Just been accepted to a minimum stay of 12 weeks maybe longer if needed

sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Did not write about yesterday sorry i will try remember what i can. I had 1 panic attack when someone got too close to me on the ward it really was not a nice experience. Compared to others i have had it was not that long but never the less it was not a nice experience. Also i had one in my room broke down started crying like a baby it was brought on by memories as a kid being treated like a idiot by teachers being put into the corner secluded alone to do my work the type of inner thoughts i have are "you are stupid" "you wont amount to anything" "worthless" "deadweight" "just kill yourself" "you will never achieve anything" "not good enough" "inadequate" "retarded" "loser" "weirdo" Please dont comment it will get better or your not the things you say it doesnt help its like telling someone when they are mad to calm down it just makes it worse. Trying not to get worked out about what happened yesterday but that was some of the bullshit i felt

Also had a mac donalds only because the food in the canteen was pure filth it was a chicken done in a tomato soup it does not agree with my IBS i would of shit myself for 2 days also they had a lasanga with fish disgusting i still have not seen a fucking dietitian its pissing me off waiting 10 fucking weeks when some other patients here got seen in the first day they got here i will tell you what the advocate said today because this was meant for yesterdays post but i have more information so it makes it weird.

i didnt go to the gym i have a lot of demons that i have not been working on i have failed i let it pass me i need to work through them in my own way which is exercise and weightlifting and doing some self torture eg getting a tattoo i feel like i deserve the pain
Today was much better than yesterday but still not happy i didnt achieve anything id define as productive these are the things i didnt do:

Go to the gym
Study poker
Practice abacus

These are the only things i need to do left once i can add these to my everyday i will be in a good state then will build on iti am doing it tommorrow going to not do or speak to anyone until i done them
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today 2 major things happened for me. I will start with the bigger thing i used the train for the first time in 5 years i was actually fine. I plan next week to go to central london just to see what my limits are so that should be interesting. Me just thinking about it makes my stomach flip but no gain without pain. The second thing was i started studying poker which is a extremely big thing it might of only been 40mins but it is a start so i am proud of that. There is 2 things i need to do which is to practice the abacus daily with is next on my list and to also attend the local gym 4 times a week. then the last goal is to cook all my meals i already do breakfast and lunch sometimes so yep after that its all about keeping consistency i am going to wake up at 3am tommorrow to leave the ward at 5am for the gym so yep i will see how it goes everything is taking longer than i wanted but at least i am keeping on things also losing weight by the shit ton so that will make it easier doing activities and just generally moving around hope you all are doing cool
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Looks like i didn't upload yesterday i will try to remember what i did. From what i can remember i did not do as much as is required of myself to seek improvement. So i went out to get my haircut, went to whsmiths to get some stationary bullshit, went to subway i know its bad but i am getting sick of the food at hospital it is pure filth and i am still been waiting for 11 weeks to see a nutritionist that can get them to cook you certain food if you have dietary requirements which i do. I did walk id say over 5miles that day which may seem like not a lot but for me as a fat fuck it does so it took a lot out of me. I came back to hospital after that and slept i was really fucked there is a list of things i was meant to do but didnt i will state them just for my record

Did not do:

1 ) go to the gym
2 ) study poker
3 ) practice maths

i dont even know why i bother i really cant be fucked living
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today is currently going shit got weighed lost no weight or gained none but i still feel like shit i am not putting in enough work my bodyweight not moving is a reflection of that. I am going to go hard all next week to lose 7 pounds to see if i can hit my 3stone bench mark weightloss in 12 weeks

Now for what else is going onto today i am just going to lay around i feel like shit
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today is currently going shit got weighed lost no weight or gained none but i still feel like shit i am not putting in enough work my bodyweight not moving is a reflection of that. I am going to go hard all next week to lose 7 pounds to see if i can hit my 3stone bench mark weightloss in 12 weeks

