Just been accepted to a minimum stay of 12 weeks maybe longer if needed

[sadpunchingbag]

Hi everyone sorry i could not post i was absolutely exhausted. The day was packed maybe for not others but i am doing more each few days. Slow improvement But improvement. So i did the regular get dressed eat breakfast drone stuff then i went out with an OT AKA therapist on the bus just to see how i would be due to my last time going out near the train station when i nearly killed myself. My anxiety works in not the conventional sense i dont feel anxious but my body does i thought i was going to crap myself as a teenager in school id go 20 times a day in school. The conclusion i have come to which it will get easier but i know it will never be a point where i am comfortable. Due to past experiences i will always have a lv of paranoia which i like but i still want to be able to do normal things. Anyway so i did that i was told its a massive step forward i didn't see it that way but that is just my cognitive dissonance anything that is about me i cant see logically it all goes out the window. Also went on a really long walk that i struggled with last week it was much easier but once this gets easy i will add to it make it even longer then even longer etc. It also gave me a time to reflect and think about some thoughts and problems i am dealing inner demons and money problems. My pip was cut even though i used it because the hospital doesn't cover dietary things also i have not seen the nutritionist in 6 weeks which is sort of disgusting i think its because i dont make a big deal but it would be nice to have the same rights as everyone else.

When it comes to the money i just would of liked notice you know but dont expect common sense expect negligence. Sorry side tracked back to the walk feet was hurting like a mother fucker. I did to physio with the items i bought from amazon still waiting to a see a physio person after 6 weeks sort of bs. So i am meant to do some exercises 4 times a day others 2 i did do them all 2 times today and will do 3 today for the ones i need to gradually increase to 4 as for the ones at 2 i will increase length of time because i did the min because the amount of pain i was in. Came back sweating my bollocks off had a rest in the worst pain for like 2 hours i dont want pain killers in the day i can deal with it the nurses did come to my door worried saying you are in too much pain i said i can deal with this its a 8 but at night its a 10. my max dosage is 180mg a day so 3 doses of 60mg i only take i will only ever take 60mg at night i am going to tell the doc at ward round put it 1 time a day at night for 60mg then in a week we try 30 but if no touch go back to 60 i will gradually go down. Dont get me wrong but these physio ***** need to hurry up before i cut my foot off.

It was funny they only took notice when i said i am going to cut the feet off. Was 100% serious and did actually plan to cut a toe off to see if it helped. The nurses think i am nuts i sorta am but not the conventional crazy. back to day i then went to the gym tried lifting the same weights literally couldnt i regressed which is demoralising i know it happens but i dont like it i will go to the gym so it wont happen again i need to lessen the variance in life. weightlifting and cardio is something that grounds me. Closing it for 2 weeks is a piss take someone should of taken it over while the dude was away now. Also next week its not on for 1 week so you see my issue that would of been 4 weeks it has not be on when i would be here for 8 weeks i am not having that. By then i will go to a local gym so thats a goal. To end it off i got the right dose of meds even though the shit nurses where on at night i would broke a window. But good thing i didnt

So today was maybe a 4/10 day id say but i am delusional when it comes to myself eg too hard on myself but that is who i am

Hope you all are doing well thanks for reading for the few that actually do x

 

[Warrior]

@sadpunchingbag your in the right frame of mind for determination good on you
Even if paranoia does follow you, your still doing those slight journey's regarding the bus and walk, if you don't mind me asking what's happened with your feet? and you would be noticed thinking of chopping your feet off, what I saw a chap do once omg it was worrying all the nurses did was throw 2 buckets of water over him and told him to stop seeking attention

I've heard they can stip your money from you know to take care of looking after you sorry to hear this mate.

You'll get there regarding the gym, it's all about light weights first to suite your body and work your way up slowly, so don't try and get going mad.

You sounding good with positive thinking but don't punish your body by over doing it

 

[sadpunchingbag]

@sadpunchingbag your in the right frame of mind for determination good on you
Even if paranoia does follow you, your still doing those slight journey's regarding the bus and walk, if you don't mind me asking what's happened with your feet? and you would be noticed thinking of chopping your feet off, what I saw a chap do once omg it was worrying all the nurses did was throw 2 buckets of water over him and told him to stop seeking attention

I've heard they can stip your money from you know to take care of looking after you sorry to hear this mate.

You'll get there regarding the gym, it's all about light weights first to suite your body and work your way up slowly, so don't try and get going mad.

