It's Driving Nails Into My Soul;

A

aWhisperLostUponWind

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2017
Messages
164
Location
Canada
#1
Hello all.
I am new to this thread posting thing; I have never actually interacted with the internet this way. I don't even know if I'm posting to the right place(I do have BPD if that makes this better), but, here goes anyway.

I feel like it’s hard for me to explain what I feel. I do feel, and sometimes I don’t. But, it is hard to explain. I know there are some people who think in the dark, like me, but I can’t seem to find them. Everyone I know has stresses over their personal lives. But, my stress is about life. I don’t understand life.

My sadness and hate and all around irritation isn’t because of my life. It is how my life is being controlled; run, used. What and how I am forced to do things. It is this world. This world is what is wrong with me, and, I don’t know how to get over it. I spend a lot, no, more than a lot of my time wishing for a new one. I want a world like Pandora, or Naruto, or Fairytail or even Inuyasha; Pokemon. I want adventure, I want friendships that last; are meaningful. I want a world where people haven’t ruined it with technology and ‘Progress.’ I don’t know how or why, but my imagination seems to have been my downfall.

I use to care. I really did. We were told we could be anything, and I believed it. I had big dreams and hopes. But look at what I have become. All because I realized that no I can’t have things because I want it. We can’t all be winners. There always has to be a loser, for there to be a winner. It is the way of the world. And look at me now. I still live at home. I am stuck at a job I have had since I was 16, and it has hollowed me out so much.

I absolutely hate my job, but just looking for a new one won’t work for me either. I can’t accept that this world is my reality. From the moment I was born, because I am human, it has been decided that I will be watched; monitored. I will be numbered and I will have to work. I don’t want to, but other people just accept it as a condition of reality and so I feel obligated to do that same. Other people find it normal and acceptable to live this way. And now I have responsibilities, and can’t get out of them.

I can’t even go off grid because I would need permission to be on someone’s land, as though they can own the land. I can’t even stop. I can’t do anything in this life without working. I can’t even move to a different place. Money. Little pieces of paper someone decided to place a value on. I don’t understand. Looking at it from a whole new perspective, I am so confused.

I don’t dislike human interaction. I can enjoy it, but only on my terms. At my job I see the same people all day, 2-3 times a day, 5 days a week. It is the same unintelligible greetings, asking about the weather, all the 'how’s it going' small talk. I have become so hardened and despicable. I am not a pleasant person to talk to. Not when I am working anyway; Sometimes, not even when I'm at home. And… And I hate it. This is not me. I shouldn't be this angry. I don't want to be. I don’t want this, and it is enough to make a person want death. I CAN NOT do this for another 50-60 years. I can’t.

I want anything other than this world. But I can’t have that. I am stuck here. And that thought...
It is driving nails into my soul. If I was rich I could have my adventure. I could have my one and only friend. I could have my family and an island with energy efficient, no, better, a sustainable energy source that needs no outside influence. I want out. I don’t want this anymore. I’m so done.

I have been killed enough to actually want no human interaction. Ever. I want to interact with as few humans as I can throughout my whole life. I tried to care about their problems when they tell me, but I don’t. I try to be friends with some, but I can’t make myself care. I feel nothing towards them. Not even when my friend lost his uncle, or my other friend was afraid for her dad in his surgery. I have evolved. But perhaps not in the right direction.

Also,
If I could get up and go, right now. Just grab a survival pack[which I am building BTW] and be gone. Live in the trees. I would be gone so fast. People don’t think I could do it. I want to walk to our lake. It would take me 9-10 days. People look and just shake their heads. Laugh. But I want to. And if I die out there so be it. But at least I won’t die in this world. At least I won’t die stuck on this hamster wheel people call society; progress; life. At least I will FEEL like I actually tried to survive. Right now. I am not surviving. Just, existing.

This world is painful. This world hurts me.
It's Driving Nails Into My Soul.

(Sorry for the length. I ramble.)
 
Beergardenweather

Beergardenweather

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 5, 2015
Messages
435
Location
Uk
#2
Welcome
You have come to the right place
There are many who think like you, we are all lost. But have a look around and read some of our posts.
You are truly not alone in how you feel.
 
Nikita

Nikita

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,931
#4
Awhisperlostuponawind


:welcome:

I hope you enjoy it here.
 
L

Lifeisreal

New member
Joined
Feb 5, 2017
Messages
3
#6
I use to feel that way...idk how I snapped out of it but it took that special someone for me who I married before she became that someone. It is messed up and we still have issues but I'm the one doing most of the work on our relationship and all I ever use to do was play video games and watch anime and wish that my life was more meaningful and had that same concept. Why can't life be as black and white as the shows and games. Why am I not able to tell when I should stand up or sit down or just do something. Well, it happened. I haven't played a game or watched a real movie or anime in months. And I am looking to keep it that way. The key is different for everyone. I realized how much it hurt my wife to see me just cruising through life not caring where it was going. I would simply lay there sometimes and stare at the ceiling unable to sleep. Just know everyone has the key to open the doors. You may not have the same options as some people but you will have options. Me and my wife are still having trouble because I spent the first two years of our marriage just simply being. I existed in her life and she loved me. But I was unsure of how to give that back to her till we had so many issues she wanted to leave me. It is still a work in progress but she is still here and that matters a lot. I actually use to work hard when I was younger as well. I was well known and had many friends until I hit a point where I thought nothing mattered and fuck the world...it's gonna end anyway. But shit happens sometimes. You gotta just find your key to get back in that jewel box and get you want from life and not let it pass u up. Hope this helps a bit. Hope you find your happiness and motivation my friend.