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its starting to get so hard

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hiidontfeelgood

New member
Joined
May 25, 2021
Messages
1
Location
New York
My eating habits are starting to worry me a lot, like actually cause me strong feelings of anxiety. I hate the fact that I want to eat. When I go to bed on an empty stomach it makes me feel euphoric. I also know that this is harming me…causing fatigue, stress, anxiety….I ate 3 meals today (no snacks or desserts) and feel such shame. It feels like a pit in my stomach. But its also scary when I don’t eat, scary to feel malnourished like I often do, scary to see that none of my pants fit me anymore, scary to see my legs fade away. Im not sure why both eating and not eating is so scary. I just feel like I need to be the skinniest out of everyone, even if that means hurting myself. I want to be sick, I want people to see how badly this is effecting me, I want people to tell me I look too skinny…and I don’t think I’ve reached that point yet, which is all I really want. Ive had an eating disorder for years now and not one single person reallllyyy knows. Its hard going through this all alone but thats kind of the only option…I feel like if I tell people they won’t understand. Or maybe I don’t want to speak about it because I don’t feel like I’m sick enough for people to care. But all I do is think and worry about food and my body. I can’t see myself having a good relationship with food. Yesterday I ate so much more than usual and the guilt I feel today and still will for the next few days is so immense. I walked 6 miles today to try to combat it, but still feel fat. Summer is coming, no one has seen me in a bikini in months…I want people to notice all the work I’ve put into myself, even if its not healthy. It makes me feel so bummed when my mom talks about anorexia as if it hasn’t been taking a toll on me for over a year. I do not wish to be better I wish to be sicker, which is how I know I am sick. Im just so frustrated right now. I went to the doctor and I'm underweight (especially since I’m 5’10), I wished it was lower. I wish the doctor asked if I was ok, the fact that she didn’t makes me feel like I’m not skinny enough. I literally just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
 
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Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
438
Welcome to the forum hiidontfeelgood. A tough question do you want to be seen as the 'skinniest out of everyone'? or do you wish to be seen as 'sick'? or maybe both of these?

I ask because each of these may involve different journeys, pleasures, challenges and destinations.
 
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emd2033

Member
Joined
May 26, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Australia
I can so so relate to these words :( I have felt those things and thought those things, this could have been my post one year back. I didn't want anyone to know either, but I wanted them to think I was sick. I ended up telling one friend who I trusted because it got to a point where I was scared what was happening. And honestly talking with her and just being able to be heard and cared about helped me so much in getting the help I needed. She was that extra voice of reason that helped my combat the ED thoughts. Do you have anyone in your life that you think would be supportive, even if they don't understand EDs? Everyone who I've talked to never understands at first, but that doesn't mean that they haven't then learned and become familiar with how my ED pushed me around. It can be so powerful just sharing our struggles and being accepted despite it. EDs thrive off secrecy. xx
 
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Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
438
Yes, there are people who understand and people who would be willing to learn to understand. The forum is a good place because there are a lot of people like that here.
 

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