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I've lost a decade of my life

A

Amalie44

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Joined
Apr 3, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Canada
I am 44 years old. Wracked with anxiety. I went through a terrible divorce 13 years ago and have never really recovered. I haven't done anything but lay in bed and work for the last 13 years. A lot of my distress comes from having a hyper critical mother who always tries to help by being harsh and truthful. She is also the only constant in my life. Recently I've realized that many of my issues stem from being overweight. I'm about 50 pounds overweight. It's all I really think about. This past month I've realized that it is not normal to literally feel every ounce of fat on your body - but I do. 24/7. I don't do "things" because I feel disgusting. I can only describe it as a constant ache that never goes away. Three years ago I went into debt and had a tummy tuck done. I swear it took away about 50 percent of my anguish. This past fall I had abdominal surgery done that ruined the tummy tuck and now I am back at square one. I have lost weight and gained weight over and over again in the past decade. Always I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I lose but with the tummy gone I almost felt confident. Now I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin again that it is almost unbearable. I know this isn't normal. There are much bigger ladies than myself out there enjoying life. Happy. I went to see a plastic surgeon about a fix and he told me that it's too much of a risk with all of the other surgeries. He said my skin would have a good chance of turning black and dying. I told him I wanted it done anyway. What is wrong with me? Does anyone else let their weight control everything? I don't mean to. But even as a child I could feel everything that was wrong with my body so strongly that I wanted to hide. How do I fix this?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
Messages
6,138
Location
England
I am 44 years old. Wracked with anxiety. I went through a terrible divorce 13 years ago and have never really recovered. I haven't done anything but lay in bed and work for the last 13 years. A lot of my distress comes from having a hyper critical mother who always tries to help by being harsh and truthful. She is also the only constant in my life. Recently I've realized that many of my issues stem from being overweight. I'm about 50 pounds overweight. It's all I really think about. This past month I've realized that it is not normal to literally feel every ounce of fat on your body - but I do. 24/7. I don't do "things" because I feel disgusting. I can only describe it as a constant ache that never goes away. Three years ago I went into debt and had a tummy tuck done. I swear it took away about 50 percent of my anguish. This past fall I had abdominal surgery done that ruined the tummy tuck and now I am back at square one. I have lost weight and gained weight over and over again in the past decade. Always I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I lose but with the tummy gone I almost felt confident. Now I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin again that it is almost unbearable. I know this isn't normal. There are much bigger ladies than myself out there enjoying life. Happy. I went to see a plastic surgeon about a fix and he told me that it's too much of a risk with all of the other surgeries. He said my skin would have a good chance of turning black and dying. I told him I wanted it done anyway. What is wrong with me? Does anyone else let their weight control everything? I don't mean to. But even as a child I could feel everything that was wrong with my body so strongly that I wanted to hide. How do I fix this?
I am a similar age to you and have noticed weight gain lately. It does seem to be a normal thing to happen, to get bigger all over, although there are some very slim older people about. There are though, many more overweight women of our age. I hate it too, but i am trying to accept it as part of aging. I'm sorry you have always struggled with this.

Stress will not help your fitness goals. I understand your mum being your only constant though. Do you dislike being alone? I see mine only once a week and try to focus on hobbies i have. I used to view my life as me wasting it, should i be doing all these amazing things? but i think now that i am doing the best i can. Maybe we expect too much from life? People used to work hard to feed and clothe their family and that was that. Without children, it all becomes confusing and we can feel lost and purposeless but i am certain we both have value and contribute, just not always sure what that is.

Do you have other family? work friends?

My goal is to get to old age, survive life until old age, and try to have some nice days and be of some help to others. Ultimately, i do focus on myself and my cat, and when i have additional energy, i give some to others.

Maybe you need to focus on your health? It is very hard i know, eating well and exercising but if you start small it could help. I am currently buying fresh veg and making sure i eat it until i am full. The vitamins from them are essential if we are to be healthy old people. I also walk to the shop and it is a long way but walking is really helping me sleep well and i feel less miserable eating biscuits if i have walked to buy them.

Keep writing
Tawny
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
639
Location
England
Not quite my area but I would just like to say that if I, a younger male, were to see an older overweight female out and about, walking or exercising, I would only think good things of her as I'd see she was trying to improve things for herself. So from an outsiders perspective you don't need to hide, but obviously there is your own perspective to work on too. Surgeries won't help long-term if you don't move much, the weight will only come back.
 
A

Amalie44

New member
Joined
Apr 3, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Canada
I am a similar age to you and have noticed weight gain lately. It does seem to be a normal thing to happen, to get bigger all over, although there are some very slim older people about. There are though, many more overweight women of our age. I hate it too, but i am trying to accept it as part of aging. I'm sorry you have always struggled with this.

Stress will not help your fitness goals. I understand your mum being your only constant though. Do you dislike being alone? I see mine only once a week and try to focus on hobbies i have. I used to view my life as me wasting it, should i be doing all these amazing things? but i think now that i am doing the best i can. Maybe we expect too much from life? People used to work hard to feed and clothe their family and that was that. Without children, it all becomes confusing and we can feel lost and purposeless but i am certain we both have value and contribute, just not always sure what that is.

Do you have other family? work friends?

My goal is to get to old age, survive life until old age, and try to have some nice days and be of some help to others. Ultimately, i do focus on myself and my cat, and when i have additional energy, i give some to others.

Maybe you need to focus on your health? It is very hard i know, eating well and exercising but if you start small it could help. I am currently buying fresh veg and making sure i eat it until i am full. The vitamins from them are essential if we are to be healthy old people. I also walk to the shop and it is a long way but walking is really helping me sleep well and i feel less miserable eating biscuits if i have walked to buy them.

Keep writing
Tawny
Hi Tawny,

Thanks for your response. As we age we become invisible...even in these forums. I feel like the weight battle is just a lost cause. I've been this way since I was a child and I don't see it changing. Any time I've lost weight it is because I've had big motivation. Around 42, I lost all motivation. No love, no purpose, no desire. I just don't seem to care anymore about that part. There is no real reason to care. My dogs love me no matter what and I don't even feel like bonding with anyone else. The piece I want to work on is loving myself now. Basically I could care less what other people think. But..I do care what I think. I mean, if I'm spending all this time with myself, I want to finally stop obsessing about every ounce of fat. This has to be some sort of mental disorder with a fix. I've been on all sorts of anti depressants and none have changed anything. Maybe I will try some vitamins like you suggest. Anyway, thanks for listening.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
6,138
Location
England
That's ok

I try to be more invisible in life and online :)

My cat here, she is amazing. I want to look nice when i go out though and i want to look clean and healthy, and not be too overweight. I am happy to have a bit of extra weight but mostly i want to be healthy.

Vitamins in foods are so important. The tablets just don't have the same impact and we need the fibre from veg too. Maybe think more about health rather than weight because i don't think weight matters much unless we are approaching a weight that is dangerous to health such as diabetes.

I think about my teeth too and how too much sugar will mean more fillings and tooth loss. I don't want to look bad as well as feel bad! :)

Do you think you have the motivation to buy maybe one piece of fruit or veg per week and eat it raw like a pepper or carrot? Maybe 1 fruit 1 veg in addition to whatever else you eat. This is what i am trying to do.
 
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