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I've been a fool. Soon to be ex-husband of a walk-out-wife

S

SJLPHII

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2017
Messages
120
Well, this is a story of mine that I am absolutely not proud of.

Two weeks ago I was still with my caring and loving wife who tried everything to salvage our marriage on downfall. One day she left. She left becaues of my emotional absence, my negeligent behaviour towards her and irritable behaviour.

We've had some long term ups and downs and mostly downs lately. When we first married, it was probably the most stressful year of our marriage. We have known each other for 3 months tops, I was fully aware of so many incompatibilities but we got married out of love and trust. The two traits that I valued the most in our relationship. We married because we were making an international move and she wanted to come with me. She is a bit older than me and I was at a decent physical shape and pretty bad mental health (ex-military and abusive family).

She is a lovely person who I loved with all my heart but our incompatibilities added up. For example, I snore very loudly, and she is a sensitive sleeper and we never really got to sleep in the same bed. I hated that, I passionally hated sleeping on separate beds and I complained about it repeatedly. It felt like I was being punished even though that was not at all the intent. Her physical health wasn't always at best and declining and this resulted in my contempt for not being able to go out and do things together. When we moved in together initially we lived in a small apartment and she couldn't get any sleep whatsoever which resulted her getting sick frequently and I started spending more and more time emotionally absent at home, always thinking about work then when the work was discouraging, I buried myself into computer games.

One day she's had enough and asked for us to move to a bigger place, we did and we were genuinely enjoying our second year of marriage. It was a glorious year for both of us. I fell in deeper love with her and our lives. I didn't want it to end. Since I am here on a contract term, I wanted to get a secure job, preparing to abandon my career so we can stay and have a family. Then the COVID struck and job market essentially died. I was devastated. We can no longer live here forever. I promised her that I will do my best to keep us here and keep our lives as they are. Job interview after job interview, rejection came down hard on me. In the mean while my contract job was becoming less and less attractive. I was emotionally absent again. Buried in my computer games. My wife desparately tried to get me to go out and do things and I gained a LOT of weight over time but she still cared and carried us forth with all of her might. This went on for over a year until quite recently I found myself again and I started working out of home again.

In between, my wife's health declined and she had to get a surgery and I cared for her poorly because I was absent.

Whence I found myself again my contempt started building again. The sleeping apart, lack of sex and going out to do things (due to her physical health). Adding to it the building pressure to get a new job to secure our future and planning to have children. Until one day I snapped, at her. It was a vicious cycle which happened everytime it started which covered more than 12 months in total in our short less than 3 year marriage. She gets sick, I am unhappy, she gets sad about me being unhappy, and cries and then gets sick. I was miserable. So was she but she didn't say it out loud to me. We've hit a breaking point and the crying/fight session grew to a daily ordeal and she started behaving very differently.

Then a little over a week ago, I woke up with my wife gone. There was a note on the dining table indicating that she will be gone for a week or two and won't answer the phone and just communicate with me through e-mail. She still loves me and will only be back if I still love her. I freaked out! I tried call, text, tried tracking her through bank card and gmail (we had shared our passwords to everything). I tried to reach her desparately. Without success I started crying and drinking. All of my insecurities ran through my head. I drafted an e-mail finally indicating that she has compromised our trust and I would like a divorce. I've also informed her father about my decision. Instant regret! No, I still love her, I am just so confused, scared and insecure. I told her father I didn't mean it, I was drunk, angry and scared. I told her as well by e-mail.

The next day, I received an e-mail from my separated wife apologizing for breaking my heart and leaving like that and she understands that I want a divorce.

I e-mailed her that I didn't mean the divorce and that I still love her and I wish I had known why she left and if she could just talk about this. She told me that divorce is an option and that she is happy to hear that I am working on myself but wished I knew why she left. She had them written down why but believes that knowing one another is important and wished I knew. She also told me that she has officially moved out of our apartment.

I started listing why I think she left, my negligence and absence. Eventually because I hurt her (not physically) because I was so drained from crying/sick/can't do anything cycle and other stressor. I begged her to reconsider the divorce moving out and the divorce but she was firm.

I begged for counseling, I begged for a forgiveness but no, instead I got a cold "I think divorce is the best because right now, being in different country causes and married is causing a lot of financial and administrative issues, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love me or we won't be back together." This crushed my heart but I collected myself and started the process of seeking a divorce mediator and a divorce counselor and I asked her to speak with them and I. She wants divorce and heal, I wanted to make it less painful by speeding up the process. I invited her to the appointments and started processing bank account dissolution, again without a word spoken, only by e-mail.