You sounding good with positive thinking but don't punish your body by over doing it

Thanks for the advice Warrior id leave a emotr but on phone As for my feet i currently have soft tissue damage on the bottom of both feet in other words they are fucked the muscles seezed up and dont want to worm so i gotta do physio its so painful but needed also i did have 2 ingrown toenails and a infection in both toes

 

[goodgollymiss]

Are they giving you vitamins

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Are they giving you vitamins

Just folic acid i have not seen the dietician in 6 weeks ive been here which is bad i do have what ever veg they provide for lunch and dinner when i do but the sources of folic acid they provide are not good for me for example they provide orange juice but that makes me shit like a horse so not a good idea also the bananas are always bruised and the broccali is ok at times but other its like ass

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Didnt post yesturday again this is for tuesday so i dont forget so quite a generic day did all the normal bs i did make my own breakfast. After 6 weeks waiting due to the OT keep putting it off but anyway so i did my own breakfast and lunch. Went to ward round which for those who dont know its like a meeting with the head doctor your doctor a bunch of psychologists,therapists and traniees and master students who observe. Talk about how the week wad if any negligence occured. I brought up things like my physio still waiting and what i am doing for pain which is 60mg codeine at night thats it the head doctor got really pissed off that it wad taking so long to see a physio person so he is on the case. Brought up some othet things about shoulder pain etc and a few other things i cant remember but in corralation with the things i said also the doctor asked what are some postives gave a list of things some i forgot

1 ) can go to the shop on my own
2 ) go for daily walks to the woods over 1 hour when feed are not playing up
3 ) lost over a stone 17 pounds i think
4 ) use the gym 3 times a week when its on
5 ) attend groups
6 ) taking the process seriously
7 ) went out on the bus for the first time in 5 or so years
8 ) talking with everyone on the ward mostly nurses but the odd patient of they want to
9 ) tidying bedroom as a means a schedule
10 ) cook my own meals mostly breakfast and lunch have not done dinner yet building up to that

He said so a lot of progress ? I said it doesnt feel like that but whenevrr it comes to me i get cognative dissense where i do not add the new information to what i allready know if i look at it logically i am getting better but i just cant see that or admit it to myself. The ward round ended it was good it always is just walking up the long hall way is when you get nervrs but that is it as soon as i walk in i see everyone who like which is all of them then i am in my element.

Moving on was going to go for a walk but feet was in more pain than normal must be the physio exercises. I was told it gets worse before it gets better so hopefully soon right ?

Layed around got tired out of the bloom still recovery when i went out on the bus then had the longest woods walk i have ever done then the gym that was the reason i have come to the conclusion i am sure its not folic acid i have been taking it for a few days and plus having a banana for breakfast but i need to see that cunting dietician.

Dropped off for 2 hours or so then woke up had my psych session would not miss that for the world. Went into some deep shit cried like a lil bitch then we did this core belief system page to help them build like a system of how to help me it did end on the brighter note we webt over some of my strengths i wont say.

Really embarrassing personally anyway the psychologist was really happy id imagine proud i said studf because before i said i had nothing i was good at.

So that was productive then we had a psych group that was on lonliness quite a good group to be hones only 2 people though just me and someone else it wad about this video id you go on youtube and type in lonliness its he first result.

Then had dinner layed around in pain came out spoke to nurses for 2 hours or so had meds brushed teeth put on creams and some shit to make me look younger thats it reallly sorry i dont post every day or either what i did yesturday and today in the same day but thats i do it depending on if i am fucked and want to sleep asap or can post

Love you all x

 

[Warrior]

Thanks for the advice Warrior id leave a emotr but on phone As for my feet i currently have soft tissue damage on the bottom of both feet in other words they are fucked the muscles seezed up and dont want to worm so i gotta do physio its so painful but needed also i did have 2 ingrown toenails and a infection in both toes

Sorry to hear this mate and physio should be on top of you constant especially concerning your muscles and ingrowing toe nails can be painful seen other with it, my scleroderma as messed up both my toe nails and when I cut them liquid flows out..i dread the cutting.

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Sorry to hear this mate and physio should be on top of you constant especially concerning your muscles and ingrowing toe nails can be painful seen other with it, my scleroderma as messed up both my toe nails and when I cut them liquid flows out..i dread the cutting.

Ouch how are the feet now ?

 

[Warrior]

Ouch how are the feet now ?

My right foot is a right mess under my toes blisters etc and here's one of my toes...my rheumo will have some pic's to see when my appointment come through that's how the liquid drys up and look at the break out on my wrist that had a massive blister on it.

 

[sadpunchingbag]

My right foot is a right mess under my toes blisters etc and here's one of my toes...my rheumo will have some pic's to see when my appointment come through that's how the liquid drys up and look at the break out on my wrist that had a massive blister on it.

