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I've overstayed my welcome

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
93
Location
USA
I'm drowning internally and nothing I say ever makes a difference. I feel stupid for not knowing myself better, but how can I when I've done nothing good for anyone? I can't stand my voice because it makes my blood boil. I honestly hate myself because people end up agreeing with me. I'm an annoying, jealous, and naive human being. People can't stand me the same way I can't stand myself. Nothing good can happen to me now because I've done nothing but cause people problems. I don't deserve anything good in my life, I'm just meant to shunned and thrown away. I'm okay with that! If that's what I'm here on this planet for, so be it! I'll disappear and I'll make sure nobody hears from me again! I could care less if people want to know me because they'll regret that decision anyway. I don't care if I deprive myself because if that means people will be happier, then maybe it's for the better. That's why I don't want to make friends with people anymore because that's just being selfish. I was selfish with someone I dared call my "best friend" and I refuse to do it to someone else.

I don't care if my intentions seem "innocent" or "benign", I refuse to feed that part of my mind because I can't risk hurting another person again. I've only been remembered as that "weird" or "annoying" girl and it feels like a stain I can't get out. I'm sick and tired of being a nuisance to people, so I'll just disappear. I'll endure the loneliness that's my fate because it's the only thing I have left. If I remain silent, nobody can say anything. Therefore, I'm no longer a problem and I'm no longer remembered as that annoying girl I used to be.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
18,416
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
your not a nuisance at all :hug:

you havent overstayed a welcome :hug:

maybe you just have the wrong friends who dont understand? :hug:
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
93
Location
USA
your not a nuisance at all :hug:

you havent overstayed a welcome :hug:

maybe you just have the wrong friends who dont understand? :hug:
I don't have any friends. I was the bad friend. I'm punishing myself for not knowing better. I feel a lot of guilt and shame. It has been over a year now and I'm still suffering from guilt.
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
You just made a mistake. You did not do it on purpose. I am sorry you are tormenting yourself over this. You are being so hard in punishing yourself. I know how it is to hate yourself over something you are not happy with. It does not mean you deserve that though. I think you deserve to forgive yourself now.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,012
I haven’t responded because it looked like your posts were a way of you writing stuff out to understand better. I figured it was your process to self soothe.

Everyone is welcome here. It’s a very unique safe space on the internet.
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
163
Location
UK
I don't have any friends. I was the bad friend. I'm punishing myself for not knowing better. I feel a lot of guilt and shame. It has been over a year now and I'm still suffering from guilt.
What does a 'bad' friend look like? Can you give a few more specifics on actual behaviours you did to be a bad friend?

How do you "know" what people think? Do they actively tell you that you annoy them?

What can you DO to be more effective? I am thinking opposite action to the desire to avoid in case people dislike you. Because evidently, if you pull away then people will inevitably leave and then that reinforces your beliefs.

It sounds as though you are giving yourself a double dose of emotion. Primary emotion of sadness and then additional feelings of guilt or shame. It is ok to feel the way you do but what are you going to do to make things better next time? Doing the same thing eeach time will likely get the same result.
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
255
Location
Spain
Be gentle with yourself, Sicklybloom. We all make mistakes, as we are humans, and it's completely ok. There is nothing wrong with it. Have compassion for yourself, even if right now the self-hate is very strong; you have the power to forgive yourself. You may have a very harsh inner critic who maybe tells you that you deserve punishment or that you are bad, but many times these beliefs have been absorbed from our childhood; but they are no true. No child is born thinking they deserve punishment, or that they are bad/unimportant/worthless. It is a learnt behaviour; and so it can be changed. It may take some time and effort, but you can change this self-hate into self-love, as you deserve to be happy, enjoy life, and to feel in peace with your self. You deserve being loved, both by others, but mainly by yourself. I can assure you that :hug:
 
S

Scribblsandbits

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Calgary
I can empathize with your feelings, I'm not going to tell you a solution or that all of your thoughts are wrong, as I feel similar. It's as if no one else can understand the excruciating self awareness and criticism we recognize from day to day. For me, I think that a lot of people we view as "normal" are not as self aware, or choose not to be, or have learned to see the forest for the trees in that they can recognize outside stimuli that maybe causes inside feelings, thoughts etc. Whereas I cannot stop looking at myself, picking apart every imperfect thing and blaming myself for others reactions or transgressions.
You're not alone, your feelings are valid. You are not wrong, however those around you may think differently than you.
 
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