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Just about ready for a relapse

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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Ontario
I've put so much time and effort into quitting self-harm. I feel kinda dumb for wanting to throw that away now. I just can't get motivated for anything and sh seems like the only way to control my depression. I was so sure I could resist it but I harmed myself this morning. I know it's not good, but it feels necessary.
i'm so afraid of a relapse and yet I'm heading straight towards one, too tired to fight it anymore.
 
ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Pinecone island of happiness
I've put so much time and effort into quitting self-harm. I feel kinda dumb for wanting to throw that away now. I just can't get motivated for anything and sh seems like the only way to control my depression. I was so sure I could resist it but I harmed myself this morning. I know it's not good, but it feels necessary.
i'm so afraid of a relapse and yet I'm heading straight towards one, too tired to fight it anymore.
Its a hard journey, but try not to give in now. You've done so well. Though if you do find yourself relapsing, that's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it, as long as you're safe and have someone to talk to.

But try your best to keep keeping on. You've got this
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Ontario
Thanks, Pine. Today was easier but I'm just not up for fighting the urges when they come back. I never do any serious damage, so I consider the danger very low.
My friends listen but don't know how to react to my self-harm (even the ones who've struggled with it themselves) and I definitely can't talk to anyone in my family about it. I wish I could see my therapist more often.
 
ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Pinecone island of happiness
Yeah I get that, I managed to fight them for one day but since then, I kind of cant help it. Im glad the danger isnt too bad for you right now, and tho we dont know eachother, please promise me, that if it gets worse then you'll let someone know even if its just someone on here.

And though its hard when someone doesn't know what to say about self harm, geez I've had too many instances of that. Sometimes its good for them just to listen. After all they also may not be in a good head space to give advice. I'm just thankful someone is at least listening to you.

At any rate is it at all possible to see your therapist more often? Or can they not schedule you in?
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Ontario
I find it much more difficult to talk about self harm when I'm actively doing it. I can talk with my friends about my bipolar disorder because I've accepted that it's beyond my control, but I feel some shame for how I cope with it. I'd basically be saying "I am going to hurt myself soon" and that's really awkward for me. When I'm coping better I'd be more willing to talk about it, though if things get worse I'll try to talk to a close friend about it. You're right, having someone listen is good, and I don't expect any profound guidance from my friends.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I can talk about this with him then. My appointments are every other week but he's taking a Christmas vacation when I feel I need him more.
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Ontario
I find it comforting that I can escape my depression when I need to (through self harm) and I really don't want to 'give up' that control right now. After resisting the growing urges to sh for so long, giving in felt like such a relief. It's as if I've confirmed that I am, in fact, not suited for recovery. I know that's probably not true but it's how I feel. I'll talk about this with my therapist tomorrow.
 
ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Pinecone island of happiness
I get that, its quite comforting for me to do. When I feel alone or trapped sh feels kind of like a tight painful hug for me. Sometimes its comforting. Other times it punishing.

And certainly hard to talk about in person. With my own friends and family ive been beating around the bush, its hard to make them understand. Even if they've gone through the same thing. Which is quite strange
 
ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

ThisIsOnlyABumpInTheRoad

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Pinecone island of happiness
How did the therapy session go by the way? Ah but dont feel the need to disclose anything. I just wondered if it was a positive outcome or not. ☺
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
19
Location
Ontario
Therapy went ok. We talked about self harm although my therapist mostly just asked questions. I don't think he's figured out the best way to approach it yet. I got one more appointment in before his break, hopefully we can discuss it more then. I also have some really unpleasant recent memories that I never talk about, which I finally felt comfortable sharing there.
 
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