• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Joining here is def triggering me - but it’s maybe not a bad thing…

A

AnnaBanana267

Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Canada
Just joined in the last couple of days. Around 2007 I was diagnosed with BPD traits, along w Bipolar II & SAD & OCD. Only recently started looking at the BPD patterns and how they are still messing up my life.
The more posts I read, the more “aha” moments I seem to be experiencing, as more memories surface that I now see are not the healthy behaviours of s.o. without BPD.
such as: not enjoying alone time, always almost needing to be in touch w another person or I feel restless and worthless. I can’t seem to validate my own experiences; I need others’ input for that. Depressed often, and too stuck to know what I should do next (though I intellectually know that housework, cooking, walking for exercise, better self-care e.g. regular showering, etc., yoga and meditation, making more friends (I know a lot of people but have only about 4 that I will let near) and doing some hobbies would be a nice balance, but I can’t seem to get myself to do much of it). I lie around a lot playing on my phone. I’ve kept talking about making changes to all this for several years now, but I never succeed in putting it into action. It’s as if I don’t see myself as being worth putting in the effort. Meanwhile my body is crumbling from lack of movement, I’ve developed pretty bad GERD, my posture is really bad from all my lying around and lack of exercise, and my diet stinks (I eat v little produce & protein, exactly what I need) I hate the effort of cooking.
I tell myself that I am lazy. Maybe I am just depressed. But I have a hard time getting up earlier in the morning as opposed to my late sleep-ins. w a plan for an active, enjoyable day. Often I am not quite sure where to start.
And then there is the relationship self-sabotaging, of course). Having Memories like when I finished undergrad and one of my best friends decided to go to school in another city rather than spending the summer with us in our undergrad university town, I didn’t speak to her for a year after that I was so upset.
And the nightmares I had I have a rope running in front of a black Background that became more and more gnarled and faster and faster. I think this is all becoming more real to me. Might explain why I’ve felt somewhat lost and directionless for most of my life, especially the last couple of years…?
No money for DBT at this time; ordered some self-directed workbooks for it just today, hoping for improvement. As I’ve been in various kinds of recoveriy in the last 28 years already (alcoholism, eating disorder), I’m hoping that this will bode well for the BPD recovery.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,106
Location
California
Hi Annabanana, this has all been sort of both a trigger and therapeutic for me too. I have been in denial of my BPD for years. Everything about it seemed to toss me away from the world. I felt as if I went for help and was thrown away instead. My concepts were distorted because all I heard was bad.

Here I have found that the people are kind. There is so much misunderstanding. I am okay and being able to communicate with people here have announced this to me. You are warm and so is most of the people who post here. I know that with help I will be okay.

We will be okay. Thank you. I don't feel so lost anymore.
 
D

Dreamseeker

Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Hawaii
I really needed to see this. Thank you for putting it all out there. I just joined as well as a last ditch effort to salvage what love I have left from my family. I don’t want to be so disconnected and controlled by my emotions. I feel so disoriented At the moment and I feel I would rather not live. I think about my son and that’s the only thing keeping me here right now. Nothing else, not even myself...I read everyone’s story and it’s speaks volumes. So thank you
 
C

Cbaedy

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
5
Location
South Africa
Thanks for sharing @AnnaBanana267 it definitely does much more good than harm in my opinion. I'm also new to this platform, but I already feel more positive knowing that there are other people out there like yourself that feel exactly like me and simply that makes me feel more connected so thank you and I hope you have a better day than yesterday!! :hug:
 
M

mixedbag

Active member
Joined
Sep 23, 2013
Messages
42
Location
Somerset, UK
About relationships. I had my biggest wake-up call in the simplest of words. I want to share it with you in the hopes it might set you free too.

Sooner or later in relationships, we have those thoughts that begin a cycle. They are: "Do you still like me?", "Are you going off me?", or even more distressing and hard to believe is "WHY do you like me?" Everyone has these thoughts, but not everyone goes the same way after.

If you're borderline you know where this goes. You start the test. You start to withdraw your affection to see if they notice. You might not call when they're expecting. You might stop being the tactile person you usually are. All to see if they notice, and above all to see how they respond. When they start responding by coming to you, it should tell you things are safe and good. But because there's been no conversation your still not sure. Eventually, the not-knowing drives you so crazy that you simply have to let them go. You'll probably finish with them in a cool calm collected voice, very convincing, very matter of fact. They're shocked beyond belief because they haven't seen any signs whatsoever.

I know this isn't just me! Here's my golden moment that I'll never forget.

