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Just another cosmic joke - the 80 percentile boy

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Fallout10000

New member
Joined
Jun 9, 2018
Messages
2
I grew up in a Christian home, which I took very seriously as a child till my late teens. To the point where all I wanted was to be a monk or a priest, and serve God. I was extremely dedicated, and was out to be the greatest Christian there was. I am now an atheist. My rationality and skepticism gears kicked in and fortunately, I was able to escape that horror show, that nightmare. However, life lasting impacts of my childhood remained. At this point of my awareness, the largest impact left with me is that I find it difficult to take this world, this life, seriously. I lived my entire childhood and teens dreaming of what's next, that this life isn't important, that it's a stepping stone to the next existence. I used to watch people and see them so caught up in, as I would see it, futile and insignificant things. They'd become irrate over silly and minor things... to a point where if I were faced with one of these creatures, it would amuse me, because it seemed so shallow to me. So weak. So short sighted.

Now I dream of the stars, the galaxy, the cosmos; discovering and bettering. But I'm stuck in this mudpit, dominated by shallow, narrow-minded, automatons. The human race, in its current form, disgusts me. It's a selfish species. A rotten species. I feel like we deserve nothing. We murder, we kill, we lie, we cheat, we hide, we over use, we rape; we slither and slide like a ball of insatiable snakes. Fortunately, there are the few who lift the rest of us up; the Einstein's, the Sagan's, the Bronowski's, the Harris's, the Dillahunty's, the Dawkins's, the Hopkins's, the Jackson's, the Picasso's.

I'm stuck with my genes and childhood conditioning. When I see myself, I see inadequacies. I'm intelligent, but not intelligent enough. I'm skilled, but not skilled enough. I'm talented, but not talented enough. I'm good looking, but not good looking enough. I'm well off, but not well off enough. I'm special, but not special enough. I'm a man, but not man enough. I'm am the 80 percentile boy. Very good, but short of being great at anything. This life, and it's ancient drama, caught me in its web and devoured me. I never focused on anything as a child, nor as a teen; nothing was more important than the next life. I'm a wasted being who could have been, but will not, as much as dreams now wish it. I was bound with mental suffering for the decade of my 20's. Oh, the pain. The depersonalization. The lone and broken wolf. My dear me. My beautiful self, come here and one day will go. Lost to nothingness. One of the many... cosmic jokes.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Fallout, :welcome: to the Forum. I can relate to your perceptions, although I have grown past them now. You are a perfect imperfect person reacting to religiosity with the extreme opposite. Somewhere in the middle you will find peace.
 
T

Twishi

New member
Joined
Aug 12, 2018
Messages
2
To me it was more like poetry than a joke. I share most of your present view. I'm 21, not diagnosed with dpd or drd, but my symptoms are a lot like it. It's hard to exist this way.. suffering from ourselves.. i wish you purposeful living..and i hope you see that excellence can be defined in other ways, and accepting yourself as enough..doing your best.. yes we're the plague of this earth..but there's something worthy in us too, that just might survive..may you find something worthwhile in you and outside you..
 
A

AntipsychoticREFUGEE

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2018
Messages
107
Location
London, Westmister
Yo fallout! Bit same, religious children's home and atheist now. What I was, like 6?, one of the member of stuff gave fist blows, that's life! Then the mad country made DID by mismedication and the sick addiction of mine is the reason the the country is still crying that man is crazy, yh, yh,yh. You don't get those chemicals from Saintsbury's my body is addicted to! Finland is sick! If psychiatrist gives anti-psychotics and patient masturbates with bottle, ithink the shrink ought to be in prison for not changing the meds! Can we get for e.g. hydrogen gas for Tesco, can we? So finland has been dancing on my human rights last roughly 30 years.
So fallout, you're not alone!
 
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