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Jealousy

Crystalized

Crystalized

Active member
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
32
Location
Malaysia
Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and has been lurking around since yesterday.

I am not officially diagnosed with BPD but I have been told by psychiatrists that I had the traits. Not surprising to me, really...

Well, I have severe jealousy issue with my bf's ex-gf. Coincidentally she has BPD and had done severe damages to him and we (me and my bf) suspect that he develops PTSD from it.

My bf is still in touch with her, through emails and text chatting, like for once a month. According to him, this gives him assurance that she hasn't killed herself and calms him down because she used to threaten him with suicide so often. He had to witness the graphic details of her self-harm behavior too. If he doesn't keep in contact with her this way, he will keep having flashbacks about the horrible things she did. These are all according to him. I trust him... but you know, having BPD or BPD traits, when triggered, trust no longer exists.

I am fine with my bf having female friends or even watching porn but I have this ridiculous jealousy regarding his ex - she's intelligent, talented (artist and musician), successful and most importantly, had a deep connection and interests between them, which I don't have with my boyfriend. I know quite a lot about their history. And I know way too much for someone with intense jealousy issue.

It gets to the point that I accused him of still being in love with her, which he said was a fiction I made up in my head. I start to self-harm because I feel so threatened and annihilated and really, almost carried out my suicide plan. I know he really wants to talk about his trauma from his ex with me (because I'm his best friend too) but I just cannot no matter how much I want to help him. I get triggered so badly from it. And the guilt of not being able to help him and forcing him to cut all contacts with this ex drives me insane. I'm a bad person. :cry2:

So, how do you folks handle your jealousy issues (if you have one)? I'd like to know I'm not insane as a person and it's really my illness that's making our lives hell.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
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Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'm so sorry you're going through this. That's tough, because you're struggling with your own BPD and it's not good for you that you feel the need to self-harm. Hopefully once this is smoothed over, you won't feel that need anymore; because it sounds like that will be hurting your boyfriend, especially if he's seen it from his ex. You are not a bad person, though; please don't think that; you're just ill.

:hug1:

I think realistically, your boyfriend needs to stop talking to his ex. He should recognise and understand that, even though he cares about this woman, he can't be that supporting rock to her anymore; it's inappropriate, really. Him talking to her makes you feel really bad, and he should recognise that you're struggling and you're the person he should be focused on right now. He should be empathetic to your suffering right now and just cut off contact - maybe not forever - but until you're at a point where it's not affecting you quite so badly.

Maybe he's talking to her because of a vestigial sense of responsibility to her, but he should realise that he doesn't have that responsibility anymore, you know? And it's hurting you right now.

A partner talking to their exes is hard for anyone - and maybe some people would disagree with me - but I think it's generally not a good idea when you're in a relationship, especially if it's making your current partner jealous.

In terms of her good qualities, please don't allow those to overshadow yours; he's with you now, you know? You're undoubtedly brilliant in a vast variety of different ways, and you should be enjoying that love and not comparing yourself to someone else. Don't forget he's with you now and he's with you for lots of reasons.

I hope you can begin to feel more confident about all of this and that your boyfriend can give you the reassurance you need right now.

Do you have a therapist? I think it'd be good for you to talk to professional with regards to your BPD as you're going through a tough time with it right now.

Wish you all the best.
 
Crystalized

Crystalized

Active member
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
32
Location
Malaysia
Thank you so much.

I don't quite understand what you meant by vestigial sense of responsibility to her. Can you explain?

Actually I have the urge to make him so jealous... bad ideas have been running through my mind since that trigger. I'm a faithful lover and I don't cheat, though I must admit I enjoy attention on me from males.

I do feel very guilty that he's agreed to cut off all contacts with her because I know he needs badly to talk about the trauma with me because it's me who he trusts. I feel so selfish. I just with I had full trust in him too. He's the most caring, loving and understanding boyfriend I've had, really.

No, I don't have a therapist but I will see one next month and am looking forward to it.

Thanks for your considerate words. I feel understood.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I don't quite understand what you meant by vestigial sense of responsibility to her. Can you explain?
I meant, like... when he was in a relationship with her, he must've felt quite responsible for how she was feeling, and maybe he still feels that way, despite not being with her anymore? Like he owes her something, maybe because she might've made him feel responsible for her actions? I don't think it's a sign that he's still in love with her, at all, but it sounds as though he keeps in contact with her maybe because he feels guilty and responsible for how she's feeling, because the whole thing was so traumatic - which is wrong. It's bad for him because he needs to let go of that, if that's how he feels. That's probably as clear as mud!

Actually I have the urge to make him so jealous... bad ideas have been running through my mind since that trigger. I'm a faithful lover and I don't cheat, though I must admit I enjoy attention on me from males.
It's understandable that you'd have the urge to make him jealous to so he could understand how you're feeling. It's not a good urge, but it's human nature. It sounds as though you're a loving partner who wouldn't put him through that, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. And everyone likes attention from their preferred sex(es); nothing to worry about either. :)

I do feel very guilty that he's agreed to cut off all contacts with her because I know he needs badly to talk about the trauma with me because it's me who he trusts. I feel so selfish. I just with I had full trust in him too. He's the most caring, loving and understanding boyfriend I've had, really.
You shouldn't feel guilty because it's right for him to cut off contact at this point. And it's not selfish; it's not your fault you're suffering from BPD, and this is the best thing for you right now. I'm really glad he's agreed to cut off all contact - he clearly sees it as the right thing to do, which I think (from an outsider's perspective) that it is too.

No, I don't have a therapist but I will see one next month and am looking forward to it.
That's great to hear. That'll really help you. :)

Sounds as though you and your partner have a bright future together. :)
 
Crystalized

Crystalized

Active member
Joined
Apr 3, 2015
Messages
32
Location
Malaysia
I meant, like... when he was in a relationship with her, he must've felt quite responsible for how she was feeling, and maybe he still feels that way, despite not being with her anymore? Like he owes her something, maybe because she might've made him feel responsible for her actions? I don't think it's a sign that he's still in love with her, at all, but it sounds as though he keeps in contact with her maybe because he feels guilty and responsible for how she's feeling, because the whole thing was so traumatic - which is wrong. It's bad for him because he needs to let go of that, if that's how he feels. That's probably as clear as mud!



It's understandable that you'd have the urge to make him jealous to so he could understand how you're feeling. It's not a good urge, but it's human nature. It sounds as though you're a loving partner who wouldn't put him through that, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. And everyone likes attention from their preferred sex(es); nothing to worry about either. :)



You shouldn't feel guilty because it's right for him to cut off contact at this point. And it's not selfish; it's not your fault you're suffering from BPD, and this is the best thing for you right now. I'm really glad he's agreed to cut off all contact - he clearly sees it as the right thing to do, which I think (from an outsider's perspective) that it is too.



That's great to hear. That'll really help you. :)

Sounds as though you and your partner have a bright future together. :)
Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining. It sounds logical to me and I feel less jealousy for this. I'm not sure if that's true for him, most likely it is, because he actually assured me many times that he didn't love her anymore. I need to learn to feel less guilty too. Thank you so much. Your words make me feel like I have made the right choice for reaching out and talk about my problems. :)
 

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