- May 29, 2019
Today was much better than yesterday but still not happy i didnt achieve anything id define as productive these are the things i didnt do:Did not write about yesterday sorry i will try remember what i can. I had 1 panic attack when someone got too close to me on the ward it really was not a nice experience. Compared to others i have had it was not that long but never the less it was not a nice experience. Also i had one in my room broke down started crying like a baby it was brought on by memories as a kid being treated like a idiot by teachers being put into the corner secluded alone to do my work the type of inner thoughts i have are "you are stupid" "you wont amount to anything" "worthless" "deadweight" "just kill yourself" "you will never achieve anything" "not good enough" "inadequate" "retarded" "loser" "weirdo" Please dont comment it will get better or your not the things you say it doesnt help its like telling someone when they are mad to calm down it just makes it worse. Trying not to get worked out about what happened yesterday but that was some of the bullshit i felt
Also had a mac donalds only because the food in the canteen was pure filth it was a chicken done in a tomato soup it does not agree with my IBS i would of shit myself for 2 days also they had a lasanga with fish disgusting i still have not seen a fucking dietitian its pissing me off waiting 10 fucking weeks when some other patients here got seen in the first day they got here i will tell you what the advocate said today because this was meant for yesterdays post but i have more information so it makes it weird.
i didnt go to the gym i have a lot of demons that i have not been working on i have failed i let it pass me i need to work through them in my own way which is exercise and weightlifting and doing some self torture eg getting a tattoo i feel like i deserve the pain
Go to the gym
These are the only things i need to do left once i can add these to my everyday i will be in a good state then will build on iti am doing it tommorrow going to not do or speak to anyone until i done them