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i've given up, i want to join my boyfriend in heaven

R

Regretful

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2018
Messages
1
I feel like shit. I don't even know why i am writing on here. I lost my boyfriend of 6 years 5 weeks ago to suicide, in the end our relationship was 80% arguments hurting each other back and forth. I had given up of trying to make it work by April, i still loved him but i felt everything he said was to manipulate me, to hurt me and was a lie. He lied and hurt me so much throughout the years with games, that I didn't know how to believe him anymore. He told me he wanted to kill himself, i didn't take him seriously. I didn't trust him anymore, and I was hurting. He told me he loved me and tried to talk to me and I was cold and pushed him away. He killed himself and I let him down and his last text to me was pretty much "you have let me down"........my life feels empty right now. Everyday i cry, blame myself and can't move forward. I miss him and just want to end everything to be with him. I can't believe hes gone.....everything in my life has changed. I'm scared if I age, one day he won't recognize me in heaven or love me anymore. I can't even visit his ashes to his future grave anymore, because his family hate and blame me, I don't blame them, I hate me.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,412
Location
Lancashire
:welcome: to the forum. You are not to blame for his suicide! He made a choice and went through with it. There are things underlying a person doing this and they were from within him. His familly blaming you is easier for them than realising that he needed help and they weren't able to give it at the right time. No-one could I'm afraid. You are in grief right now and I would strongly suggest (if you live in the UK), CRUSE
Cruse Bereavement Care | whocanreally help people move on in situations like this.
 
mami5

mami5

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,103
Location
North West Wales
Hi and :welcome:

I'm really sorry about your boyfriend. What he did is sad....but HE did it, not you. It was HIS decision, not yours. Whatever happened between you two...and it doesn't sound too good to me...you are NOT to blame for what he did afterwards. His family are hurting....which is only natural....and they probably have many questions which will go unanswered.....and because of that they need someone or something to blame....and unfortunately....they blame you. It does not mean they are right....it just makes life easier for them....after all they can't blame their son....that's way to painful for them. In my opinion, he was very wrong to send you that text, but try and remember he must have been quite depressed and not thinking straight when he sent it...he was ill.

Have you thought of asking your GP for counselling at all? I really think talking things through with a professional would help you. You are grieving and need support. Take care of yourself :hug: xx
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,881
Location
England
Hi,
I'm really sorry for your loss, my grandad committed suicide I'm here to listen.
Please don't blame yourself, be kind to yourself.
The Samaritans are someone to talk too, Contact us | Samaritans
Take care
 
A

AnxiousHeart88

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 17, 2018
Messages
94
Location
NorCal
I am so sorry about your loss. Don't blame yourself don't make you're life harder with those thoughts ok. I know it's hard not to feel bad but please try your best not to. My heart goes out to you please feel better.:hug:
 
T

the count

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 3, 2018
Messages
75
Location
England
this breaks my heart i wish i could make it better
 
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