with very painful on going issues that I just am not coping with!! The self harm is soothing for me!! I don't know if it is a problem that I am self harming as it doesn't really effect anyone else and I feel the overwhelming need to do it, to get away from what's going on in my head and my heart because that is where my problems lay!! I can't do anything about them, but I can make myself feel something even if it's just more pain? It's a different kind of pain that I can tolerate!! I don't care for this body so not concerned about scarring or Permanent damage I may be doing!! I'm not sure why I posted this, but maybe someone out there has been in this dark place and can tell me what I can do to get out of this torture!! :scared:
 

MarlieeB

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It's hard, it really is when you get into that place isn't it.

I was in a place a couple of months ago where I was self harming in different ways to get through the day because I thought I needed to be punished for being alive and I felt it calmed me down. I can see me getting back in that place at the moment and it is so hard resisting but I have to.

It is a problem hun and the more you do it the more dangerous it gets because that pain will never be enough for you. You say you don't care about the scars but I would say, in my opinion that deep down you do, even if you don't feel like you do at the moment.

How are the scars, are they ok? Are you keeping them clean?

I think you need to tell someone in real life what you are doing at the moment personally.

Keep talking on here as well of course :)

There are ways that you can distract yourself, here (http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/thread40239.html) are some tips you might find will help.

Please stay safe Tiger.

Marliee x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Hey, long time no see Tigerfish. :hug:

I'm really sorry that you're struggling at the moment.
I'd say that as long as you are ensuring everything is clean and taken care of, perhaps now isn't the time to put too much pressure on yourself to stop if it's helping you cope (and stopping you from doing anything more permanent :unsure:).

We're here if you want to say more about what's going on for you. It sounds like you're pretty stressed out.
Also, am just wondering if you're getting much in the way of support at the moment?
 
tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
I am sorry I have taken so long to reply to you guys!! I recently went to a meeting to get some more support and unfortunately they have written mime a letter saying that they don't feel I need any support at this time.....? I have been very upset by this and am struggling with everything else as well as having to suffer alone with it all!! It wrenched my heart out at the meeting and then to be told I am beyond help has broken me!! There is no reason in this world why I need to stop hurting myself because it doesn't matter that I do it, nobody gives a hoot about it and what's the worst thing that can happen? Death...? that's probably the best thing!! Sorry!!
 
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MarlieeB

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No need to be sorry :)

It sucks that they say you don't need support. It might be because they think that you are stronger than you think you are and can't really see how much you are struggling right now. I'm sure they don't think that you are beyond help.

I really hope you don't carry on hurting yourself. You may think that there is no reason in the world why you shouldn't stop but there is, even if you can't see it right now.

Keep on talking on here, people do care and would hate to see you in pain.
 
tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
It's what I deserve (and need!!) No one is willing to hear me out in real life (I don't mean on this forum) I feel like i've lost my voice and no matter how much I try, no one is listening!! It hurts!! I wish I could just vanish!! Cease to exist!! I wouldn't be such a problem and I wouldn't have any problems either!! I am increasingly convinced that I am in the way, even in my own way!! I am not expecting anyone to understand me because I am finding it almost impossible to do it myself!! I wish I knew where the off switch to this life is!! I would press it over and over!!
 

MarlieeB

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I know that feeling so well, more than you may think.

I'm sorry that you feel that no one is listening to you. I wish I could help you more.

I'm going to give you some advise a very wise person here gave me. You need to make yourself a bother to people, keep on badgering them until they do actually listen. If they don't listen the first time then you go back, time and time and time again. It's extremely tiring and you do get so pissed off but you need them to know your name, to keep you in their thoughts.

I know right now that you most likely don't want to bother doing that and you are most likely thinking to yourself what's the point like I was when I was told that but in the end you will get their attention.

I hope you don't press the off switch, you are worth more than you think.
 
tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
It was the 3rd time I have been referred to these people and it's the 3rd time they've torn me open which takes a while to recover from just to be told 'we can't offer you anything'!! It takes a piece of me every time!! I have done more harm to myself over the last 3 months than at most other times in my crappy life!! (I have had long periods of time where I have hurt myself more, but the last time was a good 5 years ago!) I am in a lot of confusion because I need the help, but it's very, very painful and embarrassing when I get turned away every time!! I am not strong enough to keep trying!! But then I am not strong enough to cope with this crap on my own either!! I'm trapped!! And I'm frightened!!
 

MarlieeB

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I bet it does.

It was unbelievable the amount of pain I was in after assessments, especially the last two. It took me 3 attempts to just get CBT offered to me on a one to one basis, they didn't believe that I couldn't do group and this last time I went in I didn't hold back and one 15 minute assessment turned into 2 hour long assessments (because of trauma I had revealed that I hadn't told a soul about before) and I still have to go back again for another chat. The services are pretty crap here, it took them 8 weeks to even see me after a urgent referral by a Pdoc in hospital after taking constant overdoses and self harming every day

I also keep on being sent back to GP. It's so frustrating.

When I was getting rejected I was like fuck them! (excuse my swearing there) and it took me ages to build myself back to trying again.

Anyway enough about me, this is about you.

Have you got a number for crisis team that you could ring up and say just how much you want to hurt yourself and just how frightened you actually are?

Does it make you feel better when you self harm or do you just want to do it over and over again? I'm asking that because you can find yourself in a viscous cycle where you do it over and over again because it's the only way you can get a little bit of respite for feeling so bad.

Is there anyone in real life that could come with you to talk to them if/when you get referred to them? When someone else is there they are more likely to not fob you off in my opinion

Sorry for all the questions. x
 
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tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
I actually went with a support worker this time, but it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of difference!! Got exactly the same result!! In terms of the self harm, it helps take away some of nasty stuff going on in my head!! It does work on the most part, but then I find it too hard to fight the urges because of the emotional release I get from the physical pain I cause myself!! I firmly believe that the physical pain is far easier for me to cope with that all that emotional stuff!! It's all overwhelming and overpowering!! I really want everything to just stop now!! Just stop the whole damn thing!!
 

MarlieeB

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FFS, I wish I could help more with the getting them to take you more seriously. Surely your support worker knows how much you are struggling. Do you feel they might be able to help as much as they can do in their job role?

I can totally relate to what you are saying about the self harm, sometimes (not that I am condoning it) having that release does help in my opinion but the issue is that you rely on that release too much and the more you do it the more that need, needs to be obtained and it gets more and more dangerous.

I was wondering whether you have a safety box of some point?

A safety box is a box full of things which you like and could make you feel better. For example it might have a letter that smells of your favourite perfume, some chocolate and a teddy bear. Of course every box is different depending on the person. It's just something to go to which ignites your good senses and distracts you for a little bit. There is a thread on here about it somewhere.
 
tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
I could not fault the support worker!! She has helped me so much, but she feels that I need more than what she can provide at the moment!!! I worry that I rely on her too much, if she were to leave I would be devastated!! I feel like I am just such a drain on them!!
 

MarlieeB

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I'm sure if she felt you were relying on her too much she would sort something else out. She sounds like a good one.

How are you feeling?
 
tigerfish

tigerfish

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In a living nightmare!!
Hi!! I am exhausted today!! I felt so angry and agitated that it's taken all my energy to keep it suppressed and to keep myself under control!! I don't have a temper as a rule because I am frightened of losing it and causing damage or harm!! Not concerned with what I do to me because eventually I have to release it and I tend to take it out on myself, that way I stay out of trouble with the police!! It just takes so much strength from me!!
 
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