Jealous, obsessive, frustrated.

[WLC]

Hello, I'm a 19 year old male and I have a few issues I've been wanting to talk about for quite a while.

I'm an extremely jealous person when it comes to girls, I get very frustrated whenever I see a girl that I'm attracted to talking to other men (this is mainly because I'm very shy, I don't seem to be able to do what most men would do normally when flirting or whatever... except when I'm very/(extremely) drunk...) I must clarify that I've never shown this anger publicly as I don't wish to embarrass myself or anyone else, but I do bottle it up, and I've locked myself in toilets a few times and thrown private tantrums (usually coming out with bruised/bleeding fists.) I also cry myself to sleep (probably self-pity) more than I think I should.

I am quite embarrassed by both of these, as I'm known amongst my closest friends (it takes a long time for me to become relaxed with people) as being probably the funniest in the group, as well as being docile and completely non-violent (I'm in no way a competitive or alpha male type). But I can just feel this frustration welling up inside of me, sometimes I find myself hoping that some idiot will pick a fight with me, even if I'll probably get completely beaten up.

I can become quite obsessed with a girl as well, I wouldn't say that my obsessive nature is anywhere near as bad as my jealousy (I've never ever thought about stalking a girl or anything as extreme as that...) but a recent example I have, is that I started talking to a girl on ::insert your favourite social networking site:: and we really got on well, and have a lot of things in common, and she has sent me some moderately flirtatious messages and asked me if I wanted to go on a trip with her (even though we live in countries that are 2-3 hours separated by plane) but I know it was a genuine proposal.

I had to decline, but then I started to think about other men that she may have invited/will meet, other people she may have been sending flirtatious messages to, etc, etc, you know the rest. And now I'm constantly checking my e-mail to see if she's sent me more messages, etc. because I'm scared she does this to lots of guys and may have lost interest in me.

Anyway, this is far too long, but I've had to get this off of my chest as I know this isn't normal behaviour for a 19 year old guy.
I've actually been seeing a girl for the past few weeks (although I'm quite sure she's now avoiding me, I've never tried to kiss her or anything, I'm just too scared. My friends say this is probably why she's not calling me back anymore; she's gotten bored...)

My friends also comment on my posture: raised shoulders and just looking generally nervous when in a social situation.

I think the point I'm trying to make, is that I seriously need to kick this jealousy and obsessive-ness (+ shyness) out, and invite some self-confidence (and normality...) in.

This was far too long, but thanks in advance to anyone who replies.

WLC

 

[Dollit]

Hey WLC if it bothers you and it's affecting your life and it's important enough to write about then it's important enough to read.

Lots of people on here have, if not phobias about social situations, then fear of social situations. And even the most confident of people have flashes of inadequacy now and then, they're just better at concealing it.

Can I just ask - is the jealousy because the girls talk to other men or is it because the other men seem so much more relaxed and know what they're doing?

I know this sounds totally trite but you are young and there is time to do something about this. But it is true, life isn't going to stop while you get back on your feet and you will find the right girl at the right time. It just may take a little time.

Keep posting and please join in, this forum is good and boosts confidence and hopefully helps.

 

[lucid scream]

Dollit's given some good advise, it would help a lot to know where the jealousy is coming from. Lots of girls out there, so maybe your upset by not being more comfortable talking to the opposite sex?

Dude, watch out for those "social networking" sites. There are a LOT of unscrupulous people on those, I know because I have a hobby that includes baiting them. She wants to go on a trip when she only knows you from the internet? That sent up a big red flag for me. I hope you havent sent her any money. Most of the time, these girls are actually groups of 4 or 5 men, who pay a girl to pose in photos and sometimes talk to men on webcams. Also, some girls will sucker men in and get them to travel to meet them, and the local businesses (cabs, hotels, restaraunts, etc.) will pay her a kickback for bringing in business. These scams can originate from anywhere, but most commonly come from Russia, especially the Ukraine, Turkey and the Phillipines.

Take care, theres no way you can in any way control (for lack of a better word, not saying your a controlling person) anothers actions. Theres someone out there who's right for you, but you can have lotsa fun looking for her.

 

[WLC]

Hi.
First I just really want to thank you both for replying.
I haven't really been comfortable with the opposite sex since I was about 15 or so (I have to clear something up, I'm a lot less awkward with girls I'm not necessarily attracted to). I suppose I do get jealous because most other guys seem totally comfortable with the opposite sex, yet I do find myself getting jealous when my "sort-of-almost-not-quite-girlfriend" talks to guys that I know are single. But, of course I don't show it, I'm not a drama queen.

I honestly feel as if I have too much bottled up frustration/anger/jealousy, and I'm afraid that one day I may embarrass myself, get myself hurt or have some sort of breakdown.

Thank you!

 

[Dollit]

No one is born knowing how to handle themselves around the opposite sex and if this kicked in at 15 that's about the time all those hormone start going crazy. It's a lot easier to be jealous when sexual feelings are involved - I doubt there's a person on here who has been one end or the other of those sorts of feelings.

You're right to want to deal with this now and I'm glad that you recognize that it could become a bigger problem in the future unless you do something. Keep posting and we'll keep giving you support.

 

[yakuza]

Hi.
First I just really want to thank you both for replying.
I haven't really been comfortable with the opposite sex since I was about 15 or so (I have to clear something up, I'm a lot less awkward with girls I'm not necessarily attracted to). I suppose I do get jealous because most other guys seem totally comfortable with the opposite sex, yet I do find myself getting jealous when my "sort-of-almost-not-quite-girlfriend" talks to guys that I know are single. But, of course I don't show it, I'm not a drama queen.

I honestly feel as if I have too much bottled up frustration/anger/jealousy, and I'm afraid that one day I may embarrass myself, get myself hurt or have some sort of breakdown.

Thank you!

Hi,

I think that you're getting the emotions of jealousy and frustration mixed up with 'confidence'.

The emotions and lack of confidence you seem to have around females seems to me,to be because of lack of experience,take your time,there's no rush.

I think it's important to keep in mind that most successful relationships begin as a friendship which in turn is a result of mutual trust.

You should take pride in the fact that,as a 19 year old male.you can express your emotions as you have,believe me there are'nt many young men that can do that.

Good luck

 

[Louise 28]

expression

Yazuka's right,
you are better at expression than so many young men, and from a ladies point of view- thats a good quality.
If only I could get some of the young people I work with to speak rather than mutter or grunt, it would be so much easier to communicate!
And not that I will be told (as Im longing for a long term partner) but, you'll find her, whoever she may be, one day. Sorry, it's just a fustrating wait, but you will get there, just hang in there!