- Apr 3, 2021
I am 44 years old. Wracked with anxiety. I went through a terrible divorce 13 years ago and have never really recovered. I haven't done anything but lay in bed and work for the last 13 years. A lot of my distress comes from having a hyper critical mother who always tries to help by being harsh and truthful. She is also the only constant in my life. Recently I've realized that many of my issues stem from being overweight. I'm about 50 pounds overweight. It's all I really think about. This past month I've realized that it is not normal to literally feel every ounce of fat on your body - but I do. 24/7. I don't do "things" because I feel disgusting. I can only describe it as a constant ache that never goes away. Three years ago I went into debt and had a tummy tuck done. I swear it took away about 50 percent of my anguish. This past fall I had abdominal surgery done that ruined the tummy tuck and now I am back at square one. I have lost weight and gained weight over and over again in the past decade. Always I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I lose but with the tummy gone I almost felt confident. Now I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin again that it is almost unbearable. I know this isn't normal. There are much bigger ladies than myself out there enjoying life. Happy. I went to see a plastic surgeon about a fix and he told me that it's too much of a risk with all of the other surgeries. He said my skin would have a good chance of turning black and dying. I told him I wanted it done anyway. What is wrong with me? Does anyone else let their weight control everything? I don't mean to. But even as a child I could feel everything that was wrong with my body so strongly that I wanted to hide. How do I fix this?