Hi Sam, I know it's annoying but I wanna go with my usual question- are you seeing a therapist to help you out if this? If you are, feel no shame if you would like to change them, we can't be comfortable with everybody.
With that out of the way, I am recovering from an eating disorder (not the same way as yours, but I get the feeling) and I understand that it's just much easier to stay within your comfort zone and keep up your bad habits, such as weighting yourself. The second you're trying to start recovery is just the hardest thing to do, to get out there and actually try.
I have no advice other than please, please force yourself through those times you feel like recovery isn't working. I believe you feel like fading away because you are fading away from the disorder, which you say feels like part of you. That is why you must drift away further away, you are going to feel confused and lost, and it will all be worth it in the end. Recovery is complicated, not linear, but it's what will give you the most satisfaction at the end of the day, even if you can't feel it right away.
Listen to what your body needs, it's trying to keep a wonderful person up and working!