It was as we were sat on the end of my bed, patching things up. We were talking through all the events in sequence. He said, "You do realize you can just ASK me my feelings right?" My jaw drops and I'm like, err, well I do now.

It's not like I didn't know that was an option, it's just the way he put it, I hadn't realized it was so accessible to me.

You see before this time-stopping sentence was said out loud to me, asking someone? I dismissed the whole idea of it because to me, putting yourself in a position to be outright rejected was about as sensible as putting your head in a lion's mouth. I'm OBVIOUSLY not going to do that, it seemed THAT senseless to me that I didn't even question my reaction. It wasn't a conversation with myself about it, it was a feeling and an instant diversion onto other thoughts of how to sort this problem out.

Having been to several therapies. I really think half the problem with trying to help those of us with childhood trauma is that our fears don't have long sentences that go with them. Our crooked responses to our fears are as fast as our instincts are. Its not a conversation it's a feeling. I think that's why therapists is not very good at changing anything. They are great at having a full-blown mental wank with you over your past, they love it, don't even care how much PTSD you're getting, they just love how fascinating you are. All the while convincing you that reliving this pain, having flashbacks, its all part of getting better. UTTER BULLSHIT.

All the things that have truly helped me in life have been simple and to the point. Not one thing from therapy changed me for the better. It only served to remember more pain, much of which would have remained forgotten if it wasn't for them. When I'm depressed there are so many more bad memories now since therapy. I wish therapists understood the problems and knew the answers instead of pretending to.

Everything that helped me came out of a short conversation. Yet people spend years in therapy and never change a single aspect of their behavior only their memory of the past is tweaked. How is that helpful? It's not.

Anyway, this may or may not be enlightening for you. Who knows, maybe other things in my life were helping it slip into place. I can tell you my fears are as rife as they ever were. But my way of dealing with it, aka asking the person's feelings instead of trying all manner of painful games to figure it out, is working out really well for me!
 
A

AnnaBanana267

Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Canada
Thank you all, my peers. Most helpful is all this feedback. :)
have a great day!!
 
AppleJacks99

AppleJacks99

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
122
Location
Arkansas
Welcome😁

I do like the people in here, a lot better than being on Facebook or Twitter. I think it's good for us to talk and share with other people we can relate to. It's a learning experience, but it's free therapy. It is nice to know you are not alone!
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
I really needed to see this. Thank you for putting it all out there. I just joined as well as a last ditch effort to salvage what love I have left from my family. I don’t want to be so disconnected and controlled by my emotions. I feel so disoriented At the moment and I feel I would rather not live. I think about my son and that’s the only thing keeping me here right now. Nothing else, not even myself...I read everyone’s story and it’s speaks volumes. So thank you
I can relate to your post more than I can say. My son is often the only thing keeping me here as well. I hope you are doing better today, and welcome to the forum, glad it is helpful to you:)
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
212
Location
uk
About relationships. I had my biggest wake-up call in the simplest of words. I want to share it with you in the hopes it might set you free too.

Sooner or later in relationships, we have those thoughts that begin a cycle. They are: "Do you still like me?", "Are you going off me?", or even more distressing and hard to believe is "WHY do you like me?" Everyone has these thoughts, but not everyone goes the same way after.

If you're borderline you know where this goes. You start the test. You start to withdraw your affection to see if they notice. You might not call when they're expecting. You might stop being the tactile person you usually are. All to see if they notice, and above all to see how they respond. When they start responding by coming to you, it should tell you things are safe and good. But because there's been no conversation your still not sure. Eventually, the not-knowing drives you so crazy that you simply have to let them go. You'll probably finish with them in a cool calm collected voice, very convincing, very matter of fact. They're shocked beyond belief because they haven't seen any signs whatsoever.

I know this isn't just me! Here's my golden moment that I'll never forget.

It was as we were sat on the end of my bed, patching things up. We were talking through all the events in sequence. He said, "You do realize you can just ASK me my feelings right?" My jaw drops and I'm like, err, well I do now.

It's not like I didn't know that was an option, it's just the way he put it, I hadn't realized it was so accessible to me.

You see before this time-stopping sentence was said out loud to me, asking someone? I dismissed the whole idea of it because to me, putting yourself in a position to be outright rejected was about as sensible as putting your head in a lion's mouth. I'm OBVIOUSLY not going to do that, it seemed THAT senseless to me that I didn't even question my reaction. It wasn't a conversation with myself about it, it was a feeling and an instant diversion onto other thoughts of how to sort this problem out.

