- May 25, 2021
- New York
My eating habits are starting to worry me a lot, like actually cause me strong feelings of anxiety. I hate the fact that I want to eat. When I go to bed on an empty stomach it makes me feel euphoric. I also know that this is harming me…causing fatigue, stress, anxiety….I ate 3 meals today (no snacks or desserts) and feel such shame. It feels like a pit in my stomach. But its also scary when I don’t eat, scary to feel malnourished like I often do, scary to see that none of my pants fit me anymore, scary to see my legs fade away. Im not sure why both eating and not eating is so scary. I just feel like I need to be the skinniest out of everyone, even if that means hurting myself. I want to be sick, I want people to see how badly this is effecting me, I want people to tell me I look too skinny…and I don’t think I’ve reached that point yet, which is all I really want. Ive had an eating disorder for years now and not one single person reallllyyy knows. Its hard going through this all alone but thats kind of the only option…I feel like if I tell people they won’t understand. Or maybe I don’t want to speak about it because I don’t feel like I’m sick enough for people to care. But all I do is think and worry about food and my body. I can’t see myself having a good relationship with food. Yesterday I ate so much more than usual and the guilt I feel today and still will for the next few days is so immense. I walked 6 miles today to try to combat it, but still feel fat. Summer is coming, no one has seen me in a bikini in months…I want people to notice all the work I’ve put into myself, even if its not healthy. It makes me feel so bummed when my mom talks about anorexia as if it hasn’t been taking a toll on me for over a year. I do not wish to be better I wish to be sicker, which is how I know I am sick. Im just so frustrated right now. I went to the doctor and I'm underweight (especially since I’m 5’10), I wished it was lower. I wish the doctor asked if I was ok, the fact that she didn’t makes me feel like I’m not skinny enough. I literally just want to scream at the top of my lungs.