It's too late for me

B

Borderline

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I believe I have passed the point of no return. I think the reason ECT is failing is because my desire to end my life is greater than my desire to recover. I'm not even sure there's a chemical imbalance anymore. I just want no part of this world. Every hour of every day is torture.

I spend hours upon hours each day contemplating suicide and researching suicide methods. To people who think suicide is an easy way out -- let me tell you, it ain't. Very few suicide methods are effective, and those that are require incredible courage and willpower. Most medications just destroy the liver and/or are vomited back up before they can become lethal.

It's no wonder people travel half way around the world and pay thousands of euros to places like Dignitas for assisted suicide.
 
KP1

KP1

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Its not too late for you Borderline.Are your medical team aware of how bad you really feel? If not maybe you should tell them.
I hope you start to feel some point to life soon.
Take care.
KP:hug:
 
B

Borderline

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Yes, they know. They basically agree that ECT or medication won't help me, and that I have to stop hating life in order to recover. I know in my heart that any recovering plan that depends on me for effectiveness is doomed to failure.

I have a registered nurse who I'm meeting with tomorrow, but she has not been much help so far.

I'll probably be around for a while, despite my aching desire to die. Like I said, suicide is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination.
 
KP1

KP1

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I hope you're around permanantly and I'm sure lots of other people do too.
I'm sure that there are meds which stop or at least reduce suicidal ideation. I've started on lithium but only on a very low dose so I'm going to discuss this tomorrow as I want it upped and thats to stop these horrible thoughts as well.
Take care of yourself.
KP:hug::hug:
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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Yes, they know. They basically agree that ECT or medication won't help me, and that I have to stop hating life in order to recover.
Is therapy the way forward for you then? It helped me immensely. Recovery from mental illness (or whatever you want to call it) is out there. If something's not working try something else.

You said "I know in my heart that any recovering plan that depends on me for effectiveness is doomed to failure."

Well, I said exactly the same thing over and over again....but somehow I am still here and I am glad. I feel there is a 'switch' inside me (and many people with mental difficulties have the same kind of thing, according to my CPN)...and y'know.....when it is off everything seems impossible and somehow it is impossible. But something (and we all have different somethings) was able to switch it back on....and when it's on life improves and recovery starts to happen and it's less likely to ever turn off again.

For me I had a few switches.....sorting through the roots of my problems with my CPN and psychologist.....and finding more joy in life for me instead of always thinking more of other people's feelings than my own. For me this involved diving quite deeply into creative pursuits like song-writing. And pretty much indulging whatever kept me feeling okay (internet, rest, music, this forum, yummy food, writing in my journal etc).

Feel free to ignore this, but I am just letting you know that I, for one, have come back from the brink.

:grouphug:
 
B

Borderline

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I hope you have good results on lithium. I think my doctor has mentioned that before as a possibility for me. I will look into it.

I'm kind of fortunate (in a morbid way) that only a few people would be adversely effected by my passing. But I don't want to hurt even a few people if I can avoid it.

I developed a working suicide plan within the past hour, but it will take at least another month to pull off. Maybe a miracle will happen before then.

I wish you luck regardless.
 
B

Borderline

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GrizzlyBear, I tried a psychologist before but he kind of dumped me because we just weren't getting anywhere. I basically just reported my status to him every month. But I was seeing him for anxiety and not depression.

I've jumped through every hoop any professional has set before me, but I've kept getting worse. My depression and loathing of life have gotten so strong that it's like an inescapable black hole. I can't maintain a positive thought more than a few moments. I can't even fire the neurons required for positive thinking.

That's why I volunteered for ECT. I heard such good things about it, despite the side effects. I just finished my 7th treatment today and I feel worse than I did before my 1st (due to the passage of time increasing my depression and suicidal thoughts). I have 15 treatments in total. People keep telling me to hold on, that it will work, but I don't believe it. I'm afraid it really is up to me to change it, that there is no chemical imbalance, and that I'll sabotage everything in the end.
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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GrizzlyBear, I tried a psychologist before but he kind of dumped me because we just weren't getting anywhere. I basically just reported my status to him every month. But I was seeing him for anxiety and not depression.
I saw a psychologist when I was about 19.....it didn't seem to help (I became more anxious and couldn't cope) and I quit (after a 2 or 3 sessions). I saw one when I was around 22.....might've helped if I'd stuck it out but I quit (after 2 or 3 sessions) because I didn't have the courage to face the problems I had at the time (being unhappily married) - I couldn't face hurting my then husband.....so I hurt myself instead. My third attempt (October '08 - March '09) with a psychologist (after 3 hospitalizations) came at a time when I was not afraid of anything anymore...so I could give everything needed to make it work as well as it could. I had 16 sessions...that was all I was given. I also see my CPN on a weekly basis...and he's pretty good.

