I feel like shit. I don't even know why i am writing on here. I lost my boyfriend of 6 years 5 weeks ago to suicide, in the end our relationship was 80% arguments hurting each other back and forth. I had given up of trying to make it work by April, i still loved him but i felt everything he said was to manipulate me, to hurt me and was a lie. He lied and hurt me so much throughout the years with games, that I didn't know how to believe him anymore. He told me he wanted to kill himself, i didn't take him seriously. I didn't trust him anymore, and I was hurting. He told me he loved me and tried to talk to me and I was cold and pushed him away. He killed himself and I let him down and his last text to me was pretty much "you have let me down"........my life feels empty right now. Everyday i cry, blame myself and can't move forward. I miss him and just want to end everything to be with him. I can't believe hes gone.....everything in my life has changed. I'm scared if I age, one day he won't recognize me in heaven or love me anymore. I can't even visit his ashes to his future grave anymore, because his family hate and blame me, I don't blame them, I hate me.