Wow that looks painful are you on any meds for it ?

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Today started off slow i had plans to go to the cinema with the group but my stomach i would of shit myself its demoralizing you feel like a baby who needs a spare change of clothes. I am talking personall i know its wrong but thats i feel when i do it plus i dont wang to hold anyone back or drag them down. A theme for me but i will keep pushing thats life right.

So did that had a community meeting just talking about life on the ward. If anything bad happened or needs improvement thaf was good.

Had dinner etc layed around in pain for a while then went on id say the longest walk so far with another patient the one guy i like and can relate to hes a really nice guy so that was a good time.

Coming back feet in so much pain i sort of like it that to means i am pushing through mental physical barriers i just need to get through my mental barrier with starting to revise and doing math maybe in time early days still right ? Day 41 i think

Came back had meda got ready for bed did beauty routine gonna go now love u all keep crushing life

Ps you didnt do gripper,physio once?,go to gym to sign up,use gym,revise maths abacus,revise poker

ps: CHANGE THAT TOMORROW!!!!! at a few things judt try build on what you got xxx

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Today was not good actually a fucking shit day i may take a break from posting. Just reading what i wrote the next day is a downer for me. I woke up late i seem to be sleeping longer than normal maybe because i need it with more activity not sure? Was meant to go out for a walk just didnt i could lie and say the feet was bad which they was in morning but afternoon and after dinner i could all i did was lay down i saw this speech and language person who brought up a lot of feelings from school having to do these stupid fucking tests from people who dont know how to conduct the test. I remember this cunty woman would come in every 3 months always had a cold a thick accent i could never understand her and would make me do these fucking tests i had to do them today i scored above average on most thigs but some things are below. I cant fucking deal with this shit it makes me want to kill myself this part might get removed but if it does you know its about self harm. I need to do this shit every fucking week but dont want to.

Going to end off today didnt go for a walk,go to the gym,make my own dinner,revise maths, or poker statistics in a fucking terrible mood or my gripper i fucking hate this life i do not want to exist i know that when i leave here what my solution is just delaying the inevitable also the fucking physio i still waiting to see i bought the equipment but i obv need the **** to show me

 

[Lunar Lady]

Getting caught up in echoes and residual feelings from your childhood, Punch. Re-write those memories in your head - put your ADULT self back in school and speak and defend the younger you in such a way that scores are settled. I find this sucks the anger out of me - it's like I've used a time machine and gone back and corrected the past.

Doesn't matter that you didn't go for a walk. Do some leg exercises on the bed if your conscience is bothering you - side scissors, pedalling...that sort of thing for twenty minutes. Or just allow yourself a day of rest and healing

Probably a good sign that you're so frustrated and angry - that's a sign you're getting stronger and more independent and the daily routine is getting tedious. Would far rather that than you get institutionalised and far too comfortable.

Just notch it up as a bollocksy sort of day....tomorrow will be better...and we still love you and are proud of you, Punch. xxx

 

[Warrior]

Wow that looks painful are you on any meds for it ?

Sorry i'm late replying the one toe is more painful than the other and the sores which develop are at first then lose a yellow liquid with could be used for clue very sticky..looked it up it's leakage from the glands, then they go itchy

 

[sadpunchingbag]

Getting caught up in echoes and residual feelings from your childhood, Punch. Re-write those memories in your head - put your ADULT self back in school and speak and defend the younger you in such a way that scores are settled. I find this sucks the anger out of me - it's like I've used a time machine and gone back and corrected the past.

Doesn't matter that you didn't go for a walk. Do some leg exercises on the bed if your conscience is bothering you - side scissors, pedalling...that sort of thing for twenty minutes. Or just allow yourself a day of rest and healing

Probably a good sign that you're so frustrated and angry - that's a sign you're getting stronger and more independent and the daily routine is getting tedious. Would far rather that than you get institutionalised and far too comfortable.

Just notch it up as a bollocksy sort of day....tomorrow will be better...and we still love you and are proud of you, Punch. xxx

Thank you so much lunar brought me to tears a lot of old shit is coming to surface. Plus its quite intense also for the exercises i will give them a go at side scissors, pedalling thank you so much

also you said "Probably a good sign that you're so frustrated and angry - that's a sign you're getting stronger and more independent and the daily routine is getting tedious. Would far rather that than you get institutionalised and far too comfortable. " this really resonate with me it makes sense i was worried i was slipping into a deep depression again but i came to the conclusion is the codeine from the night before which sedates you plus i am on max dose 1 time a day at night for the sleep love you Lunar always on my side <3 x