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Just been accepted to a minimum stay of 12 weeks maybe longer if needed

sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Sorry did not upload yesterday. I will try recall as much as possible so i went on the PAT dog walk which is just a walk with a dog that is like a therapy dog quite a good turn out id say 7 people. Went to the gym went on the treadmill for 30 mins because i had a session at 2 pm so it overlaps which is annoying but you know either that or i wake up at 3 am to go at the one in the local community which i need to use for other reasons. Had my 2nd session of compassion therapy which for me still a big question mark on it but ill give it a few more weeks before i choose to stop or not the thing is i dont know how long i am here for so i must get as much value as possible from the place which i do anyway. But its i guess more of a serious thing. i did not go for a walk after dinner it seems to be a theme now i need to hold myself accountable dont expect things to get better or change if you dont do what is expected of yourself to reach that goal whatever it may be.

After dinner i felt extremely low like a deep depressive moment what went through my mind was. That as soon as i leave i will crumble i will revert back to old habits i will eventually end it all. what didnt help as well was i was weighed in the gym put on 1kg or just over which you may say is nothing well not when you are a normal weight but when you are obese it should not happen if you are trying to change your lifestyle i did let myself down i will fasten the rains until the end of the month i am not going to deviate from the diet or routine i have in place

also its my primary nurses last day one sunday so also i have that the one person who understands me and actually cares/helps does everything in hes power to advocate for me hes patient is now leaving which is hard
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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I thought it would be a good idea to write down what i learned in compassion therapy and psychology as a means of reference i can look back on also just to remind myself i dont want to forget
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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PSYCHOLOGY session 1#

this was on the Thursday 3rd October 2019 it was a introduction a sort of just talking about how the sessions will be structured. Which is something the last one did not do. The structure was discussed that it would consist of 3 parts which i will show below

  • The first 15 min is about general problems you had in the week & or what you learned from last week that you implemented if it worked or not
  • Then 30mins to discuss no coping mechanisms / things to try which i cant wait to try i will try ask to get multiple coping mechanisms to try i gotta maximise what i get in the small time i am here
  • Lastly the last 15mins is just generally cooling down wrapping up etc
also after that we discussed what i liked/didnt i wont go into detail because this is really personal but here are a few things. Dont lie to me. Dont make assumptions. Be on time or get someone to inform me if you are late or not going to be in Dont treat me like a idiot

lastly we discussed what goals i have which we will try overcome i cant seem to find the sheet so i will ask on tuesday on a new sheet so i have the most up to date version

that was it i will have 2 sessions a week tuesday and thursday
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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COMPASSION THERAPY session #1

this happened on Friday 27th September 2019

So the premise of Compassion therapy is sort of like CBT therapy but i was told the only difference it is slightly higher so i assume he means it is better for specific reasons. I will/have given a go here is a sort of update on what went on

Firstly we went through a powerpoint which i did not buy a lot of it but early days it ended off on being given a piece of paper with 2 stories 1 story is showing compassion to oneself the other is doing the opposite when looking at it and reading it i thought it was bullshit but after spending time with it i see what the purpose of the task was. but it is all about finding a happy medium i cant stand that fucking answer but its true not being to hard on yourself but also not being to soft on yourself so you dont do anything

secondly we spoke about a strategy called safenetting which i am sure its made up but it gave me some value the premise is say you want to go to the gym but if you dont go you will beat yourself up so what safenetting is you can say its ok i will allow myself to not go and not beat myself up but tomorrow i will defiantly go enthasis on defiantly go you must go for this to work i have had and still do have a massive problem if i miss a day i cant start something up again but i was taught some more coping strategies

Lastly we spoke about my rumination which is something i struggle with like extremely i was given a strategy that having a set time called worry time sounds retarded but you set asside 30mins or however long you need to worry about shit then the rest of the day you dont think about it and just get on with shit if thoughts enter your mind push them out i will try this because i need to use it for a while before if i know it works or not
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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COMPASSION THERAPY session #2

was on 4th of October 2019 a quick note it is once a week on friday BUT i am going to ask to change date because of my routine clashes with things which id like to avoid

Firstly we went over the key concepts from session 1 which was obviously being nicer to yourself but not letting yourself off the hook so you dont do anything, finding ways to be mindfull which is sort of enjoying the moment being fully engrossed in that moment for example have you ever been so thirsty then got a drink? you enjoy every second of it and sort of in the moment right ? a weird example but it is essentially being present in the moment for what you are doing completely focusing on that 1 thing,