I had e-mailed her to speak so we can discuss and take care of this and she hasn't replied. I started chatting with a female friend about this and she lectured me about what happened. My soon-to-be ex-wife left because she wanted space. That is so obvious but I didn't believe it or think it. I had completely let my insecurities take control of me, at times I thought she left for another man, at times I thought she left because she had a mental illness case, at times I thought she left because she is pregnant. She was hurt by me and needed space.

I just e-mailed her that I have been a fool and at her request I will cancel the appointments and just let her have her space because I finally realized that's the reason why she didn't and still hasn't talked to me through voice.

A terrible realization. I know that divorce is happening for the best and final. I don't think there is any hope of reconcilation, and would be a bad idea. We're just too incompatible and the past few weeks were the final proof of that. Even if she had told me where she was going and why in the beginning, this would not have happened but something else would have happened later. I am just glad there are no kids involved and I've been a fool.

I learned a lot from this soon to end marriage. I wish I had known better not to save the marriage because we were incompatible to begin with (we were just too excited and in love to believe or admit that in the beginning) but to at least have had shared a better time together and through the divorce.

I only wish in my the next partnership, I get wise enough to actually apply this knowledge. I only wish that my soon-to-be ex-wife will some day understand and forgive me for a terrible fool I have been because the companionship and home she has provided me in good and hard times, I cannot be thankful enough. I hope to god that she heals well and can move on from this mess I've created.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
18,108
Location
Nowhere
hi SJL

you keep repeating over and over that you have been a fool
as if you had sole responsibility for all this
as if you were not both in your own process with life
and unable to solve each others issues

you sound like a lovely person that needs to appreciate himself !


:grouphug: 🕯
 
S

SJLPHII

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2017
Messages
120
I wish I would stop hurting the people I love and the people who love me. It wasn't just me who caused all of this but I certainly hurt someone I absolutely and sincerely loved with all my heart. She meant so much to me and I meant so much to her...
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
18,108
Location
Nowhere
and you also felt hurt by her ...

its very difficult to be close to someone and not hurt them
when people are trying to be themselves
they will hurt each other

its not about SJ being a failure !
 
S

SJLPHII

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2017
Messages
120
Something that I really cannot get my finger on is why I as acting so mean to her at the end? She did all the house work and always looked after me and our best interest. She offered so much good things in life but why was I so focused on what we couldn't have? Why was I so impatient and why was I so entitled after all that she was doing for me? I am not like this. At times just the thought of her brought warmth and smile and laughter to the extent I would literally laugh out loud at work. At the end I would cringe at the smallest things she did "wrong".

I wanted to go out and do things with her and we couldn't and she even told me that she trusts me and would let me go out with female friends and etc. but I didn't want that, I wanted to go out with her because I wanted to share all of the special moments with her, otherwise I would have come here single, but that was okay. I was fine knowing that I was coming home into her arms and smile.

The fact that I became so mean really bothered me today until a long conversation with my parents today... She was sick about 2/3 of the time I was with her and I was just so stressed and just hated being around her when she's sick. Our marriage life revolved around making sure she gets enough sleep, going to bed early enough, respecting her nap time, hygiene (even before COVID times). If I cook anything oily, she got stuffy nose then sick from the fumes. If I made too much noise past 9PM, she would get sick from lack of sleep. It was all about making sure that she doesn't get sick.

Just a complete fatigue until I would start cringing at her stuffy nose sound and sneezing. I felt sorry for her and wanted to make her feel better when she wasn't well but she was almost always not well. Worse yet, nothing I could do about it, no more than I was already doing and things were just going to get worse. Still, how does that excuse my poor behaviour as a husband? Good people don't abandon their sick dependents. I try my best to be a good person. I love her so much and how did I get so unhappy with her even though all she did was to take care of the housework despite the sickness, hug me, kiss me and make me smile in any way she can. How can a loving husband dread being with a wife just because she is ill?

I just heard some stories from my parents about their ill siblings/parents. Apparently, my father had a sick mother who spent most of her life sick and he dreaded seeing her even though he loves her. Similar to how health care workers become "desensitized" to human suffering over time. I guess I became desensitized to how my wife felt and associated my unhappiness for her being sick with her.

My question to is that what about the couples who grow old together? I don't want to be like this, I am not like this. I don't want to get sick of a partner and be mean to her when we get old. My parents' wisdom is that usually something like that is backed up with deep love and closeness and happiness that a couple shares for a long time. My wife and I didn't get to enjoy a long time of happiness, just a short moment of very happy time together and rest struggling.

Still, I wish I treated her better. I am ashamed of how I could not have been a bit more patient. At the same time, I have to say it really hurts to take each step towards divorce but I know that it is necessary. I love her with my whole heart but I know that I couldn't live like this. Maybe in another life if she were healthier and we were both younger and had many more years of happiness.
 
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