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It's going to be a LONG one oops so sorry

M

mugias

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Spain
(I haven't found any guidelines about trigger warnings and such, but TW: suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts I guess)

Hello everyone, very sorry to jump right into the thick of it but here we go. Also so sorry, English is not my native language. I do OK I guess but please excuse any errors. Thing is, for a good while now (and more intensely in recent times) I have been all over that suicidal ideation, but in like, a super chill way. And at this point in my post I don’t know what my question is, but I guess we’ll find out.

So, I’m a 29 yo guy with major depression, some anxiety issues here and there, and a mixed personality disorder with strong schizoid and avoidant traits (somehow). Anxiety is very rarely an issue, since I ended up getting kind of hooked on panic attacks somehow. I would get really pent up after months of repressing absolutely everything and then I would have a big panic attack and it would be awful, but after it ended I would feel exhausted and very clean inside. So obviously somehow I ended up punishing myself by denying myself panic attacks? I think?

As for the personality disorder stuff, well, I don’t even know. I am terrible at connecting with others, and honestly it doesn’t bother me much because I am way more comfortable loving people from the safe distance that only occasionally interacting with them can give you. I derive endless fun from hating myself over how little I care about human connection though.

The depression is trickier I guess. It doesn’t come from a hard life, let me tell you that (although obviously the “I am depressed but I have no right to be” is a goldmine, self-loathingwise). Apparently it has an organic cause, some way in which my brain is wired, that causes it. When I first got a diagnosis I looked back and I didn’t remember a time when 1. I was aware of what feelings were and the fact that I had them, and 2. I didn’t feel what I now know are the symptoms of depression. Due to the aforementioned organic cause, it doesn’t really have any long term solution. I can be better, I can even be well, but at the end of the day the ceiling of my mental well-being is, and always will be, pretty low.

I did attempt suicide a few years ago, and it was a shitshow. I had been in therapy for a while, and while it wasn’t going well I managed to once again fool everyone enough to get some breathing space, and then for the first time suicidal ideation became suicidal resolution, and it felt so right. So I went ahead and planned a lot and then tried to put the plan in action and it went badly, and ended up spending a little time in a ward. I also managed to somehow hide all evidence that I had been planning on killing myself for a while, that it wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment overdramatic gesture.

I got out, got on meds and therapy for realsies, and did the work. Then I kept doing the work. And then I started to pretend to do the work, and finally I just stopped therapy under the guise that I was taking a break from it. Since I have always kept my distance, emotionally, it was really easy to hide that it was all pretend. There were bad times, and terrible times, and not-so-bad times, and there was even a moment in there when I thought I was going to make it (I didn’t make it). And here I am now.

And the thing is, right now I am very far from the worst I’ve ever been. But a big part of it is that I don’t care about life, and I can only fake it for so long. I don’t have much on the way of dreams or motivations or energy, and what felt so great I think about attempting suicide (not the attempting part I guess though) was that I wasn’t going to have to do all the required things to live anymore. It felt great to surrender and admit that I didn’t want to make anything with my life, and then go “well let’s do something about that then”. And while my… well, my mood and my mental health have improved heaps since then, my motivation levels are the same. I don’t have dreams, I don’t have ambitions, I don’t have desires. I don’t even have hobbies. All I do is watch life go by, content not to be a part of it.

So here I am, a few years later. I feel so much better, in so many ways, but the truth is that I feel like I pulled the trigger back then and I am still waiting to drop dead, so what’s really the point of anything. Like I said, I am 29. I am also unemployed, I still live at home, and I have dropped out of college TWICE. I have continued my education (not college-level though), but I feel like is not so much about improving myself as it is about stalling for time and avoiding an adulthood that, let’s be honest here, has been here for a while now. My peers are getting their shit together, and I have no desire to do so. It’s honestly such a bummer to do things. I don’t care much for it, really.

And as I approach 30 and I continue to be depressed, and uneducated, and unemployed, and with no hobbies and no passions and no ambitions and no real desire for human connection, I become more and more aware that there are only two things holding be back from another try at the good ol’ suicide. One, I have pets and I love them very much. Two, I am historically bad at suicide and honestly if you survive everything is such a bummer for everyone and I don’t want to deal with that.

I… guess that’s all of it. I still haven’t asked any questions though. I guess I can’t think of any.

Uh.
 
M

Mimi12345

New member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
London
I also feel lack of motivation in life like you described. I generally feel I have no reason to go on. You feel the only option is suicide but what about trying different things to help figure out things you might enjoy? You said you like pets, what about something like dog walking to start or volunteering in a animal shelter?

I've always wanted to be fluent in French and am taking a course in the new year, hoping that changes my mood. Also trying to exercise, though getting to the gym is hard, I try to do 10,000 steps a day which is a small achievement each day.

I hope you find something which you enjoy doing.
 
Jimh

Jimh

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
123
Location
south wales, uk
Thanks for sharing your story. It is exhausting suffering for a long time. As above it is important to try to find something that interests you and most importantly gets you out of the house and the suggestions above seem to hit the nail on the head from what you've said. Best of luck.
 
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