Having been to several therapies. I really think half the problem with trying to help those of us with childhood trauma is that our fears don't have long sentences that go with them. Our crooked responses to our fears are as fast as our instincts are. Its not a conversation it's a feeling. I think that's why therapists is not very good at changing anything. They are great at having a full-blown mental wank with you over your past, they love it, don't even care how much PTSD you're getting, they just love how fascinating you are. All the while convincing you that reliving this pain, having flashbacks, its all part of getting better. UTTER BULLSHIT.

All the things that have truly helped me in life have been simple and to the point. Not one thing from therapy changed me for the better. It only served to remember more pain, much of which would have remained forgotten if it wasn't for them. When I'm depressed there are so many more bad memories now since therapy. I wish therapists understood the problems and knew the answers instead of pretending to.

Everything that helped me came out of a short conversation. Yet people spend years in therapy and never change a single aspect of their behavior only their memory of the past is tweaked. How is that helpful? It's not.

Anyway, this may or may not be enlightening for you. Who knows, maybe other things in my life were helping it slip into place. I can tell you my fears are as rife as they ever were. But my way of dealing with it, aka asking the person's feelings instead of trying all manner of painful games to figure it out, is working out really well for me!
I do the same with relationships, test them to see if they still really like me, by starting to be mean or withdrawing or making it clear I am really annoyed at something they did, probably a little thing (but then I do get annoyed at little things as it is a sign in my mind that they are going off me).

I could not ask how they feel about me, that is just too scary as they might say actually I don't want to be with you anymore or point out problems. So I can't put myself in a position to be potentially rejected.

Therapy is not for me, whenever you see anything on tv of people having therapy they all have to go through their whole childhood and growing up. Why, what do you get from that, nothing! How does that help you, it doesn't! It gives the therapist lots of information but they can't do anything with it to help you!
 
LunaBloodmist

LunaBloodmist

Well-known member
Joined
May 28, 2021
Messages
94
Location
United States
Welcome to the forum! I started posting here about 2 weeks ago now. I've been at my wit's end for a couple months. I can say it does help to be able to talk with people that know what it's like to feel such pain. Especially when the people in your life don't seem to get it. I like journaling here. I know I'm the only one that can find what I have written (besides others on the forum, but it doesn't bother me). I tell my parents and bf bits and pieces, but am afraid to reveal my true thoughts. I don't want to deal with their reactions. Some information isn't meant for them. I just started therapy....so far I like my doctor. I know I need to get outside help because doing it myself is not working. I do think it can be difficult to find the right doctor. I've been yelled at and humiliated by a therapist before, which stopped me from seeking help for a long time. Reading other people's posts gives both relief and things to think about. The awareness can be intense though. When my bf seems distant or I've come up with some crazy scenario in my head, I have to try hard not to overreact. I start thinking it's something I did or that he doesn't care anymore. I can become quite nasty because of impulsive behavior. Most of the time it's not even about me, and I feel dumb for saying anything. I try to stay busy by reading or playing a game, otherwise I can get destructive. Don't have the best habits either, but it's a work in progress. Anyway, I wish you the best, and you have my support 😊
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
Yeah, it's definitely helpful to have others who understand and aren't burnt out on hearing your problems. But it is triggering, mostly when someone is hurting really badly and there aren't the words to make them feel better. That's when I think of leaving the forum, I can't help people. Life is just too hard.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,106
Location
California
Yeah, it's definitely helpful to have others who understand and aren't burnt out on hearing your problems. But it is triggering, mostly when someone is hurting really badly and there aren't the words to make them feel better. That's when I think of leaving the forum, I can't help people. Life is just too hard.
You have been very helpful for me and I am sure for many others. When I am with a therapist, I am looking to see if they understand. It seems they are trying, but reaching and I am unable to move into reach.
I have been here in this state and even worst. When I got better, I got arrogant in my thinking. I didn't see this happening again in this way. I won't make that mistake again. I have a lot of anger mostly towards me and there's a lot going on that makes the self care for healing difficult. Sometimes, I just let myself stay in the state I am in for now. Sometimes I try hard. I have a lot to be thankful for and to enjoy. I am sorry that I am not showing a respect for that now. I want to. I like hearing positive stories and suggestions here. I want to return to feeling the positive. If I am allowed to be dramatic, I would describe here as a light that takes the time to shine down, where others don't even know exist. Thanks and I am sorry if my mood is ever a trigger. I appreciate you all. Have a great day. I am on a lunch break and am going for a walk. It's pretty outside. :hug:
 
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