Now for what else is going onto today i am just going to lay around i feel like shit
went out for a late walk at 8pm to 9pm ish went for a mac d i know its bad but sometimes you need something to bring you up its not going to be a habit allowing myself a cheat meal
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Did not upload sunday and monday i am going to sum it up briefly. Extrememly fucked of with the care provided here i have a huge list of problems i bring up each week but falls on deaf ears so that has gone on 11 weeks. And some other bullshit. Not to mention my primary nurse is leaving soon which literally is like my best friend here he sounds out all the bullshit the other staff do and tells me it straight. So that is sad today has already gone off to a bad start no towels available they was not delivered so cant have a shower until they come. My primary said that he is getting everything in writing so by the time he leaves everything should run smoothly. Also going to start going to the gym again shit has been hard but i just need to go get out of this enviroment for a few hours
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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going to post for today. It really was bad a bunch of people here are leaving which i poured my heart and soul out to now it will be passed onto another person i will not repeat myself of things i already discussed. By the time we get to that point they will leave because i currently have my sessions with trainees which leave every 2 months but i am just venting. Also still pissed off like extremely fucked off in a terrible mood but i just need to push through it tomorrow should be better also i did not go out today and no study or gym i will try do tomorrow i dont want this to be a habit
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today has been a really low day i wad meant to go out with an OT to central London. But she has not been in all week which only hurts because its her last week so i wont ever see her again we was both cool. Really enjoyed her company and just what we spoke about. Also i am not allowed to have sessions now with the main psychologist it has nothing to do with me she is preggerz so she cant be in a room without another person present it is a male which makes me sad but i understand but doesnt make it any less painful. Also the Student psychologist is leaving i would have sessions with the main psychologist so yep the same feelings. And to top it off my primary nurse is leaving the only guy who understands me ans fights my corner when fuckery goes on in the hospital that should not happen. So yep thats been on my mind no one here understands me the base assumption in my psych sessions are i am the problem its they say "sorry u feel that way" not acknowledging what they do as a problem i an just going to do my own thing maybe this is just the next step i cant articulate how i mean it but in the sense i will do what i feel will make me better i will tell them they are full of shit if i dont agree and speak my mind with no filter because being nice here gets you no where. Not long till the cpa its like a review of my care so fuck knows lads i may be living in a tent if i have nowhere to go i cant go home
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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what a weird day so i stayed up all last night i just could not get to sleep a lot of shit going on mentally in a bad spot right now. I forced myself to go to the gym left the hospital at 5am took me 2hours to walk to the gym this is just because i am obese,fat,disgusting,slob but i am changing that. So i walked in had a sort of introduction was told to come back tomorrow for the full one. So that is the plan tomorrow. Also i will go for a walk after dinner like how i used to 1 week ago it will be hard but i gotta throw myself back in the deep end. Also i started revising so its coming together now its just consistency which i think will be easier the more weight i lose so i dont feel like my body is weighing me down when the world is already doing that. So 1 less thing to worry about cant be bad right? I miss everyone commenting i must be getting boring LOL anyone much love people :hug:
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Today was a extremely odd day. Not sure if it was just because of the sequence of events i did ? Maybe not i was not intending on going to the gym but i forgot about a dentist appointment if i would of missed it i would of needed to wait another 2 weeks then another 2 weeks for treatment for a small filling that could of been slightly worse. So i guess i made a better choice. On the pat dog walk i spoke to the new OT students i still get the feeling they are anxious about starting in a new ward but i had a good repore with student but still not the same like the last 2 OTs i was assigned with but i assume in good time it will be the same. I had plans going to the gym after but i just have not had the energy after those 2 walks i need to be strategic in how i use my stamina its sad but its currently the reality i am extremely unfit but getting better it will get better with time so i can do more etc therefore making me lose weight.

Getting weighed tommorrow i have a bad feeling i put on weight but we will see. Also did not revise or study so not the best day id give the day a 3 out of 10 also dealing with a lot of shit and demons i do have a appointment on monday to get my tattoo started again so that is exiting right ? for me anyway it is i started it years ago 3 to be exact then stopped due to mental health nosedive but i guess getting it done is a show of progress right ? maybe or i am just full of shit it has some meaning to me i feel when it will be done not in the way i intended but like life things come out differently then what we thought it would be right ? goodnight all it can only get better i hope x
 
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goodgollymiss

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What beautiful writing. Found a good book about mental health called "voluntary madness" it's about a journalist who pretended to be sick to get into a psych ward for a year. She makes friends and develops the characters of those around her. Sometimes there are good magazine entries about being sectioned online
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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What beautiful writing. Found a good book about mental health called "voluntary madness" it's about a journalist who pretended to be sick to get into a psych ward for a year. She makes friends and develops the characters of those around her. Sometimes there are good magazine entries about being sectioned online
I think i watched a movie on that or something like that i am not a reader unless i am extremely interested in something maybe ill read it
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Just gonna give a quick update got weighed lost 1.5 pound quite bad i know why i have not been losing at the rate i was previously losing i will get back on it also i didnt shit before the weigh in so if say 2 pound weight loss i yearned a big turd but i wont accont for that
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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Just gonna give a quick update got weighed lost 1.5 pound quite bad i know why i have not been losing at the rate i was previously losing i will get back on it also i didnt shit before the weigh in so if say 2 pound weight loss i yearned a big turd but i wont accont for that
The solution to my problem of not losing enough weight is easy all i need to do is follow these steps for a week in no order:

1 ) eat oatmeal and a banana for breakfast each day even saturday
2 ) just have a sandwich for lunch with a apple
3 ) have what is provided at the hospital for dinner but do 2 things 1 is ask for a small portion 2 is dont finish the plate
4 ) just drink water exclusively
5 ) go to the local gym tuesday,thursday,saturday,sunday
6) use the gym at the hospital monday, wednesday, friday for cardio equipment exclusively
7 ) go out for a walk everyday to clear head 1 hour minimum of walking
8 ) dont have supper at night
9 ) allow 1 cheat meal on sunday which will be a mac d medium 6 nugget meal with a diet coke if i lose the weight i expect to lose for that week which will be 3.5 pounds

Thats it may seem a lot but thats what have done so far i just need to restate it for myself to go back to i am sure a similar post like this is pages ago so this is easier and quicker to find
 
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Jules5

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I see so much progress. I am so proud of you sticking in there when things get tough. Sorry about losing people you liked to be around. Will you walk to the gym? How far is it 2 miles? Wo that would be a plus. I had blood work done once and everything was out of whack I started walking a few miles a day and next blood work was perfect. Walking is good. I live out in the country no sidewalks or paths to walk down so I use this a my excuse. I see an elderly lady walking every morning she is trim and in shape she also uses a cane lol. Glad you are well and keep on posting. Love and hugs Jules
 
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goodgollymiss

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It has tartar sauce and cheese. The tartar sauce may be mayo and relish
 
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