You have nothing to lose in trying again, it seems...and potentially so much to gain.
 
S

saffron

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what is it that you dislike about the world, Borderline?


S:hug::hug:
 
B

Borderline

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It would take too long to list everything. It starts with the obligation of having to live. I hate the sun hitting my face in the morning, signaling the start of another day... another set of memories to accumulate.

My favorite part of the day is when I'm about to go to sleep. It means I"ll have a break from conscious living. The thought of having no consciousness at all is the ultimate fantasy for me.
 
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M

mel 1

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Hi Borderline

Hi Borderline
I am new to this forum and i have been reading your comments. My heart really goes out to you as everything you are feeling i am to. Sometimes i wonder if anyone would really miss me if i died but there are more people out there that do care than you probably think.
I am seeing a counsellor, i have had 5 sessions this time around, it is hard to start with but if you would consider giving it another ago, give it time, but you must really open up to someone before it is too late. I have tried overdosing on Diazepam and Lorazepam with alcohol, i will tell you it doesn't work so please do not try this, it only makes you constantly sick and feeling quite ill.
You really need to speak to a psyciatrist and tell them how you are feeling, by the sounds of it you are at the end of your tether. Personally i think you need hospitalising until they have found a treatment to lift you out of your depression slightly. Please consider it at least you will be safe there.
Thinking of you.
mel 1
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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Personally i think you need hospitalising until they have found a treatment to lift you out of your depression slightly. Please consider it at least you will be safe there.
I was hosptialized and I did feel safe and was, sort of, much happier while I was in there. Certainly,some other 'patients' didn't know why I was there because I seemed okay (and was, for the most part). Also....as Mel1 says, they can try a few things to lift your mood...however, if you are convinced (as I was about me) that medication is not the route you need for you you need to make sure you have explained the urgency and get regular appointments with a psychologist and/or CPN...maybe rest in hospital until something is arranged?

My CPN told me to sleep all day if that was what it took to keep me safe.

Of course, you can choose to quit....we all can....but I hope you don't and that you get the help you need.
 
B

Borderline

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My family has been pushing for me to go to emergency every other day. This is the worst I've ever been, and they are well aware of it. I hate stressing them out, but what can I do.

I've been to emergency several times in the recent past, but all they do is keep me in a hospital bed for 8 hours and then send me off for a quick psycho-evaluation. Nothing gets accomplished.

I meet with my nurse in about an hour. I'm going to have to tell her that I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and that my suicidal ideation is completely off the scale.

I find that Lorazepam (a proper dose) does take away some of the pain, but not enough to maintain a reasonable existence.

Thanks for the comments, I hope you all have better luck with your depression than I.
 
rollinat

rollinat

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I think your signature line is great. I hope that your nurse is able to help you when you tell her how bad things are for you. Is there a psych ward you could be admitted to? I don't know what the Canadian system is like, but I spent some time in hospital, sounds a bit like Grizzly Bear's experience - it did at least allow me some rest, and it sounds like you would benefit from that too. I hope to see you back on the forum again soon. Take good care of yourself.
 
Micra95

Micra95

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I don't think it is too late for you Borderline, as from my experience of severe depression there is no "point of no return", and sometimes when you seem at your worst, is when you are turning the corner.

It does sound as though you could do with extra professional support at the moment. When I was at my worst, and full of thoughts of harming myself and "not wanting to be here", I did have a couple of spells in hospital. And even in the less enlightened times of the late 70s/early 80s they did help. Infact, I'd got into such a state that they were the only option.

That was 30 years ago, and I've survived and now lead a pretty normal life with an ordinary driving job and a family. And that in my view is success.

Perhaps then a period in hospital may help. ECT can help with depression in some, as can SSRI anti-depressants. I've found Seroxat particularly beneficial for depression during periods of acute stress and anxiety. But obviously treatments need fine tuning for the type of depression. Talk therapies have also been helpful when I was at my worst. I found therapies where you had to participate in a contract, such as Transactional Analysis useful in the 80s when I was setting goals.

I think the mere fact you are on these forums, and have sought treatments means that you are a survivor, and these are important achievments. I do however, think you need more help at the moment to turn that corner.

Keep in touch, and let us all know how you get on.
 
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