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I've got Borderline personality disorder as well as dysthymic disorder. I seek help and counsel.

D

Daedrake

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Hey all, I won't beat around the bush and be straight as much as possible.

I've been diagnosed with BPD as well as Dysthymic disorder recently. I've discovered that I've had problems for a while in my life and never really realized why before only recently.

I have changed job MANY times, most of them are too stressful because of responsibilities an/or bosses in your back, waiting for anything I could do wrong or simply stalking me to make sure I do my job because he don't have trust in me.

I've worked in restaurants, government, refineries, precious metal, mailman, die setter, lead hand, shoes repairs and that's about all I can remember atm. The longest time was at the government, and honestly, I think it was one of the "trigger" that made it harder for me in general in my life.

I've never been happy with what I do. I'll have motivation but for a brief time only. I don't like many things and I do not have a scholarship after high-school.

When I work in stressful environment, I'll get some neck pain, migraines (rarely), lack of sleep, lack of appetite, everything that goes with a depression usually. Sometimes it's worst that other, but I realize that with time, it is getting more and more present in ruining my life.

I do not want any girlfriend as every time I had one, it turned to shit and I ended up being lied to or abused (not physically). It's the same for kids. I do not want any as I do not want them to inherit what I have. I was even thinking of making sure I never have any kids by doing the operation. I know I won't have the patience to take care of someone else if I can't even take care of myself correctly so... Kids is out of the questions, sadly in a way, since my lineage will stop at me.

The main reason I am here is in hope that I can meet someone, with similar issues or with solutions to my problems. Willing to help me in giving information on what kind of work I could do, or even give me a job that would fit me correctly, if it is in the power of the reader.

I love video games and animals. I thought about streaming but having people look at me all the time and judging my every movement will be way to heavy. I thought about working with animals, but sadly I need scholarship for most of the job that recruit. Usually, I'll like a lot of things but never for too long. It come in a rush, with motivation, but when I start giving it time, it all goes away pretty fast. I have a really hard time to commit to something in a long period.

I've had dreams like being a blacksmith, but as years passed, this goal got further and further away as I lost all my motivation for the subject. I'm also quite lightweight so heavy work tend to be hard on my body. I tend to develop tendinitis or lasting pain from task that require tons of repetitions. This is one reason I currently have a hard time in the production job I currently have in a refinery, working precious metals. The ambiance is very bad as well. It's all about production, doing your job perfectly so the dude that depend of your work can do his in a good way. They also do not put budget in improving the work place since the bosses want their bonus in the end of the year.

There is also many ways I could just die doing the job. Working with many chemical substances, molten metal, electricity (induction furnace). Imagine you put a piece of gold in a furnace that wasn't dried properly... Explosion in your face as soon as it touch the molten gold. This is just an example as there is MANY way this job could hurt me than it is already doing.

It's not that I am lazy, but more that I always feel I give too much compared to what the boss see. When I feel that my work is not appreciated correctly, I completely stop giving a care. Most of the time it will put me in trouble as I tend to loose my shit and say how I feel, without pretty words. My emotions control me very often, even if I know about it and try my best to achieve the opposite, but I believe am far from being able to.

I've got 2 cats that are helping me a lot when I feel down or when I feel like my life isn't going anywhere good. I've already decided how to go IF ever I feel like it's time, but honestly, loving my cats is one of the few reason I'm still here. I couldn't imagine anyone else other than me taking care of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at my limit, keep on crying, blasting my own personality, low ego, like I'm a shit of a human being because I do not contribute to anything except asking for help or attention.

I've had a fucked up childhood. Lying mother who would steal my pay from my job when I was in high school. She would beat my sister physically, to the point she almost died, on my part, she'd drop my pants and whip me a few times if she wasn't happy. Never did homework with me, never did ANY activities. She made sure I wouldn't meet my dad before I was old enough to start understanding what she was doing. She moved to a random out of town place because she didn't like that our grand parents would take better care of us than our mother. That way she completely cut our friend and family circle. She worked night shift when I was in primary school and alone at home, scared shitless. Never any food ready for me, she didn't teach me anything about food either, and we mostly ate pasta most of the time. She told us that she never wanted us many times. She would manipulate everyone, especially me, to get a pension from a dad I've never met because she didn't want me to. As long as we were not saying anything, and were in our little corner quiet, then it was like she didn't have kids for her, and that's what she liked.

I remember when everything was fine, and when I felt that I had control over everything in my life. Now that I know that I will never be able to go back to that time, it make me sad because it's like I lost something important that is gone so deep, it's hard to pull it back up. Every time I work to get back on my feet, a few months after I feel like it's getting better, BAM, everything goes back to square one as I am drained from all the efforts to take back the control over my life.

Sometimes I'll do some sort of double depression where I'll just let myself die slowly, not eating, not drinking, feeling like shit and saying to myself "whatever who cares, I'm not here permanently anyway, might as well get weak or some disease and end it up quicker. Almost every day, I'll wish I had cancer or diabetes or whatever to lower my years left alive. I wouldn't even care if I suffered. In my opinion, I deserve it because I did and said a lot of wrong in my life.

I do not have any passion anymore, everything I seem to enjoy, never last very long. Most of the thing I ALWAYS had fun doing, are now just done by obligation as if I do nothing, I feel worse.

I am currently in long therm disability leave from work. I know that it wont be permanent, but I am so scared to go back to work because I know the environment and the job wont help me and will only make it worse as time advance. I am doing group therapy as well as seeing psychiatric professional, but honestly, the more I know and the more I realize, the less happy I am and deeper I seem to go.

Anyway, this turned out to be longer than I thought. Hopefully some people that went through similar crisis and managed to get better, will be able to tell me a few tricks or suggestions for employment. Sorry for all the whining btw. It just feel good to share it all.

Thank you in advance for reading and have a pleasant day/eve/night.
 
Acorn

Acorn

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
I’m not really sure what to say but I wanted to drop you a note to say that I read and can relate to your struggles. You aren’t alone.

I’m wondering what kind of therapy you are doing? For me a turning point was dbt because it teaches you to manage the extreme emotions that go along with bpd.

I often hope to get a terminal illness so I can die and not be to blame and feel like I deserve to suffer.
 
D

Daedrake

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Hi there, thx for the reply! My therapy is to figure out more in detail what get me and what doesn't. Like it's recent so they want me to spend time with specialists to figure out what I need the most.

I think the next course I should take is the one you talked about how to control my emotions. But I am not there yet. I can only do one thing at a time or I'll be too drained to keep going.
 
Acorn

Acorn

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
Hi there, thx for the reply! My therapy is to figure out more in detail what get me and what doesn't. Like it's recent so they want me to spend time with specialists to figure out what I need the most.

I think the next course I should take is the one you talked about how to control my emotions. But I am not there yet. I can only do one thing at a time or I'll be too drained to keep going.
Of course one thing at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself.

Are you finding your current Therapy helpful? It sounds like a good place to start!
 
D

Daedrake

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Canada
Of course one thing at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself.

Are you finding your current Therapy helpful? It sounds like a good place to start!
It's all pretty recent and I am at my 5th group meeting so far. I can't really say if it help but I can say for sure that I am learning a lot from myself. It's not always a happy discovery but at least I get to understand more.
 
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