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I've been like this since I can remember.

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Mykaas

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Jul 17, 2020
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Germany
Hi. So, I've been googling, and everything leads to depression. But it's not that? While when I'm stressed I do feel depressed, most of the time I'm content with life, yet since I was 6 years old I wanted to die. Death has always fascinated me and still does up to this day. Whenever I try to talk to people about this wanting to die (I am not suicidal, as I'm not harming myself or ever did. I tried committing suicide while being really really drunk, but on a sober mind never.) people say to get therapy. To be completely honest, everytime I've went to therapy, I couldn't get a diagnosis, made my mental state worse and brought me closer to being suicidal.
I just want to die, even when I'm completely happy, I always fantasize about death. My close family and friends don't accept that. Push me off to therapy, which leaves me worse off than before and actually making me suicidal. I know this is supposed to be a mental illness, but... I have no idea what this is. This causes several problems. I don't take life seriously. I want to die already. I take big risks, they do pay off, but if I fuck up my life completely I don't really care? I remember being like 7-8 years old (I was a happy child in a loving home, only recently found out what death was back then) and I was fantasizing how I would die, even practicing the perfect "last breath". I even do it today, I am in my mid twenties. Does anyone else relate to this? Being content with life, but still wanting to die? Like. I don't like the planet, I don't like people tbh as well. I find they are arrogant when there's nothing to be arrogant about. Quite annoying. I was born to die. Is this obsession? Fetish? Noone seems to be able to diagnose me.
Am I sad writing this? No
Am I depressed? Haven't been for quite a while
Stressed? Sometimes, but not right now.
Does anyone have any advice or am I like the type of person who's gonna have a mental illness named after them? Cause I haven't found this type of thing anywhere or if it's out there Noone is talking about it.
 
Direisalone

Direisalone

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Not gonna lie I tried to google feeling content ut wanting to die and it just bought up suicide prevention stuff and depression.
So maybe it is depression, an obsession or a fetish. I have no idea sorry :(

I don't even know what sort of advice to give seeing as you said you tried therapy D= Lot of smart cookies on this site though.

Thank you for sharing
 
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Mykaas

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Jul 17, 2020
Messages
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Location
Germany
No problem. Just looking for someone who might be feeling the same way. And that's the point. Whenever I Google wanting death all k get is suicide prevention lines. Instead of actual answers.
 
Direisalone

Direisalone

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I mean I kinda get what you're saying with the death thing. Like seems whatever created us or allowed us to evolve messed up and gave us the ability to contemplate our existence and think about our own deaths and mortality.
Perosnally I'm terrifed of dying and try my best not to think about it so much
 
M

Mykaas

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Jul 17, 2020
Messages
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Location
Germany
Damn. I guess I lack the fear of death.
Recently I had health problems and honestly I was hoping it was something deadly. Turns out it was pancreas infection and pretty much cured by now. They suspected cancer and that got me excited, which made my doctor nervous and made me consult a psychologist, which found nothing wrong with me. The only reason I'm writing here is so the people close to me don't get hurt. Seeking for answers.
 
Direisalone

Direisalone

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Well I hope you can find your answers and glad you're posting here so they wont get hurt. Will they hurt because of how you feel? Is there no way to try talk to them about any of this see how they feel?
 
M

Mykaas

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Germany
Well whenever I said to my family and friends j want to die, they usually ignored me or changed the subject. Said to get mental help. I come from a country that leads in suicides and people don't really understand depression. I've seen depression first hand and I know I don't have it. I don't even hide the fact of my lust of death anymore.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I don’t know that what you are describing sounds like a mental illness. It sounds more like you have a heavy fascination/strong preoccupation with death. It might not be normal but is probably not treatable as a mental illness since it doesn’t seem to fall into that category. xo, j
 
M

Mykaas

Member
Joined
Jul 17, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Germany
I don’t know that what you are describing sounds like a mental illness. It sounds more like you have a heavy fascination/strong preoccupation with death. It might not be normal but is probably not treatable as a mental illness since it doesn’t seem to fall into that category. xo, j
And how do I explain this to the people that are convinced that I am deeply depressed? I just love death. The idea, the atmosphere. I actually wanted to work in a morgue or as a mortician, but I fell in love with driving and music 😁
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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And how do I explain this to the people that are convinced that I am deeply depressed? I just love death. The idea, the atmosphere. I actually wanted to work in a morgue or as a mortician, but I fell in love with driving and music 😁
Just tell them that to love death does not make you mentally ill: it just means that you love death.
 
M

Mykaas

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Jul 17, 2020
Messages
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Location
Germany
Just tell them that to love death does not make you mentally ill: it just means that you love death.
Will try. Thabk you. Finally got some good insight from a forum I didn't expect to get anything from, maybe just find people with a common thing. Thank you very much 😁
 
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