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Just been diagnosed with an emotionally unstable personality disorder - seeking advice of others with same

  • Thread starter Somethinguninventive
  • Start date
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Somethinguninventive

Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
8
Location
United Kingdom
I'm having a really hard day today.
I just hurt so much inside and I really want to hurt myself but I know I can't.
I was recently diagnosed with a emotionally unstable personality disorder after (what i call) a slow descent into madness after my ex killed himself last year. I think I'm over the worst of the grief now, but it's hard to determine sometimes whether the pain inside is grief, or just a genuine desire to not exist anymore.
I dont want to trigger anyone by going into things too much without prompting as it's my diagnosis I'm having a hard time accepting.
My ex who took his life had BPD.
The guy I dated before him had BPD (and was extremely obsessive,controlling, emotionally abusive) and i believe my ex before that had a personality disorder too.
Then my first boyfriend I had at 16 was a narrcacist and, yeah that wasn't a good time at all. None of my relationships have been particularly good and I guess it would make sense that I'm attracting people with the same illness as me, but some of these guys caused me so much harm and hurt. Matt (who took his life) literally broke me as a person. I've always had some hope and drive that things will get better one day and I had a open heart full of love and he completely took everything from me and changed me as a person and not for the better.
I dont want to be comparedto them or to think I'm capable of doing the things they've done because we share the same broken trait. I just want to get better and be happy but this feels like a life sentence, least when I thought I just had depression i could somehow fix the chemical imbalance and live a normal life eventually after a lifetime of depression. But to be told that this is just apart of my personality, that this is just who I am as a person... fuck. I don't want it, I don't want to feel like I want to die anymore. I just want to be happy and live a normal life and now I feel like that is impossible for me and I just need to 'learn to live with it'. People who say that don't get how much it fucking hurts...
Im still on a waiting list for therapy but I know all that is, Is teaching you how to cope and manage day to day, which isn't exactly the fix I want
Has anyone else got experience with any of this?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
 
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sadgirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
1,229
Location
in my own private hell
Hi somethinguninventive welcome to the forum we are all here to listen if you need to talk we all help each other
 
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Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,742
Location
Florida
Awh Sweet heart do not cry or be distraught. I am so sorry you went through all these relationships. So sorry your boyfriend killed himself. It must be hard for you thinking about your past-so Lets think about the here and now. You absolutely seem well educated and a force for life to reckon with-especially going through what you have.

I have been torn to pieces with intimate relationships. Not sure if you have kids but I did while being shredded up emotionally, physically and mentally. My life is definitely not pretty.

Today, however I am OKAY. I have not been in a relationship for 14 teen years. A few romances and that is all. I have a 15 year old son who adores me and I live a life of peace. I still have dumb ass mental health issues but with medications I am during so so. I am sure hoping you will get some kinda of relief and be able to smile. My therapist always ask if I am smiling. I catch myself sometimes smiling and actually loving my life but not to often. I still have a long way to go for true happiness to come.

I just read another post today and the guy said after years of severe struggling he finally felt clarity and is okay. This gave me hope. I was into drugs and I could give you a long list of people who committed suicide or overdosed. My son went through all this with me. I am not sure how he understands death now. One minute my son was washing my neighbors dog and the next minute she laid dead in a hotel room. One minute a good friend stops by all the time and the next minute she is dead from overdose. Another time my son had a tutor for 3 years as a young boy and low and behold God took her away and we saw her no more. How awful is that for a kid to go through. Plus I had many more friends who died while raising my son.

I am wishing you a good future-I have one now. I stay away from alcoholics and drug addicts this seems to help. Love and hugs Jules
 
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