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just a fed up rant

T

Topcat

Guest
RANT ALERT
really negative list, should balance with positives if I can, but want to vent how totally and utterly FED UP I'm feeling about a lot of stuff.
• pain, endless bloody pain getting me down
• mood swings and beliefs making me think one thing then another - no consistency, no stability, no confidence, hard to change ANYTHING, make stupid decisions, do stupid things, get things wrong, even thinking I know myself and can manage myself but am stuck on repeat and can't get out.
• repetitive marriage problems, getting serious now,
• pressure and lack of empathy and understanding
• responsibility I just can't handle, and find hard to admit
• being weak, failing myself and my kids
• stress management totally kaput in a life full of stress
• 'modern life' is a pile of unnatural shit I don't want part of it

:mad::mad::cry:

Positives.....
• despite the above, nothing's gone horribly wrong.
• my kids are smart, clever, funny, polite, individual

That's all I got right now
 
Grape

Grape

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 2, 2014
Messages
1,213
Location
England
You are doing well Topcat, despite everything. I think it is just a matter of keeping on going, trying to change a little bit at a time.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
You are doing well Topcat, despite everything. I think it is just a matter of keeping on going, trying to change a little bit at a time.
Thank you
:cry: am just going in circles tho :cry: :cry:
I change things that aren't important then when I 'wake up' nothing's different, am still in the same place

God, how thoroughly negative
Xx
 
T

Topcat

Guest
I am stuck with the thought that at some point I started living someone else's life, I don't feel a connection to this life I am currently living, its not who I'm supposed to be.
 
M

mind_the_cones

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
62
Topcat, that's exactly how I feel... My Dad's a chartered accountant, and I was expecting to be a high flyer like him. And now, I'm just nowhere. I'm relieved I got through Uni, but I'm also annoyed because I know I could do so much better.

But I could forgive this if I were feeling happy and good within myself... which I'm not :)

(My parents don't put any pressure on me. It's my own standards I'm trying to aspire to. I know I've got some use in this World, but in this state I'm off no use to anyone. I just want to be happy...)

Matthew
 
M

mind_the_cones

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
62
Despite all this, life is not that bad. For goodnes sake, I'm in London about to go to my 4th Live NFL game! I've been a fan since I was 7 or 8, so it's a dream come true!

And I graduated from Uni, and I survived the Scottish referendum in September. Imagine what could happen if I were actually feeling well!

PS. Don't want to talk about politics, everyone is entitled to their own view. My view was 100 percent NO
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Topcat, that's exactly how I feel... My Dad's a chartered accountant, and I was expecting to be a high flyer like him. And now, I'm just nowhere. I'm relieved I got through Uni, but I'm also annoyed because I know I could do so much better.

But I could forgive this if I were feeling happy and good within myself... which I'm not :)

(My parents don't put any pressure on me. It's my own standards I'm trying to aspire to. I know I've got some use in this World, but in this state I'm off no use to anyone. I just want to be happy...)

Matthew
Same here. My parents didn't pressure me either, neither did they encourage or give much guidance, just left to our own choices (good or bad) brought up to be independent and move out, I guess.
But I expected more of myself.
Started screwing things up from before leaving school, and life choices, circumstances, whatever just carried me to here, 20yrs later.
Just don't know how or why I got here.
Am mostly pretty unhappy too
Xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,534
Location
The West Country
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling really quite pants at the moment. :hug1:

It's quite easy and quite common i'm sure to just drift through life, and one day get the sense of "Just what the hell is going on? Who am I? What am I doing?".

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom or answers, I just hope that maybe you'll be able to identify some things that you can add/subtract from your life that makes your day-to-day more pleasant. x
 
V

volnash

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
I wont come with any words of wisdom here either, as they wouldnt be my own i will however tell you to stay strong Topcat, we have talked a little before i believe atleast exchanged hellos if i remember correctly, im sorry to hear that you are feeling down and i hope that you are in a better place right now, what i usually say is that time heals many wounds, and does fix most problems i hope that to be the case here aswell.

Good luck with everything.
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Jul 28, 2010
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Out of Context
I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable right now Topcat. It sounds like perhaps your chronic pain issues are impacting every area of your life. Chronic pain must be incredibly hard to deal with. My mom has suffered with chronic pain since I was about 11 years old, and it really has affected her sleep, mood, and overall ability to cope. I wish I had some nice magical solution for you, but I don't.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Yet more negativity.......
Can't stand this pain any more, it's really bad this month. Just called the doc about pain relief because so many make me more ill, he's done a prescription for tramadol. I've taken it once, it didn't make me ill, but manic then crashed real low. But I just want a break :(
Mood heading down the pan. Keep yelling, being angry, hate myself like it. Apologies to the forum because I become angry and selfish and upset easily, tend to stay away because am at risk of upsetting folk or making a twat of myself like a spoilt selfish child needing help and just yelling at everyone :(
Familiar patterns, feeling bad feelings towards husband, hating everything that comes out his mouth, everything he does (or doesn't do), he probably couldn't do anything right, I'll find fault in everything, destroying our rocky relationship further. Find it near impossible to stop myself from all the above, I can't control it, just hide as much as poss.
Am at risk of hurting myself, or doing stupid things. Breaking things, upsetting people, my kids.
Hate this, and I think the stress makes the pain worse.
Fucksake.
How am I ever going to make anything better or different when I'm so stuck in these cycles?
 
Stripeysocks

Stripeysocks

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2013
Messages
515
Location
UK
Hey Topcat,
I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help. Instead offering hugs and comfort. Chronic pain is totally hideous and I hope the tramadol will at least give you some relief from the pain. Take it easy :hug: warmest wishes that you feel better soon xx
 
M

Mastiff mom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
1,157
Location
Washington,DC
I'm sorry you're suffering Topcat.i have Lupus and thank god I am in remission right now-- but the physical pain coupled with my mental health issues made every day and night unbearable. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.
 
Grape

Grape

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Joined
Aug 2, 2014
Messages
1,213
Location
England
When constantly cycling it is easy to lose sight of the real you. And then it makes it harder to appreciate you are ill.

I've ben stable albeit midly depressed for almost a year, so i can tell this foul mood i'm in is abnormal. I can tell that i'm ill and i keep telling myself and others that i'm ill. I rant for about ten minutes, swearing, shouting, etc, and then say sorry i'm ill at the moment. I guess it's up to the other person to accept that and be sympathetic, and not be hurt by your behaviour.

It is wearing for them if you are constantly cycling though. The blur between you and the illness becomes more difficult to decipher.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Yes, it must be confusing for others. My kids don't understand.
My husband has had enough. However he all to quickly forgets the rest of the time when I'm functioning at a higher level, coping, getting everything done, feeling happy etc etc - but I guess living with someone who is only managing like this for short bursts of a few weeks every few months is a bit crap. I expect he wants me to be this way all the time to facilitate a happy life. He doesn't understand either no matter how much I try and help him to. I don't think he wants to know. He just doesn't want me the rest of the time, just when I'm 'happy'.
 
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