Secondly we had this sheet a list of these type of actions = emotions,bodily reactions,thoughts,behaviour about 30 questions we just had to label which one is which i got 1 wrong which was rumination apparently its a behaviour not a thought because if it was a thought you would be conscious enough to know your ruminating which makes it a behaviour sorta weird but i guess its both in a weird way ? but behaviour firstly

lastly i was giving homework actually not really but i asked if i could do something which is just using the 4 types of actions when a problem arises i change 1 or more of the 4 things and see how it helps the problem i got a notepad so i will give it a go i will try fill a few pages with examples

also you get given a mini booklet which i will read every week just to go over things
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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this is for saturday i sat around most of the day sort of a low depressive state mustered up the strength. To do my washing also have a shower then went on a walk. Also was weighed put on 2 pound but then i realised i didnt but i already binged on mac donalds which was not good so i am not going to eat that shit ill just get a subway on a sunday because at least i have to walk 3.4 miles in total to get it so not a good day also didnt go gym
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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This is just for me for reference

google these things for ward round notes so i dont forget the names

  1. person centre care
  2. personalisation of care
  3. holistic care
  4. recovery focused care
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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today is my primary nurses last day i know this is the reason why i feel shitty he does not start till 9pm i will talk to him for a while then try wake up early to catch him before he goes :(

as for the day had a shower didnt go out didnt go to the gym or study so not a good day i wont go on today is a bad day
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Hi all today was better than expected in terms of productivity some pitfalls though. So for a start i woke up late due to me being up late doing my ward round notes not ideal i know but better to get it out the way woke up around 11am studied for 1 hour poker which was good throwing myself back into it also went to the gym in the hospital went on the treadmill for 30mins i have a target to beat i will tell you tomorrow how far i ran/walked,the amount of calories i burned,the time i was on the treadmill it is simple run faster burn more and travel longer distances also the goal is to run 5miles i am off by a bit but a goal is a goal. Also noticed my left toe is ingrown again which is annoying but at least i can get the surgery to correct it so i dont need to do it later.

I asked to see the foot doctor so that will take 1 week or 2 maybe even see him this week if there is a space open. Also i confronted a psychologist who i know is doing some sneaky shit it is too long to explain so i will condense it down i know from sources what the opinion of me is in the hospital from the head psychologist who used to see me which made up lies and assumptions to make me out to be the bad person in this but is not true i know she told this psychologist in compassion therapy to sneak in certain questions google hocus-pocus it is a massive trend in this hospital anyway i said i dont trust you and wont continue therapy with you because once trust is broken i cant open up to someone i dont trust so yep. Sad but it is what it is

Also just seeing 1 psychologist is enough i dont need mixed signals also they all lick this main psychologist ass and do what she says she is the supervisor so close ranks is what it is this is not be going off on a whim i know

moving on i was going to go out but ingrown toe was hurting so bad but i did do most of what i wanted

went out with the new ot for a walk she was very cold really awkward but you know i guess she needs time to warm up to me

i have a sort of packed day tomorrow which consists of gym,study poker, study abacus, psych session, walk, bed

also my dinner was not brought today they got it wrong which is terrible made a bad food choice this place makes my blood boil but shit will be shit just need to rely less on everyone and do my time

peace everyone
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today i had my second session with the psychologist

i have learned a bunch on being more mindfull in the comment which in other words is fully focusing on that task it could be such this as mundane tasks apparently there is 2 types of attention that is effected during depression/ low mood:

first one is flexible attention which is pretty much switching between tasks in day to day life with ease so for example say you need to wake up but you stay in bed most of the day and find it hard to transition to the next task of your day that would indicate you need to train your flexible attention by doing mundane tasks and being mindful and focusing of purely that thing in the moment not letting the mind wonder its hard but understand the carry over

for the second one it is called sustained attention which is a little different so it would just be a longer task say for example like reading a book if you could only concentrate for 1hour and want to eventually read longer you would practice that thing this could be even for going on a walk and just not thinking about anything trying to just be in the moment not thinking about what ever is on your mind

we also discussed my specific goals which i will write down:

  • update psychologist name on mym progress on how many times i go to the gym each week the goal is 7 times a week (update her on tuesday & thursday)
  • update psychologist on how many times i revise poker (mathematics of poker) 7 days a week (update her on tuesday & thursday)
  • update psychologist on my weight loss on (update her on tuesday & thursday)
  • update psychologist on my abacus study which the goal is 1 hour every day (update her on tuesday & thursday)
  • update psychologist on my managing stress level in day to day life (update her on tuesday & thursday)
  • update psychologist on my progress with trying out flexible attention and sustained attention strategies to increase my concentration and mindfullness in day to day things
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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here are a list of mundane tasks i will try out the flexible attention and sustained attention strategies

  1. brushing teeth
  2. taking a dump
  3. going for a wizz
  4. going for a walk in the woods
  5. eating breakfast, lunch, dinner
  6. cooking breakfast, lunch, dinner
  7. getting dressed
  8. washing clothes
  9. doing skincare routine
  10. in the gym for extended periods of time 1 hour to 3 hours
  11. getting a tattoo
  12. watching a video
  13. going to a place
  14. playing pool
  15. doing yoga
  16. listening to music
  17. doing back exercises
  18. stretching feet and legs
  19. studying poker
  20. studying abacus
  21. going for a jog
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today was sort of a big accomplishment i went on a trip which was in a busy place full of people which was similar age to me. We had fish and chips in a public resturent which was something else i accomplishment eating infront of people in a public sort of venue. So a alright day i also practiced some of the flexible and sustained attention its much harder than i thought sso its good i can keep trying it tommorrow is going to full so night all
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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F697B07B-80DE-46A0-B361-5CED87A679FE.jpegTook a pic of brightons beach i also took a rock just to Remember the moment
 
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